How to Really Listen (and resist the urge to give the answer)

As an executive coach, I’ve spent nearly 20 years working with highly successful leaders who’ve hit a bump in the road. My job is to help them get over that bump by clarifying their goals and figuring out a way to reach them so that hopefully they can lead with a little more ease.?

I work with some of these leaders on my Harvard Business Review Presents Coaching Real Leaders podcast, where I take you behind the closed doors of real coaching sessions. I also host the Coaching Real Leaders Community, where I’m joined by an amazing group of leaders and coaches who come together to take a deeper dive into CRL episodes and their career issues.?

And in my Coaching Real Leaders newsletter, I share takeaways from the many coaching conversations I’ve had over the years. Whether you are a coach or a leader, my hope is that this will help you more easily navigate the challenges you and/or those you coach face.?

On a recent Live Q&A in my Coaching Real Leaders Community, I was asked a simple yet not easily answerable question:?

How do you actively listen to someone while at the same time trying to understand what the person is saying and then have the ability to respond or ask a follow up question??

Aaaahhhh. Listening – So much has been said about it. It’s part of every communications training program. It’s heralded as a key skill whether you’re a leader or an executive coach. And, yet, it continues to be a stumbling block for many. Why? Because most approach listening as just a switch they can turn on and off with the assumption that their ability to actually listen is already well honed. So not the case.

Here’s the deal – Listening is a practice.?

What do I mean by that? I’ll use myself as an example. I grew up in a household where, well, how can I put it? Having a quick answer made the difference between getting what you want or not. And school reinforced that message. It’s no surprise I ended up becoming not a great listener and leaning more towards being that person who would always be thinking of what to say next and jumping straight to saying my piece. And when I received feedback confirming this (not just at work, I might add), I had a go-to defense of responding: “Oh, but I am listening!” Ironic, right? It wasn’t until I realized that having an internal dialogue with myself about what my response would be was the same as having a discussion with another person while someone is trying to talk to me that it became clear that there’s no way I can listen if I’m paying attention to my own thoughts in the process.?

And so it came to be for me that listening is a practice. It is something that I’ve had to actively (and continuously) work on. And it’s not just an auditory practice as most would assume—rather, it’s a mental practice of where I direct my attention. I have found a deeper understanding of listening through the principles of Insight Dialogue, a way of bringing mindfulness into interactions with other people.??

In fact, Adam Bryant in his NY Times article, How to Be a Better Listener, suggests treating listening as “a form of meditation. You have to clear your mind of everything else, so you can focus entirely on what the other person is saying.” Even beyond that, I think that it’s also important to accept that as hard as you try, your mind is going to wander. And that’s okay. What matters is that you have enough self-awareness to bring yourself back to the present moment when you wander and to the person that you are in dialogue with. That’s the practice and where the real growth is at – those moments when you catch yourself and come back to attention.

So how do you get yourself to that place? The work happens before the listening even starts.?

First, set your intention. I try to be aware of why I am listening. Am I listening to respond? For curiosity? To learn? Jennifer Garvey Berger breaks down some of the ways we can listen in her video “Listening to Learn.” Knowing why you’re listening will help you then determine how you approach it.?

Then, assume your position. Just like a runner or a swimmer must prepare for their event, you must adjust your position to be an effective listener. Much is shared on the non-verbal cues to use when listening. But I think your mental positioning is just as, if not more, important. So what is a listener’s mental posture?

Borrowing from the Insight Dialogue principles, here is what I use to get myself in position to listen deeply:?

• Pause: I stop whatever else I’m doing and turn my attention to what is happening right now. That means stop looking at my phone, thinking to myself, worrying or anything else that is directing my attention away from the present.
• Relax: I calm my mind and body so that I can bring a conducive energy to the interaction. For me, that often means taking a few deep breaths or doing some shoulder shrugs. There’s no one size fits all here. Find some quick ways that help bring yourself down a notch.?
• Open: I open my mind and ready myself to receive anything that can come my way from the other person. Notice I didn’t say “agree” with everything… just receive with no judgment one way or the other.??
• Attunement: I check in with where I am and put my agenda to the side. This is key and where I try to enter the conversation with curiosity and from a place of “not knowing everything” so that I can truly listen to the other rather than myself.??

Only then can I move into listening deeply and finally to speaking my piece as a reflection of what I’ve heard rather than an already made up position.??

Ultimately, the key to listening is being curious about what the person is saying rather than trying to control where the conversation may go. To be able to listen at this deeper level, it starts with you committing to do so as a practice that you cultivate with yourself and with others. Over time you will see that through deep listening, the answer always emerges – often when you least expect it.?

How do you practice listening? What helps you be an effective listener? Share in the comments so that we all might pick up some more strategies and become better listeners together.???

And if you’re looking for more suggestions on listening, check out Julia Furlan and Andee Tagle on NPR: Want to Listen Better? Turn Down Your Thoughts and Tune in to Others.

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Can’t wait to connect with you again. Until then, be well.?