How to raise kids

I have worked for a long time with people from 10 to 75 years old, of different sexes and genders, who live all over the world. They come from all major cultures and religions, and they have a vast array of jobs - from classical office to cool lab or stage work. About three hundred people in the last 5 years only.

I was lucky to work with whole families: not only couples, but also parents and kids, parents and grown-up kids, and most importantly and rarely, with old parents of adult kids. And of course, all these people brought me their problems from their childhood.

This work, plus my own personal experiences as a son, grandson, father and husband, has made me see some basic rules of raising kids that I want to share. Raising kids is a very hard job, without gratitude and guarantees, so here are some tips:

Love

To love = to protect, to be there, to care, to respect, to thank, to trust and to value. It's not easy to do all this if you didn't get it yourself before.

Accept

Accepting a person as they are is hard if they don't meet your expectations. And if you were not accepted by your parents, it’s even harder. This happens a lot.

Pay attention

Giving attention in the right amount and way is an art, especially if it's hard to love and accept. But it's needed. And you can't replace it with gifts. You need to really spend quality time together.

Work with feelings

Talking about feelings may be scary, new and awkward. But if we don't, our feelings just control us, and we don't even know. The adult's job is to see, name, explain and work through the child's feelings. And your own Inner Child's feelings too.

Explain how things really work

To explain how life works and why things happen, you need to learn it yourself first, which may seem boring, unlike magic thinking. But this is the only way to make a person fit in with reality and be successful.

Allow, support, bless

Allow everything that is useful, even if it's risky. And explain why things happen. The younger the kids, the less they know, so you have to explain and repeat simple things.

Forbid

Don't allow anything that is addictive or bad for human health, especially as a reward. Just say so: this is poison or a drug that brings money for the producers, and then they will later make money on medicine for you too. Don't be fooled, it's a trap!

Keep strict discipline

Discipline is actually freedom. And if you easily and happily show by your own example the best way of life for kids, they will just get used to it and always live this way.

Carrot and stick

Become a stick quickly if the carrot doesn't work. But only right away, not when it builds up. The best stick is the absence of a carrot, which is very different from how people usually do: the carrot is the absence of a stick. Change this system for yourself and your kid, then it will be easier and more fun.

And more on strictness and freedom:

Strictness should be soft and polite, like setting your own boundaries. Imagine a fluffy carpet on the wall. It's soft, you can't get hurt on it, but you can't move it either - there's concrete behind it. This is about your boundaries and boundaries for your kid.

On the one hand, you have to respect their personality and freedom. On the other hand, there's nothing to respect yet, it's just water pressure in a hose that goes everywhere without direction or use if you don't hold it steadily.

And the kid feels that if you don't shape them up with limitations, you don't care or love them. This goes back to the womb where it was tight, dark and warm, which is way safer than being separated in a cold bright and loud environment. That's why we wrap up babies when they cry scared. And then the habit stays.

Clear boundaries with soft padding = love. And then the game goes on: the kid will break these boundaries and the parent will keep them in place. It's very stressful, especially with a teenager, but that's what it's all about. Don't expect any results here, this is just training.

When children have to learn something boring and with bad teachers they ask why??? The answer that works best is: to train your mind so you are smart! It's like sports: being able to do push-ups and pull-ups won't help in life but you have the strength and health.

Not easy right? It's almost impossible to do all this That's why we have what we have. So, let's at least try. And those who haven't had kids yet, please think hard and feel if you really are ready. It’s better to do it right from the start than to have to fix it later.

And remember that normal people usually do everything the other way around. Impulsively, by the feelings and old traditions. This is classic army bullying: first, your parents bully you, then you bully your kids. And you are always in debt and guilty.

First, obey your parents,

then serve your kids,

then serve your old parents,

then fight with your grown-up kids and mess with your grandkids,

and in the end, go crazy and make trouble for your kids over 50 so they can serve you for what you suffered before.

Not a great picture, right?

Author - Andy The Shrink