How to Pretend You’re Having an Existential Crisis While Actually Dealing With a Real Money and Job Crisis

Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the rare combo of grappling with life’s big philosophical questions while simultaneously dodging unpaid bills and unanswered recruiter emails. On the surface, you're soul-searching about the meaning of life. In reality? You're just trying to survive. Here’s how to perfectly balance this delicate act while maintaining your curated image of introspection:

Step 1: Talk About “Purpose” Like You’re a Philosopher, Not Someone Checking Their Overdraft Balance

When people ask how you’re doing, avoid saying, “I’m broke and jobless.” Instead, go for something existential like, “I’m questioning what really matters in life right now.” Use words like purpose, alignment, and soulful journey. No one needs to know that your “journey” includes reusing coffee filters and searching for “free rent hacks” on YouTube.

Step 2: Post Deep Quotes That Distract From Your Empty Fridge

Head to Instagram or LinkedIn, pick a deep quote about life, and post it with a moody filter. Bonus points if it’s by Nietzsche or Confucius. Caption it with something vague like, “Finding clarity in the chaos.” Meanwhile, your chaos is really a pile of bills on your kitchen table, but no one needs to know that. Existential crises, when done right, should look poetic, not desperate.

Step 3: Romanticize Your Situation in Front of Others

When someone asks why you haven’t found a job yet, tell them you’re prioritizing mental clarity over career hustling. Mention taking time to understand “what truly fulfills you.” Don’t bring up the fact that you’ve already applied to 37 jobs this week and were ghosted by all of them. Make it sound like you’ve consciously chosen this path of reflection.

Step 4: Blame Society for Everything

Nothing screams existential crisis louder than ranting about “late-stage capitalism” or “the flawed 9-to-5 grind.” Shift the focus away from your struggles and onto “the system.” Say things like, “Why do we measure success through material wealth?” while secretly hoping for at least one recruiter to email you back about an entry-level role.

Step 5: Treat “Self-Care” as a Full-Time Job

Start every morning with yoga poses you learned on TikTok and end your evenings journaling about gratitude. This will buy you just enough time to avoid thinking about your next rent payment. When people see your carefully curated self-care routine, they won’t notice that the real crisis in your life involves being down to your last can of soup.

Step 6: Channel Your Inner Artist (Even If You’re Not One)

Claim you’re exploring “creative outlets” to cope with your existential thoughts. Start painting, writing poetry, or playing guitar—badly. Bonus points if you share your creations online with captions like, “Art is how I process this chapter of my life.” No one needs to know the “chapter” is just you panicking about overdue rent.

Step 7: Master the Art of “Fake It Till You Make It”

Finally, accept that the line between an existential crisis and a money crisis is blurry at best. Use your existential musings as a smokescreen for the practical struggles you’re facing. Who knows? If you perform the act long enough, maybe you'll even convince yourself that you're on some grand spiritual journey... instead of just trying to keep your head above water.

The Magical Final Thoughts

Life’s a mess, and let’s face it: existential crises sound much cooler than money crises. So, why not own it? Pretend you’re searching for deeper meaning while quietly hoping for a raise, a job offer, or even just a small loan from Mom. After all, appearances are everything—and the internet doesn’t need to know the difference.

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