How to positively lead negative people (and not lose your mind!)

This newsletter explores the Five Pillars of Authentic Leadership & this edition shines the spotlight how It Always Starts With You & the positive choices you can make to lead negative people. It shares tips for how to make sure they don't drag you down & don't detract from the good work that you & your team do.

Negative people are everywhere

From the 'Mood Hoovers' to the 'Neggy Nellys' & the 'Dave Downers' that proliferate most organisations & every team seems to have 'one'.

Let's be clear here - we're talking about negative people NOT bad people. Bad people are the narcissists, the bullies, the manipulators, the liars & the dickheads. Bad people & negative people are two very different types of people.

Negative people are difficult to deal with & can drain the life out of some of your interactions but the first step to leading them positively is to not judge them for their negativity. Do not allow yourself to turn them into bad people in your heart & mind & don't make them out as a pariah just because they don't share your positivity & optimism.

Not judging them is really important because if you allow your judgements to cloud them as 'bad people' then your self-fulfilling prophecy becomes negative as you tell yourself that their 121 will be difficult or that they will disrupt the team meeting. And like all self-fulfilling prophecies they end up coming true regardless of what happens or what they or you say or do.

This non-judgemental approach pays dividends for you as it means you can avoid validating their negativity. Most negative people love an argument or a confrontation that has no resolution. The more you judge them, the more you anticipate them creating an argument & go into your interactions with them with your defences up & try to get in the first shot. Negative people have a sixth sense for this & will pick up on it & will always land a much bigger first shot than you can! Which can quickly make your interactions with them descend into emotionally charged conversations that lead nowhere & leave you with negative emotions.

And that is what you need to use as motivation when leading negative people - always challenge yourself to not allow your interactions with them to leave you with negative emotions. Just because they're negative does not mean you have to feel negative.

You are the only person in the world who you have control over.

Let's take a look at the steps you can take to positive lead negative people: -

Ask yourself why are they negative

People are negative for a reason. No-one is born negative. Sure, some people hide behind BS & say things like; 'I'm opinionated me', 'I'll say it as it is' or 'you'll always know where you stand with me' which can often be masking some sort of self-doubt or lack of confidence to have open conversations & no ability to get to know people. Something has happened along the way to make people negative or the culture of the organisation makes them perceive that negativity is the right way to go.

Take a step back & reflect on their attitudes & behaviours & delve into what you know about the negative people & ask yourself 'why? What reason do they have to be negative? What has happened to them to make them be negative?' & be curious with what you can recognise about them. Common reasons for people being negative include: -

• Their life & work experiences have turned them to pessimism or cynicism & it shows in their attitudes & behaviours
• They have previously worked with people who broke their trust or never kept their promises so now they expect that to be repeated wherever they work
• They have lost their sense of purpose
• They have worked in the same organisation for too long & no longer know why they work there
• The culture of the organisation conflicts with their values & beliefs which triggers their negativity

Understanding why they are negative isn't to give them an excuse. Nor is it for them to justify their negativity. Being curious about the reasons behind it helps you to remember that they are still a human being. And like all human beings, negative people have experiences that shape their beliefs & inform how they behave. This makes sure that you don't write them off & cause more problems for yourself by showing any negativity towards them... the more negative you are, the more negative they will be!

Of course, the only way to truly understand why they are negative is to ask them. When you start by first reflecting on this & looking at from their perspective, the less the prospect of asking them frightens you. Seek out the right opportunity to show that you want to see things from their perspective & ask them to share with you why they think have chosen to be negative.

This openness shows to them that you will not shy away from their negativity & that you will help them to understand more about themselves. one of the worst things that leaders do when leasing negative people is to try & avoid open conversations with them. All this does is show them that you will not confront it which gives them licence to keep being negative!

Remember that their attitudes & behaviours reflect on them NOT you

Because leaders are responsible for the overall performance of their team, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you are responsible for the attitudes & behaviours of the individual team members - you are NOT. Every individual is responsible for their own attitudes & behaviours.

As a leader, be strong enough & have the confidence to allow your team's individual attitudes & behaviours to reflect on them. If a member of your team goes to a meeting at which you are not present & demonstrates negativity then that reflects on THEM not you. You cannot take responsibility for other adults' behaviours.

Sure, you need to give them feedback should you it be raised with you by other people but that needs to be done from a point of view of asking them to take responsibility for their attitudes & behaviours & make it clear that you will always have the conversation with them. Ask them questions like 'how did you want to come across in that meeting?' or 'what do you want other people to say about you after the meeting?' To show them that you expect them to take responsibility for themselves. They might not engage in an open conversation but how they respond to the question is not the most important thing here - it is you showing them that you will front it out with them & do it from a point of view of getting them to think about their own attitudes & behaviours.

This helps you to not lose your mind as you continually show to them that they are responsible for themselves & you don't take their negativity home with you. There is also an important part of this in terms of you having the conversation with them. Stop yourself from talking about them behind their back because that is the fast way to allow their attitudes & behaviours to reflect on you as it make people perceive you as the boss who talks about their negative team members behind their back but never does anything about it - that's the easy way to let the Neggy Nellys win!

Set expectations

This needs to be done in two ways - with the whole team & with Dave Downer themselves.

Set expectations with your team in a collaborative way. Do this for your team's reputation & the attitudes & behaviours that you want to be known for. Include the negative people in this & make sure they contribute. They will never say they want to be negative so you can then hold them to account for meeting the expectations set together.

Dong this with your team also means you can encourage them to call each other out for both positive demonstrations & negative examples. This gives the negative people less opportunities to be negative because they know that their peers will also call them out & it won't just get ignored in-the-moment & escalated to you to battle it out with them.

This also means that you can challenge them if they become negative in meetings that you are there with them & there is no 'wiggle room' or grey areas because your feedback is based on expectations that they helped to set so it is not 'you said, they said' it is 'we said' which always resonates more for them taking responsibility for themselves.

The expectations to set with them is for what are the non-negotiables you expect from them even when they refuse to drop the pessimism. I learnt to do this with two negative people whom I previously managed & who refused to buy-in to the team & were the classic examples of 'playing the game' for their own benefit.

1. Team member who was self-appointed 'gob almighty' who tried to fight others battles for them & always voiced resistance & concern to any changes or new work that we took on. Always without any real substance behind it! I had to make it clear to them that if they were going to continue to be negative in that way, they would never be considered for promotion or new projects & that I would keep having the 'difficult conversations' with them.
2. The most experienced Trainer in my team who refused to do any additional duties or learn how to deliver new courses. I made it clear to them that this would stop them being considered for performance related pay rises & that I would not seek their ideas or input on our Training Strategy. I also made it clear that I expected them to contribute to team meetings & not criticise others for their ideas or for them taking on more responsibility. Again, it was made clear to them that we would keep having the 'difficult conversations'

Did this stop them being negative? Did it heck! It reduced their negativity & its impact on the team & it made other team members buy into my leaders even more strongly as they saw that I wouldn't just accept their negativity. it also made my life easier because it made it clear how decisions would be made regarding their potential reward & progression & I didn't have to carry around the worry of the next 'difficult conversation' because the tone was set & they then knew what they could challenge & what they couldn't.

Live up to what you stand for & role model what you want from others

Perhaps the most important point here - in the face of negative people; you have to live up to what you stand for & role model what you want from others. And be resilient in doing so.

With negative people, it is easy to lose your rag or put yourself in a situation where you purposely leave them out or treat them differently. This just encourages them to keep being negative.

If you want them to listen you - listen them first.

If you want them to stop interrupting you - never interrupt them.

If you want them engage with people - always engage with them.

If you want them to consider their impact on others - always show that you consider your impact on others.

If you want them to accept feedback - you must always ask for & accept your feedback.

If you want them to trust you - you must trust them.

Negative attitudes & behaviours are easier to imitate than positive ones & a bizarre trait of human behaviour is that we deny ourselves doing the things that we want others to do just because they don't do them.

Be resolute in doing what you believe is right to show them that you will be consistent in spite of their negativity. The best way to get people to show the attitudes & behaviours that you want from them is for you to show them first which encourages them to reciprocate them.

The thing is about negative people is that whilst they might not demonstrably change, they will respect you for being consistent which will (eventually) encourage them to be less negative towards you.

You can never compromise yourself

Ask, Don't Tell

This can be one of the hardest steps as you have to fight against what comes naturally to you - with negative people you want to tell them what to do & how to behave. In fact, sometimes you want to scream at them. This achieves nothing because the more you tell them what to do, the more you invite them to challenge you & keep banging on about their own opinion.

It also reduces accountability because they will actively seek out the chance to prove that you have told them to do doesn't work & then deflect all responsibility back to you.. "you told me to do it so it's not my fault" or "I told you it wouldn't work" are favourite lines of Mood Hoovers that I have encountered.

Take every opportunity to ask them powerful open questions. This can often be really effective in response to something they raise or escalate to you. Even the classic 'what do you think you should do?' can work. Not necessarily because they will come up with their own solutions but because it shows to them that you will not just do things for them or tell them what to do only to be shot down by them.

When I worked with one of the most negative people I have ever had the (dis)pleasure of managing, I was encouraged to write down potential open questions to ask them so my subconscious mind reminded me to start a conversation with them with a question or to respond with one. This really worked for me & helped me to choose a positive response to the thoughts & feelings telling me to get animated with them & go down the route of telling them what to do all the time.

You can also be creative with this approach & ask them questions when they don't expect you to. 121's or performance reviews are good for this as they expect you to follow a form & instead you push the form to one side & ask them questions that get them to talk about themselves & how they think & feel about their role.

A coaching client of mine took this approach recently when they were encouraged to put their negative team member on a 'PIP' (the classic BS Performance Improvement Plan) which would have told the team member exaryl what to do. As you have probably experienced, PIPs regularly work & a big reason for that is the negative person can simply reject them & show that they never came up with the ideas on the PIP which leads to more uncomfortable conversations.

My coaching client chose not to use the PIP & instead had regular conversations with them asking them powerful open questions. Always staring conversations about their performance with 'what do you want to get from this conversations?' & always ending with 'what are you gong to do as a result of this conversation?'. This led to the negative individual coming up with their own ideas for how to improve their performance & admitting to their shortcomings. The overall outcome was that the negative person got another job & left off their own volition because they knew they could no longer get away with their negativity & not facing up their own challenges.

Consider what open questions you can ask your negative team member & develop your habit of asking them. This creates a different perspective in their mind & makes think that they need to take a different approach because they start to see that their negativity just results in them talking about it rather them being able to have another 'argument' which leads nowhere.

Don't try to change or control them

The final step needs you to accept that you cannot change or control other people; you can only change or control you.

So many managers waste so much time trying to change or control their negative people. Only to end up disappointed.

This step is the most effective for you not losing your mind when it comes to leading negative people. At the end of the day; if someone wants to be negative, that's their choice. And it's their problem as they ruin their relationships & reputation.

Trying to change or control them only results in you expending time & energy on something that will never happen. They can only change themselves. Make that clear in your own mind & build your conversation with them around that approach. Support & challenge them to change themselves & if they either refuse or simply don't have the emotional intelligence to do so, then accept it & move on. Implement all of the above steps & allow yourself to focus on changing & controlling yourself.

You're the only person you can change. Don't waste time trying to change others - focus on developing yourself first

Take some time today to consider the negative people that you work with & how you can change your approach to make sure that it Always Starts With You.

• What do you need to role model to the negative people that you work with?
• What expectations do you need to set with your team & with negative individuals?
• Why do you think the negative people you work choose to be negative?
• How can you ask negative people more powerful open questions?

Share your experiences of leading negative people & how you approached it by commenting on this article.

Get in touch today to discuss how developing authentic leaders can help your leaders to positively lead negative people. ??