How overcoming “the tyranny of positivity” and embracing your vibe killers can help you become the best version of you

“Wanting positive experience is a negative experience; accepting negative experience is a positive experience” – Mark Manson (The subtle art of not giving a f*ck)

A wise friend once told me (on the subject of depression) that there is treasure to be found in dark caves. I myself am a firm believer that our crappiest times can be our most prolific teachers. Here’s the thing: you need to look for the treasure and actively challenge seeing the “negative” as bad and the “positive” as good. That’s what I want to get into in this article; how flipping the script on our low vibes and our “meh”-moments can help us overcome our self-limiting beliefs, and ultimately- reach our goals.

Happiness, sadness, fear, anger, surprise and disgust- these are the six basic emotions that humans were previously thought to experience. A study conducted by Alan S Cowen and Dacher Keltner later discovered that humans experience more than 27 distinct emotions. And in categorizing our emotional experiences of life, some go into the good box: joy, happiness, excitement, for example. And into the bad box, we put anger, frustration, boredom etc, to be stored away out of sight. In this equation, certain emotions are seen as positive, and their opposites- the vibe killers- are automatically chucked into the “negative” box. We strive to “raise our vibrations” (like the internet gods tell us to) and overcome the negative. In and of itself, this seems smart, but actually, by seeing our less positive emotions as negative, we are rejecting them, and in the process we are devaluing what our vibe killers can teach us about what we really want.

I have been guilty of ascribing to this kind of binary thinking for most of my life. Whenever I’ve felt crappy or depressed, I would berate myself with thoughts like Ugh, what is wrong with you! Stop being so negative. Just be positive. Happy thoughts! Be grateful. Get over yourself. The way we talk to ourselves ranges from patronizing to borderline emotional badgering. In our self-talk, we mirror what we hear from those around us. This kind of thinking perpetuates negative and self-limiting behaviours.

Recently, I have stumbled across a couple of thinkers, speakers and writers who have helped to reframe my thinking about my feelings. One of them is a woman named Susan David, an award winning (South African, might I add!) Harvard psychologist. She talks about what she calls the “tyranny of positivity”- how the pressure we put on ourselves and each other to be positive all the time keeps us from finding the gems in our lower moments.

To her, our emotions don’t need to be categorized. They are “neither here nor there, neither good nor bad”. Our emotions, negative or positive, are signals that tell us more about our values, if only we could listen. She uses the example of someone who feels bored at work. Feeling bored at work can lead to feeling demotivated and you can quickly find yourself with a case of the Sunday Scaries, dreading getting up for work. It becomes a slippery slope until you conclude you are in the wrong job or company altogether! Even worse- you could end up feeling depressed and wondering what’s the point to anything. In this situation, all “Get over yourself” and “Just be positive” does is feed the negativity.

If you are feeling bored at work, does this necessarily mean that you are in the wrong job? Sometimes, but not always. Susan suggests that if you are feeling bored at work, this might be a signal that you value learning new things or that you need more variety in your role, or perhaps even more responsibility. Boredom is acting as a signal for you to figure out what is missing. Identifying what you value in this situation also puts the responsibility on you to take some action. You can either talk to your boss about learning new things or trying new things, or you can pursue your own learning outside of your work. Either way, the action is on you.

Let’s look at another more complex example: if you are experiencing depression, what do you do? Seek the help of a medical professional? Start a course of medication? Both valid ideas- but let’s backtrack for a second. Why do you feel depressed? This answer might be harder to find.

It might require you to take a couple of steps back and truly examine your life. The answer here could be fairly intuitive, or you may need to do some serious digging. Perhaps you are in the wrong job and you are trying to make your current one work (you value meaningful work), or maybe you are struggling financially and your nerves are shot (you value being adequately rewarded), you are feeling lonely (you value companionship), or you are in a relationship that does not fulfil you (you value connection). These are just examples of what these feelings  may signal for you – mental health concerns are always  unique to the individual and the situation. But, in each of these circumstances, knowing the motivations behind the feeling helps to identify a value that is not being uhm… valued.

And when it comes to a severe form of depression, finding that value (or values) that has been unfulfilled, is like feeding an emaciated animal. It is gold. I speak from personal experience when I say this. Understanding that our negative emotions point us toward what we value has helped me to take ownership of my low moments and ask myself lots of important questions to figure out what has been missing. In turn, this has helped me to identify the ways in which I have been limiting myself- how I have let the tough times define me, instead of guide me.

This concept has really helped me to understand that there is a lot of “good” in my “bad” feelings. And I’m left wondering… how is it that we know ourselves so badly? How is it that we need to look for our values, instead of knowing what they are? That is a thought for another article…