How Parents Lead by Example

I arrived bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at Marine Corps Officer Candidates School (OCS) in June 2011. I was ready to absorb the traditions, history, and culture that the movies and commercials displayed. One of the earliest memories I have is learning the phrase, “Ductus Exemplo.” It's the OCS motto that means, “Lead by example.” That motto was the theme of every history lesson, lecture, and scolding. In fact, it's exactly why my Platoon Sergeant screamed, “You failed” in the loudest and most obnoxious voice I’d ever heard after I “lost” my BFA and “butt pack!”

The message he was eloquently expressing in front of the entire company was that as a leader, I cannot expect others to do something that I couldn't or wouldn't do myself. This loud-mouth Drill Instructor sounded just like my parents! The “lead by example” principle had been ingrained in me since I was a kid, so this wasn't a new philosophy. Even so, I recently found myself relearning this lesson.?

The Lesson.

Recently, my family and I were driving back from Charlotte when my son peeked over my shoulder and said, “Hey Dad, the speed limit is 65.” I responded, “okay…?” “You're going 70,” he continued. I chuckled, “Yeah Son. You just sit back there and let me do the driving.” I immediately heard ol’ Gunnery Sergeant Kornegay scream, “You faiiiiilllled” in my mind. I silently chuckled at the thought before swallowing my pride and saying, “You're right. I'm slowing down.”

This seemed like a minor thing at the time, but it was a major lesson and reminder for me. Our children expect us to lead by example. Who knows how many times I've told them that they should “follow the rules” even when it's uncomfortable or when they think no one is watching? I'm proud of my son for having the courage to gently correct me for exemplifying the “do as I say, not as I do” lifestyle. But why is this important? Because our children look to our example for values, experience, lessons in emotional control, and consistency.?

Values.

Leading children by example is crucial because we serve as the primary role models in their lives. That means that our children learn by observing and imitating our behavior. By doing so, they learn what is socially, ethically, and morally right and wrong. This is how they learn to live by the values which guide their behavior and decisions. Our children watch us to see how often we uphold or sway away from the standards we preach–especially when we think no one is watching. The more we sway, the more we create new, oftentimes lower, standards.

Experience.

When we exemplify positive behaviors and uphold the standard, we provide a blueprint for our children to follow, shaping their character, beliefs, and actions. Our children inevitably learn how they should interact with the world around them by witnessing how we experience life. Thereby, we are infusing positive qualities into our children when we model desirable traits like kindness, honesty, empathy, resilience, and perseverance. This, in turn, helps them develop into responsible, compassionate, and well-tempered individuals.

Reactions and Responses.

Children learn from our reactions and responses primarily through observation and imitation. They closely watch how we respond to both positive and negative situations. Watch them next time you're responding to someone or something that happened. You'll notice that they're staring at you as they study your verbal cues, tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions to interpret your emotions and understand appropriate behavior.

Positive reactions and responses reinforce desirable behaviors and teach children what actions are valued and appreciated. For example, a child can learn the importance of generosity and cooperation when he child sees how those in need respond to you giving your time and resources.

Conversely, negative reactions teach children to associate certain behaviors with disapproval or punishment. This may cause them avoid those actions in the future. Using the same example from above: imagine the lesson your child learns when she hears you criticize or sees you disregard those in need.?

Overall, children internalize the reactions and responses of the adults around them which shapes their understanding of social norms, values, and emotional expression. That’s why it's important for us to consistently model healthy and constructive reactions.

Consistency.

We are our children's proverbial north-seeking arrow for their moral compass. That means they look to us as a reference point for their actions, decisions, and behavior.? If you read the news, you can see the daily negative effects of inconsistent leadership. Behaviors or inconsistencies between what we say and do can confuse children and undermine their trust in your guidance. As such, you play a pivotal role in shaping your children's moral compass, character development, and overall well-being by consistently embodying the values and principles you wish to instill.

Our consistent example is what will lead our children to become the morally sound, life impacting leaders we want them to be. My question to you is, “Are you ready to lead by example?”