How to recognize when YOU are the problem in your issues with others. Bonus: What to do about it :O)

In this blog I want to challenge you to have the courage to assess whether any relationships that are going or have gone sour are actually your responsibility. It takes courage to admit when we are at the root of the problem in something that is failing but your courage will be rewarded by extreme levels of personal growth as you begin to deal with stuff that is getting in the way of your potential. 

The Short Answer lies in this question: Did you ask for what you didn't get?

Relationships usually go sour when we don't get what we want from a person or worse yet we feel that they've done the exact opposite to stab us in the back. 

While i could write a 400 page book on this topic here is a quick synopsis on my assessment of what I have seen in this area. Relationships sour because the other person doesn't give us what we want or need from them. Unfortunately far too often the truth is that we didn't get it because we didn't either:

a) Ask for what we want or what we need in a way that is clear. I.E. sadly they don't know what you want

or 

b) We have not communicated how important something is to us either by words or by the existence of a consequence for not giving us what we want and what we need. Stephen Covey says that the definition of important is the existence of a consequence for doing or not doing something. If there is no consequence, it can't be important. 

I haven't done scientific research on the topic but observationally unclear or unimportant expectations are the root cause of far over half of relationships that have soured. 

I think you'd agree that someone can't give you what you want when they are not sure what it is so in those situations WE own the problem. 

Word of Advice: Don't beat yourself up. It is pretty human. Just don't ignore the warning signs. 

To help you find your issue that stands in the way of greater relationships I'd ask that you look for what I call confirmations in your life. They are situations that seem to be constant in your world no matter how often you try to run away from them!  

Example: 4 jobs in 2 years

We have a dear friend, an awesome person who a few years back went through 4 jobs in 2 years. The stories were similar. When they got a new job they would glow about how wonderful this place seemed to be. They were excited. Within a couple months that excitement would wane and be replaced by suspicions of people they work with. With in 5-6 months things would amplify and become unbearable to point that they left. 

Truth about them: They are a wonderful caring person. So initially you'd want to agree with them that these places were evil and horrible places to work (yes bad work environments do exist). But after 4 companies in 2 years there was a common denominator and it was them.

In sitting down with them to talk about things a very common scenario was their reality. Because they were caring they had, based on their life experience, some very clear expectations of how others show caring & respect. That in and of itself is not a bad thing. 

Here was the problem: They didn't communicate those things. They simply judged others by their ability to meet or not meet them.

Why didn't they communicate them? Well like most of us our natural expectations of what defines good behavior are built over decades of experience and we just assume that our experience should be Common Sense for all. If you don't display them as my coworkers you obviously don't respect me or like me. 

I don't know the truth about each of their work environments but it became clear that in not communicating and reinforcing some pretty strong expectations they held of others, their lack of formal communication in a conflict situation was a big part of things going sour in each of those environments. If they wanted to find a great work environment in the future it would require change on their part. 

A Life Truth:

Our weaknesses follow us every where we go. We can't outrun them or escape from them. Until we deal with them, they recreate like situations everywhere we go.

What to do? 

1. Celebrate.  I've learned that every time I'm feeling stressed about a situation and its something I can identify as a common theme with other situations in my life it means that I'm on the front lines of my battle with this weakness. Why is this good news? You can't win over it until you are on the front lines standing up against it. So as much as it may hurt / cause pain in the moment, this is your opportunity for victory over it so that it no longer hampers the realization of the potential you have in your life. 

2. Bulk up for the fight.  Your army should include the right people and the right knowledge for the fight. Let's talk about those:

a) The Right Person

Sometimes it actually is the right people if one person doesn't carry all the traits. Those traits are someone who you trust & respect, someone with some experience in what you are facing , someone who will actually be a friend and tell you the truth about what they see even if it means they blame you and finally someone willing to hold you accountable.

b) The Right Knowledge

Once the right person or people have helped you identify your weakness and what needs to change it is useful to quickly change to a focus on what you CAN do to see better results. Like I said earlier: don't beat yourself up. We all have weaknesses. Past the nervous tension & stress you feel dare to start getting excited about ending this weakness's influence over your life. 

3. Act. Do something about it.

Once you've decided on what might work better, create a plan with this person or group of people and commit to following through. Have them hold you accountable to that plan. Realistically some times what you and they think will work... won't. Don't discourage because the sooner you get over the won't works the sooner you'll find what will work. Fail quick/Fail often feeling supported by this group who affirms your willingness to act differently even over immediate success in turning things around. This environment will help you take the journey of personal development in a meaningful way that will produce results for you and one by one tackle the weaknesses that our barriers to full success in your life.

We all have weaknesses. Organization or Fixing Anything are two of mine and I could write another 400 page book with the rest of them. Its okay to have weaknesses but its not okay to allow the one's that get in the way of your life's goals & dreams to remain there. We need to manage them.

Here's to your success on your front lines! 

David