Tips on how to help your children grow into happy adults

Can we, as parents, do more to ensure our children get the best start in life with their emotional wellbeing?

This is a question I have been asking myself a lot recently and I do think there is a great deal care givers can do.  I know for sure that if I hadn’t taken responsibility and confronted my demons then my children would have suffered the consequences and quite likely dribbled mental illness down to their children (if they decide to have any).  I feel proud that this didn’t happen and today I can say that both my adolescent boys are strong and emotionally intelligent – phew!

Humans come into the world as a blank sheet of paper. The exception to this rule is if the human brain is damaged or the wiring is different. Some genetic components are present in the case of clinical depression and schizophrenia and research continues with disorders such as OCD, Bipolar and autism spectrum disorders.  We still don’t know what percentage of genes make up the disorder in one person.  

Conditioning and learned behavior is by far the main reason people become emotionally unwell so this being the case, there is much we can all do to prevent our negative behavior and views (which may have been passed down from our parents) being inflicted on our offspring.  One thing is for sure, it will be the parents who have to pick up the pieces when their children get ill.

How can parents and care givers take responsibility and create a happy, secure environment for children to thrive in?

Make absolutely sure you want to have children in the first place.  Can you provide a safe, happy home? Can you afford to have children? For a couple,  raising a child from birth to 18 costs approximately ￡75,500. 

The statistics for couples separating and divorcing are very high. How can each parent ensure that if the only solution when everything possible has been done to try to save the union is parting, then that split is amicable and the children protected. Mental health issues are very common in children who have split families where acrimony exists.

What is your history like? Do you have serious mental health issues in your family tree? Were you abused or bullied? Did your parents teach you how to self soothe, share, be caring, learn from your mistakes? Did they teach you right from wrong?  Maybe you were raised in a family where it was common to see your parents drunk or shouting, taking drugs or having racist or prejudiced views. Perhaps they were not taught from their parents and so each generation will be conditioned from the previous one.

There’s much to be said for teaching parenting skills. Why should it be so obvious how to raise a child?  In ante and post natal classes how beneficial it would be to help care givers understand how they can be great parents by ensuring their own mental health is in good shape before the birth and the journey into parenthood?  Many parents go into childbirth with a whole heap of stresses and anxieties so it’s not surprising both women and men suffer with postnatal depression when often they are not prepared.

If either parent is under the care of their GP with a mental health difficulty then surely it is crucial for the medical professional to have a candid conversation with them at all stages and most certainly after the birth to keep everyone well, calm, happy and fully supported.

Families come in all shapes and sizes. Children may be cared for by one parent or a combination of family members. Many children are not and live in the care system and their futures are often bleak, going from institution to institution. As a society we have a great responsibility to care for our most precious treasures, our children.  

When we are mentally well and have a safe, nurturing environment then our loved ones will be better prepared to cope with what life will throw at them as they grow.  Mental illness can happen from life experiences at any age.  In my experience, when a person is mentally strong at the outset, even the most of traumatic of experiences can be faced with good coping skills and strong emotional intelligence.

We all owe it to ourselves to look after our mental health and to behave in a way our children can be mentored by and learn from. This is not a blame game.  Our parents came from a different generation.  The years fly by and so much changes.  I still wince when I hear my mother using terms for people born in Africa and India, people with learning disabilities and same sex unions.  Time will fly by again when we are their age so it is important that we keep up to date with our own terminology and unconscious bias.

I’m fifty-five and I certainly didn’t know anything about mental health and counselling when I was a teenager. I wish I had.  Children sense when something is wrong. They don’t deserve to be stonewalled or shouted at, to be told, “wait till your father gets home” or “because I told you so”; Mummy lying in bed for days on end with depression or Dad not fit to play football because he has a hangover. For children, witnessing physical violence can lead to them becoming violent. Alcoholic parents can grow alcoholic children. Spoiling and neglecting can lead to narcissistic traits or full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

No-one’s perfect.  Many families are pretty dysfunctional and that’s normal in my book. Maybe just think about the way we behave and articulate towards our kids.  They’ll thank us by becoming emotionally intelligent and happy adults. 

Sally Nilsson is a Human Givens Psychotherapist based in Reigate, near Dorking, Surrey. She is currently treating clients using Zoom and walking talking therapy. Please get in touch at www.freshstart.me.uk