How Regrets Can Help Us
Ray Williams
9-Time Published Author / Retired Executive Coach / Helping Others Live Better Lives
If you’ve lived a long life, you probably have a lot of tiny and big regrets. I have them, and most of the people I know have them.
Most have regrets at the end of their lives. There are conflicting views as to whether having these regrets has a purpose. Is it possible to have no regrets? Which regrets are more powerful — the ones that involve mistakes we have made or the ones that involve things we didn’t do?
“No regrets.” You’ve heard people proclaim it as a philosophy of life. That’s nonsense, even dangerous, says Daniel H. Pink in his book, The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. He says everybody has regrets. They’re a fundamental part of our lives. If we deal with them in fresh and imaginative ways, we can enlist our regrets to make smarter decisions, perform better at work and school, and deepen our sense of meaning and purpose.
What are Regrets?
Janet Landman, author of Regret: Persistence of the Possible, defines regret as a “more or less painful cognitive and emotional state of feeling sorry for misfortunes, limitations, losses, transgressions, shortcomings or mistakes. It is an experience of “felt-reason” or reasoned emotion. The regretted matters may be sins of commission as well as sins of omission; they may range from voluntary to uncontrollable and accidental; they may be executed deeds or entirely mental ones committed by oneself or by another person or group; they may be moral or legal transgressions or morally and legally neutral.”
Therefore, some research seems to suggest that a definition difference is that of action vs inaction. The data suggests that people who regret not taking action were more negatively affected than by the actions they took which they regret. Also, regrets that involve actions or decisions made at a specific time should be distinguished from inactions or missed opportunities, which are more likely to result from an ongoing, unfocused pattern.
Regret can take many forms, including regret for deeds (such as overeating or inflicting harm on a loved one) or omissions (like not graduating from college or not asking someone out on a date). Although the latter tends to make us feel worse, according to Leahy, most people have a combination of both types.
According to several studies, our education, work, relationships, and motherhood are the most frequent causes of regret (in that order). This is so because, as opposed to what we had for breakfast, we often regret things indicative of larger life issues and chances.
People’s experiences of regret can also be influenced by their cultural background; those from more individualistic cultures frequently regret their circumstances (such as accomplishments or careers), while those from collectivist cultures frequently regret their interpersonal relationships. Women often regret romantic and sexual relationships more than men do. In contrast, men typically regret inaction more than action, another way women and men experience regret differently.
Regret is linked to negative feelings like sadness, dissatisfaction, guilt, and humiliation. However, because it can be informative, individuals see it as one of the most advantageous negative emotions. For instance, we are less likely to order a third round at the bar the following time if we regret how we acted the prior time we consumed too much alcohol. Alternatively, we may take a deep breath the next time we’re unhappy and respond with compassion if we regret yelling at our child in a rage.
Our regrets can help us learn more about who we are, prevent us from making the same mistakes again, and motivate us to make better choices in the future. However, regrets won’t help us grow if we use them as an excuse to beat ourselves up or if we entirely disregard them. According to Leahy, striking the appropriate balance is the key.
Regret doesn’t necessarily result in self-blame, he writes. Never having regrets, however, is not a sign of knowledge or goodness. It can indicate that you don’t learn from your errors.
What Are the Most Common Regrets?
In the various studies of people who are dying, there are some common themes. For example, Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse and the author of Top Five Regrets of the Dying, describes the following regrets as being in common among her patients:
A common thread that runs through these five regrets of the dying is that there are all omissions (things that were not done) instead of commissions (mistakes we have made for which we may also feel guilt).
Neal Roese published a study examining this question and concluded that most common regrets are related to relationships. Roese also noted that women had most frequent regrets about romance, whereas men had work regrets. He also concluded that regrets were balanced between omissions and commissions.
Thomas Giloviqh and Vitoria Husted Medvec argue in their published study that psychological processes decrease the pain of regrettable action over time and show how a person’s cognitive processes impact the difference.
Across six studies, the pair present new evidence, published in the journal Emotion, that our most enduring regrets concern not living up to our ideal selves (i.e. not becoming the person we wanted to be), as opposed to not living according to our “ought selves” (the person we should have been based on our duties and responsibilities).
The researchers surveyed hundreds of participants, including students, but most public members were recruited on Amazon’s survey website. For most of the studies, the researchers started out telling their recruits the difference between regrets concerning the “ideal self” (not achieving goals they had set for themselves, their dreams and ambitions) and “the ought self” (not meeting the norms and rules they had for themselves or fulfilling their obligations to others), before asking them to list, name and categorize their regrets.
Across the different studies, the participants said they experienced regrets concerning their ideal self more often (72 percent vs. 28 percent); they mentioned more ideal-self regrets than ought-self regrets when asked to list their regrets in life so far (57 percent vs. 43 percent); and when asked to name their single biggest regret in life, participants were more likely to mention a regret about not fulfilling their ideal self (76 percent vs. 24 percent mentioning an ought-self regret).
Gilovich and Davidai next tested their belief that a key reason why ideal-self regrets are more enduring is that we are less likely to take practical and psychological action at the time to repair these regrets compared with ought-self regrets.
For instance, presented with hypothetical ideal-self regrets (such as forsaken dreams or romantic interests not pursued) and hypothetical ought-self regrets (like failing to visit a dying relative or infidelity), participants said a typical person was more likely to take action, psychological and practical, to repair the ought-self regrets, such as by finding a silver lining or doing something to dampen the regret, than to repair ideal-self regrets.
In a follow-up study, participants described actual regrets, either ideal-self-related or ought-self-related and said what they’d done to cope with them. Those asked to describe ought-self regrets rated them as more urgent and said they’d taken more steps to cope, including changing their behaviour, rectifying the situation or undoing it entirely.
Finally, the researchers switched things up and asked 157 more participants to recall a resolved regret or an unresolved regret (“unfinished business”) — they found that those asked to write about the former were more likely to describe an ought-self regret. In contrast, those asked to write about the latter were likelier to describe an ideal-self regret.
Gilovich and Davidai are not saying that the only reason that ideal-self regrets are more enduring is that we are less likely to attend to them and resolve them. Still, they think this is a key factor in why they are generally more bothersome and come more readily to mind. Other possible reasons (not tested in the current research) are that our ideal selves are less obtainable than our ought selves, more abstract, and less context-dependent, meaning regrets about them are triggered more often.
“Our work is the first to show that people’s most prominent life regrets more often involve failures to live up to their ideal self than their ought self,” the researchers concluded. They added, "This research is the first to document the role played by behavioural and psychological coping mechanisms in people’s tendency to regret their failures to live up to their ideal selves.”
Can we take any practical insights from the latest findings? Gilovich and Davidai urge caution, suggesting that the most advisable way to live will depend on how much weight you place on your ought self vs. your ideal self.
If you place a premium on your ought self, you “would be wise to minimize [your] regrets by thinking twice before forging ahead [and seizing the moment],” they suggest. On the other hand, “if one is an adventurous soul guided by her ideal self, she might end up happier by seizing the day and not looking back. This research shows that a person focused on her ideal self is likelier to lose sleep over her ‘would’ and ‘could’ than her ‘shoulders’.”
Giloviqh and Medvec conclude the following:
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Some people argue that we should “regret nothing” or that they “wouldn’t do things differently” if they could live their lives over again. While not doubting the sincerity of those beliefs, that’s hard to accept at face value, Giloviqh and Medvec argue. First, living a life where you haven’t made mistakes is extremely difficult to accomplish, or the person is not telling the truth.
If our mistakes harm others, society, the environment, or even ourselves, there’s a good reason to have regrets. Therefore, there is the realization that other choices could have been made with fewer negative results. Similarly, failing to take action in a situation that may have resulted in harm could also be a situation where regret is understandable, and another choice could have been made.
Other research studies show that we have short-lived regrets for our mistakes, but usually within two weeks. But the regrets for things we didn’t do the missed opportunities? Those can last for years.
According to a study published by Cosas Papageorgiou, dwelling on past transgressions is depressing and can trigger sadness or anxiety. However, If Only…Finding Freedom from Regret, a book by psychologist Robert Leahy, says regrets don’t necessarily have to weigh you down. You can experience less regret and instead use your regrets as valuable life lessons if you comprehend how regrets function, be aware of how they affect your choices and learn how to deal with life’s unavoidable setbacks. He writes, “Regret is a part of life, but it doesn’t have to control you.”
Why Do Some People Suffer from Regret More?
Leahy includes several questionnaires in his book to assist you in figuring out where you land on the scale of regret propensity because some of us are more prone to it than others. Even though there is no way to eradicate regret — and the world would be worse if we could — some things raise the likelihood that we will feel regret more strongly and suffer from it, according to Leahy. These risk factors are listed below.
Refusing to accept ambivalence. There are advantages and disadvantages to numerous decisions in life, and the future is uncertain. However, if you can’t handle ambiguity, you’ll probably avoid making difficult decisions, which leaves you open to having regrets in the future.
Becoming a victim of bias. We all have cognitive biases, but some have a greater impact on regret than others. The amount of regret you experience will inevitably depend on how much you struggle with negativity bias (discounting or failing even to notice the positives in your life), black-and-white thinking (believing that either everything is good or everything is bad), or catastrophizing (believing that if something goes wrong, you won’t be able to handle it).
Worrying about experiencing “buyer’s remorse” or how terrible we’ll feel later. It may prevent you from choosing a course of action that could make you happy, increasing the likelihood of regret if you frequently worry about feeling bad for making a decision.
Having an excess of options. According to Leahy, “regret is an emotion of opportunity; the more potential we see, the more likely we are to regret anything.” An undergraduate who receives several employment offers can later regret choosing one over the others, particularly if it doesn’t work out. Making the “wrong” decision is more likely when you have too many options.
In the grip of perfectionism. You will be more prone to regret if you always strive for perfection and happiness and find it difficult to be content. Unless individuals can take steps to minimize their maximizing tendencies, “maximizers” (those who seek out optimal outcomes) frequently feel more regret than “satisficers” (people who are satisfied with good-enough outcomes).
What Should We Do About Our Regrets?
The answer to that question depends on whether the regret is related to an act of commission on our part or an act of omission, as previously mentioned. Regret for behaviour or actions we may have taken where harm was done to others serves a healthy purpose if we subsequently take responsibility for our actions and, where feasible, do something to make amends to those injured. In that way, we are taking responsibility for the present and not being mired in the past.
The research indicates that people use strategies to deal with regret involving action more readily than regrets about inaction.
Often, people who harbour regrets of omission think they would do things differently if presented with the same scenario, decision, or choice again. But this is faulty logic. First, we can’t revisit the past and have a do-over. Second, if a similar situation arose, it would never be completely the same as there are too many variables to replicate. Finally, ruminating or obsessing about the regret of omission assumes a 20/20 retroactive vision — that we could see then what we see now — which is impossible. Given what we know, we often make choices and decisions in life. The focus on dealing productively with the consequences of our choices and decisions is just as important as the decision or choice itself.
Leahy writes regret “is a probable feature of any decision we make.” However, the likelihood that you will regret your choices will depend on how you approach them and how you handle living with the consequences.
Leahy advises those who let past regrets grow in their minds to struggle against irrational thinking and consider their situation more seriously. He advises that techniques from cognitive-behavioural therapy can help you challenge your presumptions.
Keep in mind that something could have gone differently. If you think “if only…,” your life would have been better, remember that actual data do not support your assumption. Turn your attention to the future and remember that it can vary depending on your current decisions rather than where you might have been.
To counteract the regret-related bad emotions, concentrate on the positive features of your current situation. Your negativity bias may cause you to focus more on what is wrong than right. Therefore, it’s wise to cultivate thankfulness for the positive things in your life, especially the little, straightforward ones.
Remember that occasionally, even with the most meticulous planning, things don’t go as you had hoped. You may receive lemons from life, but it’s not always your fault. It would help if you faced the fact that you occasionally regret your decisions since you are not omniscient. But that doesn’t mean you should constantly berate yourself. Instead of punishing yourself, it is better to learn from your mistakes.
Accept compromises and tradeoffs. Only some things have to go exactly as you had hoped. If you insist otherwise, you will obstruct your progress and suffer. Therefore, strive to be a maximizer rather than a “satisficer.”
Learn that it’s okay to make mistakes in life, provided you learn from them. If your regret is related to an action you’ve taken, it is better to chalk it up to experience and use it to make better choices in the future.
Forgive yourself for making mistakes. Nobody is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes that they may regret later. It’s important not to continue to admonish yourself about them for the rest of your life. As it’s important to forgive others, so too it’s important to forgive yourself.
Take responsibility for the mistakes you’ve made that have caused harm that you regret, and commit to making amends where possible. What actions we take after the thing that causes us to regret is important.
Learn how to embrace mindful acceptance of what is. This means accepting that you can’t change the past and must live in the present.
Practice gratitude. Be grateful for what you have in life rather than regret what you don’t have or miss out on.
Don’t make yourself a victim. Let go of a victim mentality if you believe your regret can be blamed on someone or something else.
Abandon comparisons with others. Let go of the need to compare yourself to others (their successes or good fortune).
Reaffirm your values and clarify your life purpose. Be clear about your life purpose and commit to living true to that purpose each moment of each day.
It's important to learn from our regrets and use them to make better decisions in the future.