How to persuade others to accept your feedback
The only thing more challenging than giving feedback? Getting others to accept it.
Let's assume that your feedback is fair, timely and delivered with care. (That alone would be cause for applause.) You bring examples. You open up a conversation. You even acknowledge your blind spots. Despite your best efforts to make feedback fearless , it still flops: Not only does the recipient dismiss your feedback, but he or she challenges its very premise. "I never talk over people at meetings! In fact, I think you're the one misrepresenting the facts of what really happened!"
So how can you get others to accept feedback if they flat-out refuse to accept reality?
For starters, you might want to grab some plumbing supplies.
This week on I Wish They Knew , the predictably unpredictable Dan Ariely dropped by to discuss why rational people believe irrational things, from fake news to conspiracy theories and even their own ability to persuade others. It was this last point -- our belief that we are more convincing than we really are -- that got me thinking: So how do we get others to see a reality they choose not to accept?
Cracking their confidence
When it comes to countering misbelief, Ariely doesn't think we should attack people's ignorance. Instead, we should crack their confidence by exposing the gap between what they think they know and what they actually know. Cognitive scientists call this the "illusion of explanatory depth ," the human tendency to intuitively feel that we understand complex phenomena much more deeply and precisely than we actually do.
To support the point, Ariely assembled a group of people and asked them to rate their understanding of how a flush toilet works. Most people gave themselves high marks for understanding -- it's a simple flush toilet, right? Next, Ariely presented participants with the various fixtures and fittings of a flush toilet and instructed them to assemble it. Not surprisingly, almost no one could do it. (Some people watched YouTube tutorials, but that didn't count.) Finally, Ariely asked participants once again to rate their understanding of how a flush toilet works -- and this time, participants assigned themselves a much lower rating than they did before being confronted with the task.
They changed their beliefs -- not because of force, but reason. They had narrowed their confidence gap.
How to help others accept feedback
The next time someone rejects your feedback, I don't suggest you grab a flapper or valve. But you might try the following techniques to close the gap between confidence and knowledge. This may help others come to terms with your feedback on their own terms.
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Focus on "what," not "why"
Asking others to describe why something happened can lead them to double-down on their view and version of events. Instead, get them to discuss what happened. As they recount the details, they may come to realize complexities they didn't see before.
Probe, don't prosecute
Shift the tone of feedback from blame to curiosity. Ask others to explain their rationale, and follow up with questions designed to elicit more understanding. Curiosity signals interest, which puts others at ease and softens the ground for dialogue.
Flip the frame
Get others to play the part of mentor and ask them how they would advise someone facing a similar situation. By shifting seats and putting some distance between themselves and the issue, others may come to appreciate how your feedback matches up with their own instincts.
We can't compel others how to think, but we can show them different ways of thinking. If we can change our tactics, our feedback can gain more traction.
Keep fixing,
Joe
Dr. Joe Hirsch helps organizations design and deliver feedback without fear. He's a TEDx and global keynote speaker and the author of "The Feedback Fix ." Joe's work and research has been featured in Harvard Business Review, Forbes, CNBC, The Wall Street Journal, Inc. and other major outlets. He also hosts the popular podcast, I Wish They Knew .