How to reframe when you have lost your self-esteem?

Continuing the topic of self-esteem, I’d like to tell you a story. 

Last week I had a call from a friend - (let us call her Shamma) who I have not spoken to in about 7 years. It was a call ‘out of the blue’ and a lovely surprise. Now, when l used to see Shamma often while I was working on a project with her company, she exuded self-confidence, high self-esteem and nothing seemed to phase her.

Shamma was calling me out of desperation because she felt that the carpet from underneath her had disappeared. She was full of self-doubt. Here is what caused Shamma to feel like this. She had just received her appraisal from her manager and was rated a 2 – ‘below expectations’ when she had really given 200% over the past year. Shamma was convinced would get a 4 – ‘exceeded expectations ' because she had exceeded her KPIs and covered for two team members. Not only this, but she had also supported her manager during weekends, often missing out on family time.

Shamma was questioning her career, relationships, her thoughts and basically did not trust her own opinion. This was impacting her family life, friendships and her overall well-being.

I felt that Shamma was anxious and just wanted to talk to someone. I knew that I needed her to ‘reframe’ the way she was viewing the situation to move on – which is difficult to say the least.  This is what I did. I asked Shamma to draw two circles overlapping each other and label one In my control and the other Out of my control.  She wrote down all the things that are in her control as we discussed them:

•  Our attitude
• Our behaviours
• Our thoughts
• Feelings
• Emotions
• The way we respond to feedback
• The way we give feedback
• How we communicate; the tone of voice, body language, words used
• The quality of our work
• How we treat people
• If we listen

Then she wrote down all the things that are out her control which were:

• Other people’s attitude, behaviours, thoughts, feelings, emotions
• The people we work with
• The way they respond to feedback
• The way they communicate; their tone of voice, body language, words used
• The quality of their work
• How they treat people
• If they listen to us
• SOPs of a company
• Weather
• Traffic

Now if we think where we tend to spend most of our time thinking – it is often in the ‘out of control’ where we have limited impact. If we take a step back and start focusing on the things that are in our control, things that we can impact, it will help us to shift our focus. Shamma was focused on the out of control – and was hitting a dead end.

After doing the circles of control, Shamma realised that she had nothing to lose and the world to gain by considering that she has much more control over her self-esteem than she thought.

Remember, self-esteem is a state of mind, and it can be changed. Making the choice to challenge your thinking may change how you think and what you do, now and in the future. You can only improve your self-esteem if you’re first willing to challenge the negative feelings and judgments you have toward yourself.