How to prevail over two behaviours that get in the way of honest conversations at work and home.

It was a beautiful day at the beach and plenty of people were out enjoying the post-lockdown sunshine.

As a woman walked past, I heard a little boy gasp, “Mummy, that lady is so fat!”

Do you tell it like it is?

Yes, there are times when we need a filter – and I’m guessing that mum on the beach wished her son’s was more developed.

And there are many other times when speaking up courageously, rather than sugar-coating or avoiding the truth, is truly the best option.

An avoidance of uncomfortable conversations plays out negatively in so many workplaces, teams and families. As Steven M. R. Covey reminds us in The Speed of Trust, that’s often because our desire to avoid an uncomfortable reaction is stronger than our desire to raise a sensitive issue, even if it’s in the other person’s best interest.

You might notice this Plague of Avoidance in meetings, especially virtual ones, where the majority of people stay quiet and don’t readily share their opinions.

Think about how much time is wasted by that lack of response; the gaping void defined by everyone’s reluctance to state how they really feel about the issue.

They probably fall into one of two categories:

1. The Silent Sponges

These are the ones who soak up the discussion but give nothing back. They absorb the information but you never really know how they feel about it. You’re not sure if they’re going to act on whatever came out of the conversation, or if it’s going nowhere. As a result, you’re likely to spend needless time chasing them up or trying to find out who is doing what.

2. The Smiling Assassins

These people have a pleasant expression carefully composed on their face, but inwardly they’re already plotting the demise of your idea. They don’t openly oppose you; they sit there giving off an air of support, then go away and undermine what you’re trying to do – either openly or through subtle sabotage. Again, this is a huge time waster and a killer of trust.

How can you make sure you don’t fall into either category; telling sometimes hard truths, but without the bluntness of the child on the beach?

Continually check in with yourself and ask; Am I telling it straight or am I dancing around the truth here? Am I trying to spin this information so it sounds better than it actually is? If so, is that really going to serve the other person or those in the group?

Or, at the opposite end of being reticent, am I perhaps using exaggerated language that makes my comment sounds stronger than I really mean it to be?

Rather than fearing an uncomfortable response from someone else, be proactive and focus on your own words. Having a structure for your comments can make a huge difference. The Center for Creative Leadership’s SBI Framework is an excellent approach to having a potentially difficult conversation.

While you can’t control what the other person or the group will say in response, having done even a small amount of preparation will fuel your confidence. Even better if you can rehearse your words aloud in private, or role-play them with a trusted friend or colleague.

Remember that words have weight, and the English language has a rich palette of words that carry similar – but not identical - meanings. You have the option of rethinking and choosing precisely the right word to convey your truth.

As we go into the festive season, which perhaps might present additional stresses and challenges for you, I encourage you to focus on telling it like it is - but always with kindness and good intentions. That way, you’re being your authentic self and doing everything in your control to promote healthy and productive relationships.

Dr Neryl East is a professional speaker and facilitator who shows current and future leaders how to be heard, stand out and command influence. Connect with her:https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/neryleast/