How to Reframe Fear as Hope, and Loss as a Victory

Both my parents—Pearl and Richard Kasanoff—died young, in the 1980s. Before I was born, my mother worked as the executive assistant to Paul Bernat, the founder of a yarn company and an art collector.

My mother's prized possession was a replica of an ancient Chinese horse that Mr. Bernat donated to the Museum of Fine Arts Boston; he had given the replica to her.

As a child and ever since, I've lived in abject terror of breaking the winged horse.

Growing up, our house was small and the horse was in the corner of our living room. It was fragile and out in the open. It was also perhaps the only precious possession in our entire house.

After my parents passed, my brother and I split up a few important mementoes. Somehow I got the horse, which I never loved or even liked, but it had strong connection with my mother. So, for another 30+ years, I lived in fear of breaking it.

A few weeks ago, the horse broke. One wing fell off, and the other cracked in half. Over the years, a few other smaller pieces had broken or chipped off.

Getting the horse repaired was an option, but doing so would have perpetuated my fear of damaging this delicate object. Given its subtle original coloring, there was no way to do this "on the cheap."

But then I spoke to my brother, who basically admitted that he, too, had always lived with the stark terror of breaking the horse. He suggested that our parents would not have wanted us to live that way, and that perhaps we should destroy the horse.

His comment took a weight off my back. It freed me to use my imagination and heart, rather than to live in fear and under the crushing weight of obligation.

Gluing the horse back together would be easy if I didn't have to worry about hiding the cracks. I decided to paint the horse ultramarine blue.

By the way, I didn't worry about making the horse perfect. The ears had chipped off and the tail, too, so I made reasonable facsimiles with modeling clay. I deliberately did this quickly and casually.

The horse has been transformed, in every sense of the word.

If it breaks tomorrow, no worries.

It ties me to my parents, but it is very much now a creation of the spirit that my brother and I bring to the world.

It lives in a new space, somewhere between authentic and original.

Instead of bringing me fear, it reminds me that I have the power to shape what I think and how I feel.

No doubt, you have fears, too. Some keep you healthy and safe, but others do the opposite. This is a reminder that it pays to look at those fears from time to time, and consider whether you can transform them into something of a more positive nature.

Bruce Kasanoff is a ghostwriter and is the co-founder of Park City Think Tank.