How Past Experiences Shape Our Lives

Why Do Some Experiences Stay With Us? Understanding Trauma and Emotional Triggers

Have you ever reacted to something and thought, why did that upset me so much? A small comment, a minor conflict, or a seemingly harmless situation can sometimes trigger emotions that feel bigger than the moment itself.

In my latest podcast episode, I sat down with, a Mental Health Social Worker and Family Therapist, to unpack how past experiences shape our emotions, behaviours, and relationships.

What Actually Counts as Trauma?

Trauma isn’t just about life-threatening events. It’s anything that overwhelms the ability to cope. Some experiences—like accidents, abuse, or sudden loss—are what’s called "big T" trauma. Others, like repeated invalidation, childhood neglect, or ongoing stress, fall under "little t" trauma. Both can leave a lasting imprint.

"Just because something was difficult doesn’t mean it was traumatic. Trauma leaves a lasting imprint on the nervous system."

The key difference is that trauma rewires how we respond to stress. It can make someone hyper-alert, emotionally shut down, or stuck in patterns like people-pleasing to avoid conflict. These responses often start in childhood and continue into adulthood, shaping self-beliefs like I don’t matter or I always get it wrong.

Why Do Some Situations Trigger Strong Reactions?

A frustrating conversation with a boss, an argument with a partner, or even a minor social rejection can sometimes feel overwhelming. That’s often because the nervous system is responding not just to the present but to unprocessed past experiences.

"That’s always a sign there’s something deeper going on. If the reaction feels bigger than the situation, it’s usually connected to something from the past."

For example, someone who was often dismissed as a child may struggle when they feel unheard at work. A person who grew up in an unpredictable home might overreact to minor changes in plans. These responses aren’t logical—they’re automatic survival patterns.

Do We Overuse the Word ‘Trauma’?

It’s common to hear people say, that was so traumatic when something is frustrating or upsetting. While all emotions are valid, true trauma changes the way the nervous system functions. Overusing the term can sometimes minimise the impact of real trauma while also preventing people from recognising everyday stress as something important to address.

"People don’t come to therapy because of their positive experiences. It’s the difficult or missing experiences that shape how we see ourselves."

Understanding the difference helps with both self-awareness and healing.

How to Start Shifting Emotional Patterns

Recognising emotional patterns is the first step. Instead of getting stuck in the moment, it helps to ask, Where have I felt this before? Identifying patterns creates space to choose a different response instead of automatically reacting.

Therapies like EMDR, schema therapy, and family systems therapy help process past experiences so they don’t continue to shape present reactions. Books like What Happened to You? by Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey, and self-compassion work by Kristin Neff, also provide useful insights.

Listen to the full episode here