HOW TO PROVIDE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT: It's a skill-set.

HOW TO PROVIDE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT To Someone Who Suffers from Clinical Depression or another “invisible illness.”

[From: Claudia J. Strauss, in “Talking to Depression: Simple Ways to Connect When Someone in your Life Is Depression”] Notes prepared by RD Stanton-Salazar, Ph.D. (2013-2020)

 “Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.” Rudyard Kipling

Preface: “We need to know we can make a difference. We need to know how to help. We need to know that everyday people in everyday situations can make a difference.”

“The key to providing EMOTIONAL SUPPORT and helping a person…is being available to listen, and then listening in an open, accepting way. …not enough to simply acknowledge her/his feelings. It is also necessary to show EMPATHY. Agree that her feelings [symptoms] are real, valid, understandable, and that they hurt.” (p. 61)

Chapter 4: Opening the Conversation—The First Things to Say (p. 45)

“Opening a conversation with someone who has been depressed for a long time or who has recently suffered a terrible loss can be daunting.”

START WITH A QUESTION

“Do you want to talk?”

“Do you feel like talking. We could talk about it or we could talk about other things. Whatever you want.”

 LET THEM TAKE THE LEAD (p. 47)

 Chapter 5: Words That Wound (What Not to Say)

 “THINGS COULD BE WORSE.”

 “THERE’S LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.”

 “…your saying that ‘there’s light at the end of the tunnel’ when he hasn’t seen it (feels like a lie). …the suffering person hasn’t seen any sign of that yet. (p. 53)

 “THINGS WILL GET BETTER”

“What she is thinking is that this applies to ordinary situations and her pain in not ordinary.” ….From her perspective, things keep getting worse.”

 “THERE’S ALWAYS A SILVER LINING.” (p. 55)

“In many cases, there isn’t a silver lining. Often, where there is, it’s only seen with hindsight, and only after years have passed.”

WHAT ARE SOME THINGS TO AVOID SAYING [DOING] (Chapter 5)

“DON’T offer unsolicited advice!”    [Often our first impulse.]

“Don’t tell them if they did this, or said that, things would be better. Or if they had done something differently in the past, that the current situation wouldn’t have happened.”

“Don’t say anything that suggests you are judging them and finding them wanting.”

WHAT TO SAY      / CHEAT SHEET (Chap. 7):

 “It sounds really bad. I’m sorry.”

“I wish I knew how to help.”

“We’re going to get you through this. I’ll help in any way I can.”

“Call on me. Tell me what to do. I’ll be there for you as long as it takes.”

“I love you. (Give a hug.) I’m here for you. Hang in there.”

“Life can really stink. How about if we go for a walk.”

“I wish some good could come out of this, but I don’t see how. There’s so much pain. I hurt for you.” (Hug.)

“You’re right, this will never make sense.”

“It’s too soon to talk about the future. It can wait. Just do what you can today. I’ll help you.”

“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here. Three streets away. A phone call away. We going to deal with this.”

“You’re making progress…” You should be proud. You’ve accomplished so much just getting to this place.” [If valid progress has indeed been made.]

[WHEN THE SUFFERER HAS INDEED MADE PROGRESS] Chapter 6

“YOU’RE MAKING PROGRESS AND THAT’S GREAT. YOU SHOULD BE PROUD. YOU’VE ACCOMPLISHED SO MUCH.” (p. 62)

BE SPECIFIC! “Tell her in what ways she shows her character. Tell them why you hold him in such high regard. Point out facets of her personality that draw you to her. Provide examples. …Remind her of stories of her life.”

“But avoid being a therapist.”

“You help healing happen by being an everyday part of his life instead of an appointment, by being there out of love rather than in a professional capacity, by being an ongoing part of her life—with a history to the relationship—instead of a temporary part of her life that is there for one purpose only.” (p. 63)

“I NEED YOUR HELP”

 “Try telling them what you need. Welcome their advice on YOUR life. Welcome their assistance with practical things—setting the table, …”

Chapter 8: Answering the Unanswerable--Responding to Difficult Questions

“I can’t go on anymore.”

“I can’t stand any more pain.”

“There will never be a light at the end of the tunnel.”

 WHAT PROMISES SHOULD YOU AVOID

“Everything is going to be all right.”

“The pain will go away.”

“I know someone who can fix this for you.”

WHAT CAN YOU SAY INSTEAD?

“We don’t know that.”

 “I wish I knew how to take away the pain.”

“I can’t fix this, but I WILL be here so you don’t have to go through this alone. You can count on me.”

“I don’t know how to help; tell me how to help.”

“I know it’s hard to imagine that it could ever get better because it has been so horrible for so long, but I believe in my heart that it won’t always be like this. We just have to wait, as hard as it is to do that.” (p. 77)

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Another RECOMMENDED BOOK:

“But Your LOOK Just Fine: Unmasking Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Panic Disorder and Season Affective Disorder”

Sahar Abdulaziz, MS and Carol Sveilich, MA

(The book contains short profiles of different people with depression, bipolar disorder, PTSD, an anxiety disorder, etc., written by the people themselves.)