How to really be a tough guy; the lesson a bully learned from a little girl

Dedicated to Craig Cicardo, Sr, a man in whom I deeply respect.

When I was in first grade, my family moved to East Lyme, Connecticut. Life seemed carefree for a ‘happy go lucky’ little 6-year-old girl, with the exception, there was a local bully: Ray.    

He lived next to the elementary school, and when I would walk by, this nasty older boy would scream unrepeatable obscenities and threats at me and my dog, Blondie, my constant companion: a lively/protective quarter-aged champagne-colored Pekingese. The chaotic scenario would be happening, while his straggly towering pitch-black Doberman Pincher would bark ferociously over the meshed-wire-fence, the whole time we were passing.   

I remember weeks on end; cringing every day when the bell would ring, and feeling a great deal of relief once I had gotten past his house alive, or without being noticed.

However, one dreary rainy afternoon, the bully had gone too far by throwing a mid-sized rock, which hit my beloved friend, who, then, let out a loud yelp. I am not sure what happened, but a sense of injustice arose up in my tiny frame, despite the very real fear Ray would trespass the boundaries of the boxed in yard, and pummel me to the ground. 

At that critical juncture, I screamed loudly at the top of my lungs in the shrillest voice I could muster, so the entire neighborhood could hear: “don’t you ever try to hurt me or my dog again, or I will hurt you.” To my utter amazement, this bully stopped, and stood speechless at the unexpected boldness proceeding from me, a pint-sized child. He snarled the words, “Sorry,” and quickly left like a defeated/wounded animal, who lost his prey.

From then on, I learned a bit about this concept of being mentally tough.

As I thought about writing this article, I wondered where Ray learned his mean behavior. Was he taught toughness meant being disrespectful from his parents/caretakers, or did Ray come from a traumatized background, where bullying/violence was his only means of survival?

Question: How can a man become tough, but not be a bully, I pondered? 

This got me thinking…

For men, there is much more pressure to act/be tough than on ladies. They receive a myriad of competing messages, and are constantly being bombarded by the media/society regarding the definition of masculinity and this idea. Couple this deep inculturation, with a guy who has been victimized/traumatized his entire life, and toughness takes on a whole new meaning.

To set the record straight, I read a book about the subject, which Craig Cicardo, Sr. He has coached successfully widely-recognized high school football teams, and four college ones, and is the author of “Be Tough, But Don’t Be A Tough Guy.” 

Toughness, he writes, is not allowing yourself to get hurt, “neither is it being the one who can inflict pain on others.” In stark contrast, this character trait involves “understanding when something is wrong, and deciding to change the course even if ALL those around you are leaning toward the wrong.”

He eloquently communicates toughness is not about the outward appearances of a man: flexing muscles, intimidating looks, or other tactics, involved with his physicality; what the author refers to as “bravado.” Cicardo says, becoming tough requires one to develop a “quiet inner confidence,” which demonstrates an assurance he has on the inside. 

How to really be a tough guy; the lesson a bully learned from a little girl: 

1)     Control emotions. Being tough means controlling one’s emotions, so as to be proactive, not reactive. 

2)     Take action. Being tough means taking the initiative when the situation warrants it.

3)     Stand up to bullies. Being tough, in some instances, means challenging bullying behavior.

4)     Do what is right. Despite the trepidation, being tough means acting bravely, even if there is a possibility of being hurt, either physically or emotionally.

5)     Get still. Being tough means having this quiet assurance internally, which gives him confidence about who he is.

Toughness has nothing to do with lording over people, flashing a brawny chest, throwing one’s weight around, or acting like a bully. But, as we learned, a real tough guy controls his emotions, takes the initiative to do the right thing, despite any fear to the contrary, stands up to bad people if necessary, and exhibits bravery, with a quietness, that gives him a cool confidence on the inside.      

Thank you for reading.

Your thoughts are very appreciated.

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Researcher’s Bio

Karen Bontrager helps 16-24-year-old men, and fellas stuck there due to complex trauma, make permanent shifts in their behavior from merely surviving in life to thriving through transparent coaching/counseling in one-on-one conversations and in group work, and through topic sensitive trauma-informed workshops in a program called, “From Crisis to Courage.” With this ontological approach, I partner with my clients to discover their essence, (aka highest and best self) by powerfully reflecting and listening to them. My clients quickly learn how to generate self-awareness and to voice their own relationship needs in a clear, constructive way by learning key coaching techniques/evidenced based counseling approaches/tools to work past their traumatic events and addictions to move forward. The clients are then equipped to develop healthy relationships with key relationships: parents/siblings/friends, and with intimate dating partners because they have learned how to proactively use their voice.