How Perfect Fails Us

So many of us fall into the trappings of perfection. I have been a card carrying - and now recovering - perfectionist for my entire life. Achievement and progress are deemed to be cornerstones of life and jumping off points for happiness. But what is at the end of the rainbow? What happens to us when we don’t get to the destination? Or worse - we do - and we realize we still want ‘more’??

The dominant theme I have taken away from my first few months of Torch Lighter Project is an undercurrent of anxiety stemming from a belief that there is a linear path to success, and the only way to get there requires perfection. A literal expectation that life will not move forward unless you are as close to 100% as possible.?

Having a 99% average in high school, and just squeaking into your chosen program is something that I do not understand. If we allow students to believe that they should be aiming for 100%, how do we think they are going to navigate the rest of our lives? What does life look like if you are not allowed to fail? And what does it mean for them when they enter the workforce and realize that perfect is an absolute illusion in every way?

I am all for personal accountability, working hard and achieving results. However, something has to be wrong when we are outwardly trying to achieve perfection. I remember what it felt like to hustle for grades and to work hard to get acceptance into top schools. I don’t remember feeling like there was no room for error.?

I was a good student. I felt the pressure of school as fuel to try my best and apply myself. I was lucky that my learning environment was building up my confidence with a healthy balance. We were focused on a high bar, and taught the fundamentals of how to meet goals. I pulled out my calculator when I received every mark to calculate my average. I lamented and experienced angst when I missed. I celebrated when I got the grades I worked hard to achieve.?

I am hearing from our next generation leaders that many of them did not feel assured in their futures. Learning was not filling them with confidence, but instead fear. To some it felt like a zero sum game. You either hit perfect, or you will not succeed.?

This is continuing for those now nearing the end of their undergraduate degrees. New focus on internship programs have replaced the requirements of perfect grades. Hundreds of amazing applicants put their name in for one role. Most of them are full of shame and believe that it was because they were simply not good enough. They start the limiting belief that they will never get a job.?

My message for these Gen Z leaders is that everything will be OK. Every step you are taking is one that is in the right direction. We often learn more from failure than success, and to that end everything is forward. The internship and those perfect grades are steps on a path. They are not the only ones. In fact it is the sideways moments where the richness of life presents itself to you. Your own unique path is still in front of you.??

My message to employers and educators is that we have a role to play, too. These burgeoning leaders are going to enter the workforce with grit and hustle that many of us don’t possess. They will have a very high bar for themselves. They might also need some more time to learn to process feedback and failure. They could use development opportunities that help them to build confidence and perhaps a new calibration of what good looks like.

And as a parent, I am going to do my very best to support my kids with more balance. To find ways for them to learn from loss and to build up resilience. To expect a lot, but allow space for failure. They will need to feel confident that they have the skills within them to weather storms and achieve great heights. I will allow them to calibrate their own path to happiness that will need to have shadow and light.

My own work continues, too. Failing with grace is perfection. Crafting a life of richness on my own terms.

If you are an early 20-something women interested in a Torch Lighter Project conversation, visit www.torchlighterproject.com to sign up for a session.