How to be a “post-perfectionist” in a world of criticism and high expectations

This came up in a mastermind session a few weeks ago and stuck with me.

If you’ve done the work to let go of something, how do you handle it when people around you haven’t?

The question came from a leader who’d volunteered her team to take on a project that no one else was prepared to do. It had to be done quickly, and her team delivered.

But instead of thanks for stepping up, the leader received public criticism—the deliverable wasn’t up to the standards of the person who’d needed it done.

It turns out that there hadn’t been any detailed requirements for the project. No acceptance criteria.

It’s hard to succeed (at anything) if there’s no agreed-on definition of success in the first place.

What’s a post-perfectionist?

The backstory is a little bit ironic, or maybe just bittersweet. The leader who raised the topic is highly perceptive, meaning highly sensitive in many ways. And many of us who share this trait are particularly sensitive to criticism. We tend to take it personally, even if we know, intellectually, that it wasn’t intended that way.

We have high standards and expectations of ourselves and others, and we see both the big picture and the details. Given all the details and nuances we perceive, it can be hard not to be perfectionistic.

We also typically have deep empathy and can read the room well. So we know when people aren’t happy or are disappointed, even if they don’t express it overtly.

On top of all that, we tend to be highly conscientious and driven—often on behalf of the team or collective, rather than ourselves. Focused on successful group outcomes. ?

So when something like this happens, we're processing a bunch of different emotions, including, potentially, frustration that no one's on the same page, disappointment for the team that didn't get the thanks they deserve, confusion about the actual requirements and what was missed, and a desire to work things out to everyone's satisfaction.

You can be one, too

With self-awareness, understanding, and the right kind of support—whether it’s 1:1 coaching, a mastermind, another type of community, or simply putting in the work on your own—we can learn to respond differently to feedback and criticism, and to make different choices about what good enough looks like in various contexts.

So when someone with all these natural traits and tendencies has done the work to be able to let certain things go, how do they navigate an environment where others haven’t?

One of the things we talked about in our mastermind was asking more questions. Under stress or time constraints, when we’re in the thick of it, it doesn’t always occur to us. We might feel there’ll be a more appropriate time or place or we don’t want to interrupt. For whatever reasons, we just don’t ask.

(Side note: To learn more about why we stop asking questions as adults and how the right motivation for asking leads to innovation and great learning, support my friend and colleague Joe Lalley 's book announcement and presale for "Question to Learn.") ?

Asking more questions about the project deliverable and the expectations of both the client and the requestor would’ve helped establish acceptance criteria, so all stakeholders would know what success looked like.?

Then we talked about how to respond after the fact, when the team and deliverable were criticized in a public setting. It would be easy to get defensive and argue that no one else had been willing or able to take on the project. Or to apologize. Neither of those sat well with the leader in this situation. Defensiveness doesn’t help anyone, and her team didn’t do anything wrong.

So what’s the best way to handle this?

One option might be to apologize for the misunderstanding, rather than for the deliverable—no one’s to blame here, but there was a shared responsibility for establishing requirements beforehand that no one really took up.

Suggest that in the future, when a need like this arises, key stakeholders talk and agree on detailed requirements before anything else is decided or work is started.

Another possibility is to explain the leader’s/team’s understanding of the goal, the tradeoffs and decisions involved, and what they achieved, to help other stakeholders see the situation from a different perspective.

Have you dealt with something like this? What worked for you—or didn’t, and how would you manage it differently next time?

?? I share more stories and examples of how being wired a little differently—being highly sensitive or neurodivergent—can show up as both challenges and strengths in the workplace in my upcoming book, Perceptive. To learn more and help get Perceptive out into the world, visit https://tinyurl.com/perceptive-prelaunch.?

?? It’s the perfect time to get clear on your goals and design your 2025. Looking for support? Let’s chat. I have short- and longer-term offerings to suit your needs and your schedule.

?