HOW TO QUIETEN THE VOICE WHICH SAYS ‘IT’S NOT ENOUGH’

Do you feel like you’re really trying your best each day, yet you keep hearing that voice which says, ‘it’s not enough’??

This annoying voice pestering you all the time, means that...?

• You find it hard to fully celebrate your wins and achievements, because you tend to focus on what you could have done better?
• You find it hard to rest, switch off and relax because your mind is racing with all the other things you ‘could’ or ‘should’ be doing right now?
• You pull yourself back from applying for that promotion, or making the career shift you want because you feel you’re ‘not X enough yet’: - not qualified enough, not confident enough, not got a big enough network... ?
• And it generally leaves you feeling a bit flat, like you’re lacking,?or in deficit, or feeling behind in some way (even when you’ve just woken up!) ?

I totally hear you and have been there myself. ?

The bad news is that it’s likely this annoying, critical voice will always be there to some extent. ?

The good news is that we can change our relationship with this voice so that we don’t have to let it control our feelings and our behaviours. ?

Here we’re going to explore how we can do exactly that.... ?

Understanding ourselves as evolved humans ?

It’s useful to understand that this self-critical voice we hear is the result of an evolutionary mechanism that all humans have. As we evolved, our brains developed with the main purpose of keeping us safe and alive. For this reason the brain developed a sensitivity to any signs of threat and it also has a propensity to look for the negative and potentially dangerous. Now, as we have evolved our threats have largely moved from being mainly physical (snake in the grass) to social (embarrassing yourself in front of your boss). So when our brains sense any kind of potential danger or risk, our brains might start to give us signals to try and stop us moving forwards. It might say ‘you’re not qualified enough to apply for that promotion’ for example, because it’s trying to keep you in your comfortable safe box. And because of our negativity bias, we’re often spotting the bad rather than the good, and the voice can be extra self-critical. ?

In the past, this function of the brain would have been vital for our survival, and it still is extremely useful in many ways for us today. However, it is helpful to be able to see it for what it is, a safety mechanism, and for us to recognise that it doesn’t always serve us in the most helpful ways now. ?

One of the biggest lessons we can learn from this?is to recognise that our inner-critic voice, is not us. ??

It is not a reflection of truth?? ? It is not a reflection of reality ?? ? It is not a reflection of who we are and what we are capable of. ?? ? It is simply a mechanism, that our safety instincts are using to try and keep us safe from risk.? ? And this is why it shows up the loudest when we are taking a step out of our comfort zone. ?Our inner critic will start shouting thing to make us stay in our box, because it’s trying to protect us from that vulnerability and potential or perceived risk. ?And in order to keep us safe, it doesn’t matter about being right, it lies! It tells us we’re not ready, it tells us we’re not qualified, it tells us we’re not good enough... ?? ? So how do we deal with it? ?

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Make peace not war ?

In the past you may have tried to argue with this voice and fight against it? The thing is often when we do this, the louder this voice becomes in retaliation. ?

We don’t have fight against it. We don’t have to be at battle. What we can do is acknowledge that the voice is there... ?

‘Ah I am really hearing my self-critical safety mechanisms kicking in today’ ?

Accept the feelings that are coming up for you without judgement... ?

‘It’s making me feel a bit anxious and nervous...’ ?

And recognise that this is a normal part of being human... ?

‘This must be my brain trying to keep me safe...’ ?

Often, the more we acknowledge and accept the voice and the feelings more as a neutral fact of life, as oppose to something terrible we have to battle against, it can help both the voice and the feelings it arouses to move through us with more ease. It lessens the internal tension, friction and frustration we can experience. ?

We might even say ‘thank you self critical voice, for trying to protect me, but I'm good, I don’t need you here.’ ?

Some people like to give their voice a name. This can help to mentally separate it from yourself and realise it is not reality – it’s like a well-meaning, but misguided friend, spouting incorrect information!

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Changing the spotlight?

From this acceptance, we can then move our focus and attention away from this voice, onto more positive action. We don’t have to let that voice dictate our actions and behaviours. ?

Even when it’s saying ‘you can’t stop work now, you haven’t done enough’, we can acknowledge that this voice is not telling us the truth, and focus on the positive action we want to take – we want to stop and rest, and enjoy our time outside of work, and celebrate working really hard today. ?

We can refocus our attention and thoughts onto the actions we really want to take which moves towards our goals, our priorities, our values in life.

It might be useful to have these clear in your head, on paper, or documented somewhere so you can look at these when your inner critic voice is starting to be loud. ?

Some people use?a vision board, with text and images to represent what matters most to them at this period of their life, and what they want to move towards. This can be a great visual reminder and help us to refocus our attention and keep moving towards what really matters to you. ?

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Recognising and celebrating the positive ??

As we know humans have a negativity bias, it means that its extra important for us to readdress the balance and be intentional about focussing on the positives, what’s going well, the big and small wins every day and celebrating our accomplishments.

The more we do this the more we can keep the balance more equal and rational, seeing the reality of the situation of how well you are really doing, and how fantastic, accomplished and brilliant you really are. ?

This does take practice and repetition to successfully increase your minds positive leaning. You may like to try writing down your wins at the end of each day. Even when you feel you haven’t accomplished much – look harder - there will definitely be accomplishments however small. ?

Start planning how you will celebrate your milestones, big and small! And follow through. We so often overlook or forget about our wins as soon as they are over. Let’s revel in the moment and really enjoy that chance to celebrate you – you deserve it. ?

Another idea is to create a ‘confidence bank’ - a place where your store all the evidence of your awesomeness! Qualifications you’ve attained, lovely feedback from colleagues, testimonials from clients, achievements you’ve made etc. You can use this as a reference bank to go back to give yourself a boost of encouragement and a reality check! ?

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Self-compassion leads the way ?

Within this whole process I think the key thing is really to treat yourself with bucket loads of self-compassion. It’s OK to have this voice – we all do, it’s just our human nature. It’s OK to feel the feelings it brings up, let’s not try to fight them, but let them pass through us and be compassionate with ourselves in the meantime. And let’s gently refocus our attention on the positive actions that bring meaning, joy?and fulfilment to our lives. ?

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If you would like some?professional support to help you through changing your relationship with your inner critic, we can have a free discovery call to explore?how my coaching services can help you as they have many other people too. ?Book a call here .