How The Pain Began To Debilitate Me

I remember the pain as if it was yesterday. It was a nasty type of pain, one that does not let you forget it’s there that’s for sure. When I had the niggle in my right ankle I really did not worry about it, and I only went to see the doctor when I could not shake it off after a few weeks.?I'm not a fan of going to the doctor, and that always used to trigger an image of fear in my brain. I was already feeling anxious, and not great about myself, especially as I was looking after my son, who was a 7 month old baby, and my 3 year old daughter.

The doctor told me I may have a herniated disc (without concrete proof of any imaging), I did not think about it much. He had asked me to do a few stretches to reach that conclusion. He referred me for physiotherapy, which was just before lockdown hit, and told me that I should try and walk it off.

I had physiotherapy via zoom, and two sessions in person, when lockdown was lifted, the pain was very heightened as the nerve pain felt as though it had been exacerbated by the recommended exercises. I could not even carry out any stretches. The word "surgery" had been mentioned early on in my sessions, which triggered fear in my brain, and left my nervous system in a fight or flight mode. The owner of the physiotherapy practice was quite dismissive of my suggestion that I may have an emotional link to this pain, which caused restricted blood flow, having started to educate myself through Dr Sarno's work on the mind/body connection.

In the session, the owner/physiotherapist told me it was normal to feel this amount of pain, and that there were no surgeons available for surgery due to lockdown. How many times have we heard that saying "it gets bad before it gets better". Well in my case it wasn't getting better, and I was on my fourth session of physiotherapy. It felt as though my sciatic nerve was being pulled in the front of my right thigh when I was carrying out my last recommended exercise. I felt like crying there and then, as my body was misaligned, out of shape, and I desperately wanted to give up. I remember lying on my side and the pain causing me to feel flustered. I kept questioning in my mind does she understand how much pain i'm in, or only about me being another patient? As always I put on a brave face, but I couldn't deal with it internally, and I was seriously struggling. I was told to do this particular exercise as many times as I could a day, and when I did them at home, I was in agony. I fell to the floor and cried.

I felt angry, and I was blaming the recommended exercises, and physiotherapist, along with the doctor, that they had created this pain. This was not their fault, they are trained medical professionals, why would they care to ask how I was, or how I was feeling? I decided to cancel any further physiotherapy sessions, with support from Georgie Oldfield (SIRPA), and the response I received from the physiotherapy practice was "you will be at the bottom of the NHS list". I said "that's okay".

I kept asking myself how has this happened? Why me? My self esteem was at rock bottom. I was feeling so sad, and I did not have the courage to share my pain with my closest friends, or family, as I was ashamed. I was their rock, and here I was the most vulnerable I had been, and I kept it hidden away. I had friends and family asking me "why didn't you tell me?" How can you tell someone how you're feeling when you feel they wouldn't understand your journey, and you're feeling drained of energy from the pain. I didn't want to talk about pain, as this would have fuelled the fear, which I was already feeling.

My ego wanted to protect me. Lockdown was perfect for nobody to see me in such a physically debilitated way as we could not go anywhere, and there definitely was no socialising. I didn't want anyone to judge me, or feel sympathy for me as if I was a victim. I wanted to present everyone with a smile, and perception that I was strong, and this was a lie. I was hurting. I was not happy, and I did not feel good about myself. My pain had taken over any rational thinking, or feeling I had, and it left me feeling helpless.

I had so many ruminating thoughts, and one of these was dreading going back to work, as I only had a few months before my maternity leave expired. I kept thinking to myself what will they say, or do because I have this sciatic pain? When I had my meeting with the manager I never went into much detail about the pain I was going through, I didn't feel safe in the knowledge they, along with HR would understand, or cared. As far as I was concerned the focus was to get me back into work, and continue as before looking after a team. Who was going to look after me I thought?

I remember asking whether I could work from home, a request I previously wanted, and desired so that I would feel happier, and more productive with my work/life balance, and especially as a mother of two young children. I was told once lockdown was lifted workers were expected back in the office. The questions I was asking myself that were playing in my head, how will I drive to the train station? How will I walk to the office? How will I sit in a chair at work? How will I cope with everyone looking at me differently? Would I be able to work full time? What adjustments can I have?

The language that was used made me feel as if that level of understanding for someone in chronic pain was non existent. I knew in my mind this was not the kind of treatment I wanted going forwards in my work, and in my head made the decision I was not returning to work.

Over 1.5 billion people suffer worldwide from chronic pain. In the UK alone one of the most common types of chronic pain is back pain at 53% according to the NICE guidelines, and 38% was more prevalent in women.

3 takeaways:

1. Do not talk about pain or fear it – this will fuel pain symptoms even more
2. Talk to friends and family who are in your safe space, and are able to support you. Bottling up how you are feeling will keep you in a negative thought pattern
3. Don’t go it alone – join a support group to know somebody has been in your shoes. I joined two private Facebook groups, which immensely helped.