How to play nicely - Three reasons why House Rules matter.

One of the most important lessons I learnt when I first started facilitating gatherings in business is that you must have ground rules for engagement in any meeting. For me they are 100% essential. No house rules means no gathering. This is not negotiable.

Why is it so important? 

We gather with a set of assumptions.

As with most things in life, we run on the autopilot of assumptions. The same goes for gatherings, be it business workshops, dinner parties with our friends or even the people we live with. On Word Porn I recently read, "My wife and I play this fun game during the quarantine, it's called "Why Are You Doing It That Way?' and there are no winners." To me this referred to the assumptions about how to run a home. The same applies in business. We turn up with a set of assumptions about how to behave and what to do and at the same time assume everyone else is working to the same playbook. It just isn't so!

House Rules make it safe for everyone in the room. 

When we all agree on how to be, or behave, in a gathering, it makes it safe for everyone. We all know what is expected both of ourselves and each other and it is clearly communicated. I always give the group the freedom to create their own (and make sure I have a back-up plan just in case.) When a gathering creates their own House Rules I know what is important to them. If necessary, I ask permission to add a couple of my own House Rules. This is to ensure I have permission to use practices that will let me help the gathering flow. 

The importance of fairly enforcing House Rules. 

In yet another week where what happens in the US dominates social media, I particularly liked Malcolm Gladwell's Revisionist History Podcast “The Limits of Power” where he shared a chapter from his book "David and Goliath". In it he talks about authority and the principle of legitimacy. Gladwell says "When people in authority want us to behave, it matters first and foremost how they behave. This is called the principle of legitimacy and legitimacy is based on three things. First of all, the people who are asked to obey authority have to feel like they have a voice and, if they speak up, they will be heard. Secondly the law has to be predictable. There has to be a reasonable expectation that the rules tomorrow are going to be roughly the same as the rules today. And the rules have to be fair. They can't treat one group different to another."

I believe that these same principles apply to the microcosm of a gathering, where everyone has agreed to and is expected to play by the rules - myself included! If you aren’t prepared to call out and enforce House Rules, don’t waste your time creating them. We all need to abide by and enforce the agreed rules or else anarchy happens. 

Over the years I have heard hundreds of different House Rules.  My favourites include: “Let’s not boil the ocean” and “Have strong opinions and hold them lightly”.

I wonder what you have heard that has resonated with you. Please share!