How to Overcome Setbacks, Disappointments & Speed Bumps on the Road to Goal Accomplishment (& Still Be Wildly Successful!)

There are many things we need to know and learn about dealing with setbacks and disappointments, particularly with regard to the accomplishment of goals. After all, if you are brave enough to have dreams and go after them, you need to be strong enough to deal with the fact that you won’t always get what you want. In fact, no one does, so understanding that fact and having appropriate coping skills is essential.

I liken this to what often happens in an ice-skating competition, when the skater misses a jump or slips on the ice and lands on his or her rear end while the music plays on. These skaters never remain defeated on the ice, staring at the crowd in dismay. Without exception, they gamely get to their feet and keep skating, picking up their program wherever they can in order to finish with their best shot. After the performance, they carefully analyze their mind-set, support system, and self-care, and strategize about how they can strengthen their program in order to avoid future disappointments. That’s exactly what I want you to do.

If you’ve slipped and taken a fall, let’s take a look at what you can do to keep going and stay positive about achieving your goals...

1. You Win Some, You Lose Some… The Most Important Thing is How You Handle It

As you’ve undoubtedly experienced, disappointments are inevitable—everyone has setbacks—so be prepared for a few speed bumps along the road to achieving your goals. Don’t let a “lapse” become a “collapse.” One misstep is just one misstep. One failure is one failure. Don’t globalize your disappointment and throw your goals out the window. The most important thing about having a setback is how you handle it, how you use it to define yourself, and what you do to right the ship and keep going.

2. Self-Love Despite Setbacks

Mark R. Leary, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University, has done research on why some people roll with life’s punches, while others crumple at the first sign of a calamity. The difference, he found, is that people who have self-compassion are able to love themselves despite their failures, and see setbacks as part of the normal human condition. “Life’s tough enough with little things that happen,” Leary commented. “Self-compassion helps to eliminate a lot of the anger, depression, and pain we experience when things go badly for us.” Leary’s research has found that people who are resilient about setbacks in life share the following characteristics:

• They have fewer negative emotional reactions to real, remembered, and imagined bad events.
• They are able to accept responsibility for a negative event, but don’t take on negative feelings about it.
• They don’t judge themselves on the negative outcome of a failed marriage, competitive event, or bad interview, for example. They tend to see themselves kindly, regardless of whether these events turn out well or not.

If you are being particularly hard on yourself because you are basing your feelings of self-worth on whether or not you have succeeded at everything you have attempted, try practicing some acceptance, and talking to yourself as you would speak to a beloved child or dear friend. This practice of “loving-kindness” meditation, in which you send love and compassion to yourself and others, can also help free you from feelings of discouragement or inaction.

3. Is Now the Right Time?

In addition to evaluating yourself more kindly, it might be a good idea to consider whether or not you have selected the right time to go after certain goals, and if your readiness for change needs to be reassessed or refocused in order for you to move ahead.

Dozens of studies over several decades have upheld the view that people who change their habits and behaviors go through predictable stages of change and that all of these stages are necessary if you want to initiate and maintain a positive shift—to stop smoking or lose weight, for example. They’ve found that rushing too quickly from one stage to another, or even skipping a stage altogether, will probably lower your chances of goal success.

What are the stages, and how do you know where you are? Take a look at the list below:

Precontemplation

The stage in which you are stuck in one place and not ready to take action is called precontemplation. Typically, other people are aware of whatever it is you might need to change, but you are either unwilling to face it yourself or completely unaware of the issue. If you are in this stage, you might have adopted a goal because you think you “should” do it, or because someone else set the goal for you. If, consequently, you are not feeling successful with your goals, recheck your list to make sure you haven’t put any precontemplation items (also called “controlled” or “extrinsic” goals) on your list. For example, you may be failing at certain goals such as cutting back on work hours or spending more time with your family because you never thought these areas really merited your attention, and they were on your list only to please someone else.

Contemplation

The contemplation stage, in which you are contemplating the “whys” and “hows” of change, sometimes takes a while. It is a very important period, nevertheless, and progress on goal accomplishment can be real, but almost undetectable. Examples of contemplation progress include being more thoughtful about how to save money and being more aware of impulse buying, or watching your peer group go after meaningful jobs while you remain stuck in a job that is making you increasingly unhappy. If you haven’t achieved a goal but have made progress in contemplation, don’t gloss over it. Reward yourself for progress on your contemplation subgoals, because, bear in mind, by completing these steps you will ultimately succeed at accomplishing your goals.

Preparation

In the preparation stage, you are readying the platform for your life list goal accomplishments. Preparation can mean clearing your schedule for a scuba diving class in six months, interviewing prospective life coaches prior to selecting one, or throwing out “fat” clothes prior to joining a gym and starting a weight-loss program. Again, preparation is very significant, and without it, you cannot leap into the next stage, which is where all the glory seems to reside. Reward yourself for preparation, and perhaps push the expected date of actual goal accomplishment back a little bit to accommodate the realities of changed circumstances in your life.

Action

Action is the glamorous part of goal accomplishment, because it is where change and victory occur. When you take action, for example, you are interviewing for and getting the job you want, becoming a regular Meals on Wheels volunteer, and going on meditation retreats, and your positive efforts at change have become comfortable habits. Taking action doesn’t always result in lasting success, though. Researchers have found that it usually takes people around seven attempts to accomplish New Year’s resolutions, and that only 5 percent of these people will get to the next stage of change without experiencing at least one setback. Every bit of forward progress, though, is reason for celebration.

Maintenance

In the maintenance phase, you are instilling in yourself and practicing regular habits of self-control, and overcoming stressful challenges that might cause you to slip backward. Getting to the maintenance stage and staying there is difficult, however, since many self-changers have regular setbacks, each of which must be followed with action in order for you to keep moving forward. In fact, taking proactive steps within one month of a “slip” has been found to double your chances of success in the following six months, as opposed to taking no action following a slip.

Termination

The termination stage describes the moment when you have accomplished a goal and checked it off your list, when there is no apparent likelihood of backsliding. Typically, termination means that goals such as integrating regular exercise into your life, or overcoming an eating disorder are so successful that you can put a big, fat checkmark next to that goal and celebrate like there’s no tomorrow. But don’t forget that the previous phases can and do give you chances to pat yourself on the back and give yourself credit for what you’ve accomplished.

4. Are You Resilient Enough?

After assessing whether or not you have jumped too quickly into goal accomplishment, without going through the preparatory steps to make it stick, it’s important to examine whether or not you are resilient enough to get through the inevitable hassles and stresses that are part of modern life, and which we all have to cope with at one time or another.

Some people appear to have more troubles and disappointments than most of us, but still manage to push through to get what they want. These resilient individuals have been studied in order to discover the traits and qualities they embody and practice so that those of us who crumble more easily can change, grow, and pursue our goals with more purpose and direction.

Psychologists Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatte’s research shows that people who lack resilience typically share the following characteristics—some of which might be contributing to real or perceived roadblocks to your own resilience and achievement of your goals:

Poor stress responses

People who are especially resilient do not fall apart under stress. In fact, they are usually described as “stress-hardy” individuals who actually get more zestful and optimistic when things are looking bleak. Learning better stress responses will help you to stay committed to goals like losing weight and staying away from cigarettes, because emotional stress is the most frequently cited reason for relapsing. Proven stress busters such as exercise, meditation, and journal writing, can help you adjust and refocus your responses to stress and move beyond it to get what you want.

They quit too easily

People who quit their goals are often victims of the infamous what-the-hell rule, typically seen among dieters or smokers who think that a single slip is enough reason to drop their efforts for the rest of the day—or even indefinitely. Persistence is the hallmark of resilient people, who, when they hit an obstacle, look for another way to accomplish the same goal. In fact, studies have found that success increases measurably when you have two or more avenues available to accomplish the same goal, so always have a Plan B if Plan A fails.

They leave out important pieces of goal accomplishment

If you set a big goal but skip the important parts—that is, the help of a socially supportive network, accountability to other people, measurable subgoals, and role models to help you build self-efficacy (more on this here)—then you may have set yourself up for failure.

More on Goal Accomplishment Here: Throw out what you know about 'SMART' Goals... The Most Effective Goals Have These 8 Things in Common

They stay committed to an unworkable goal

If circumstances out of your control change your ability to go after a goal, you need to reengage in life with different and viable goals. For example, swimmer Dave Denniston was aiming to compete in the Olympics. A sledding accident left him injured and unable to walk. After briefly succumbing to depression, he set his sights on swimming again, but as part of the Paralympic Games, which gave him a fresh set of meaningful, challenging goals. Now Denniston spends much of his time educating people about how to overcome the disappointments that arise when life hands you a lemon, and how to find a new set of goals that will reenergize your spirit and your life.

They don’t reach out for help

Resilient people have an amazing ability to find other people who can and will help them accomplish their goals.

They are unhappy

Resilient people are happier and more optimistic than others, so if you need to increase your happiness level, consider gratitude journaling or exercise—a few other ways to boost your happiness can be found here. You can also voluntarily change your own positivity ratio by deliberately ensuring that every negative event of your day is countered by at least three positive ones. Seeing a mental health professional could also be a wise choice, because prolonged sadness is not only a health liability; it will make it harder to accomplish your goals—or even recognize progress when it occurs!

More on Happiness Here: 5 Proven Ways to Pump Up Your Happiness — and Your Grit!

They have poor self-control

Resilient people do not give in to momentary urges to lash out at others, drink themselves into oblivion, or otherwise exhibit poor willpower and an inability to delay gratification. Being able to put off momentary pleasure for long-term gain is possibly the most important driver of goal accomplishment.

More on Self-Control Here: Where There’s Willpower, There’s a Way! How These Simple Self-Control Boosters Can Help You Achieve Your Goals

They don’t see things realistically

People who are resilient are able to separate reality from their emotions, and are more likely to interpret a setback as a momentary blip on the screen. Unresilient people think, however, that a setback occurred because there was something wrong with them.

They don’t celebrate little victories

Resilient people know when to pat themselves on the back, and they don’t punish themselves when they fail. In fact, punishment is rarely used by successful self-changers, according to Prochaska and his colleagues, while rewards are extremely successful. Be sure that you are savoring your small wins and capitalizing on them with the right people, because these small celebrations might play a bigger role in creating resilience than you previously thought.

They don’t look for low-hanging fruit

Resilient people find ways to accomplish smaller goals in valued areas when a big goal eludes them. Remember that quality of life has been shown to improve from the effect of “happiness spillover” when you make progress in another area of your life that matters to you, so be sure to always have at least three to five goals in your crosshairs as opposed to being stubbornly focused on only one.

They don’t see the humor in life

Resilient individuals have a way of using humor to cushion their falls and to reframe sad events in order to get perspective. If you don’t have a funny bone, think about poking a bit of fun at yourself from time to time, and don’t look at everything as a serious, life-or-death endeavor.

Your Best Life is in Your Hands

I firmly believe in the power of the human spirit and the vast possibilities that exist within all of us to do more than we may have ever dreamed of. Too often I find that people settle for lives of mediocrity and reactivity, and instead of being ambitious, they decide that their goals are “too hard,” “too unrealistic,” or “too far away” to be worth an investment of time and energy.

The connection between pursuing challenging goals and being happier is impossible to deny. Happy people are optimistic, believe in their capabilities, and wake up every day with a variety of short-term and long-term goals that engage them and provide meaning, purpose, and pleasure in their lives. Happy people live longer, have more friends, are healthier, persist in their endeavors, and succeed more often in life because of their upbeat outlook on life.

You have all the tools you could ever need to move ahead in life and keep going past every setback or challenge that might occur. Your best life is in your hands, waiting to be shaped, nurtured, and celebrated. Now, go and make it happen.

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This post includes excerpts from Caroline Adams Miller’s book "Creating Your Best Life," which has numerous footnotes supporting the research cited here. To learn more about CYBL, visit: www.creatingyourbestlifelist.com.

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ICYMI:   How to Get More Grit: 10 Traits That Every Authentically Gritty Person Needs

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Photo credits (in order of appearance): Cam Adams, Rod Long, Giulia Bertelli, Estee Janssens, Arek Adeoye, Kris Kerr, Julia Engel, Efe Kurnaz, Richard Bagan, Jackson Hendry on Unsplash.

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