How Persuading Strengths Support EI Relationship Management

In this fourth article on the Strength-Based Emotional Intelligence framework, we’ll explore the connection between Persuading strengths and the EI skill of Relationship Management. The ideas come from Your Best Self at Work, my book with Dr. Joel Bennett, published in 2021. Our model shows how four realms of strengths – Thinking, Doing/Organizing, Relating, and Persuading – align with four skills of Emotional Intelligence (EI) – Self-Awareness, Self-Management, Social Awareness, and Relationship Management, respectively.

The EI model popularized by Dr. Daniel Goleman portrays EI as dealing with emotions in Self and Others and operating on two levels – Awareness and Action (or management). Previous articles in this series have looked at Self-Awareness and Self-Management, and most recently at Social Awareness. Now we arrive at the intriguing question of what it means to act with good emotional intelligence based on emotions in others. In the skills of EI, Relationship Management is “where the rubber meets the road” in our work and interactions with others.

At the risk of stating the obvious, we must recognize at the outset that we cannot do anything to actually manage the emotions in others in the same way that we talk about Self-Management of emotions. Even if this was possible, any action I might take in trying to change or manage another person’s emotions, without their involvement and willing cooperation, would constitute manipulation. I can’t change what another person is feeling.

What I can do is to aim to positively manage interactions, communication, and relationships in the midst of emotional situations – and realize that the emotions are likely affecting both myself and others. Relationship Management is thus the broadest and most extensive skill set under the EI umbrella. It consists of a wide range of interpersonal skills, from communication (in all of its various forms), through the fine art of influence, collaboration, and teamwork, to the skills of negotiation and conflict management.

However, there’s a great paradox in Relationship Management. While it is the broadest and perhaps most important skill set in EI, it is also the area in which the fewest people have natural talents and strengths.

One point of evidence: In Gallup’s database for CliftonStrengths?, which has been administered over 27 million times to people all over the world, the themes in the Influencing domain occur least frequently. Most have an average ranking in the lower half of all 34 themes, and they appear the least in the top 5 or top 10 strengths of individuals. I have often worked with individuals and teams who look at their reports, with strengths categorized across the four domains, and say something to the effect of “I guess I (or we) don’t have much influence.” Yet nothing could be further from the truth!

The CliftonStrengths report actually includes a caveat that notes that every person (and every team) does the work of all four realms – Thinking, Doing, Relating, and Persuading (or Influencing). Everyone influences others in some ways; however, they may do it using their own strengths from other domains to get the desired outcome. One person might build a good reputation for getting things done to gain influence; another may build strong relationships to have a foundation for influencing; and someone else might apply their thinking strengths to chart the best path to influence others.

If you have strengths in the Persuading realm, you should definitely use them! The personality factor that links to the Persuading strengths is Extroversion, and most of the strength themes reflect the personality trait of assertiveness or dominance within the extroversion factor. While there are many people who are extroverted (roughly half of the population), assertiveness is a less frequent trait. In some cultures, organizations, and relationships, it may not be socially acceptable for a person to exhibit high dominance or assertiveness. It’s a trait that some people have learned to “dial down” to avoid rubbing people the wrong way. If you have strength in this realm, use it!

For most of us though, influence comes as more of a learned skill rather than an innate capability. We have to be creative in thinking about how to apply our strengths in other realms to do the work of influencing and persuading. I believe this is a literally a set of skills that each of us could continue to develop and enhance throughout our lives. And research would support the idea that people can get better at each of these skills through training, coaching, and practice.?

This week, these four articles have shown how one’s strengths in a particular realm support one of the four skills of EI – our cornerstone skill. Thinking strengths sustain Self-Awareness; Doing & Organizing bolster Self-Management; Relating strengths uphold Social Awareness; and Persuading strengths support Relationship Management. Next week, we’ll explore how we can apply our strengths in any realm to build the other EI skills beyond our cornerstone skill. And we’ll also see how enhanced EI skills support the best application of our strengths, avoiding misapplication and overuse.