How to Overcome Negative Self-Talk / Negative Thoughts

Unlearning the habit of negative self-talk changed my life. Mastering this skill has made me a much happier, more confident and mentally resilient person.

By honing this skill, I stopped berating myself with criticism, perfectionism and unhelpful chatter, and instead adopted an internal voice that is kind, supportive and empathetic. Unlearning negative self-talk also helped me quit using alcohol as a coping mechanism. In this blog post, I will teach you how to do it, step by step.

Know this: you can change your thoughts. Better yet, you get to pick your thoughts. (How exciting!) I know it may not seem like that right now, but it’s the truth. In order for this technique to work, first you have to believe it’s possible.

Don’t be discouraged when you don’t notice a shift right away. This is not an overnight fix, but rather something you will practice and get better at over time. At first it will feel awkward and challenging, just like the first time riding a bike. Then the skill will get stronger, like building a muscle. Eventually it will be second nature and require no work at all.

Understanding why we naturally skew negative

Humans are born with a natural negativity bias. Have you noticed that the majority of random thoughts that pop into your head are more often negative than positive? There is nothing wrong with you; you are not a cynic nor a pessimist. You’re a human with a human brain!

Up until recent history, survival was the primary goal of humans. Ancient man didn’t have a job or an instagram following to stress about, he was scanning his environment for a saber tooth tiger. This is why we evolved with a strong negativity bias. We are programmed to always be on the lookout for perceived threats in our environment, rather than focusing our attention on the good things. It’s a basic survival mechanism. The problem is, our existence has completely changed, but our brains have not changed all that much.

This is why we have to put in some work and intentionality if we want to develop more positive thinking—including an uplifting inner voice—since it doesn’t come to us naturally.

Phase 1: Observe your thoughts (without judgment!)

The first step in changing any habit or behavior is becoming aware of it. You cannot fix a problem you haven’t acknowledged.

I recommend focusing on this phase by itself for a few days to a week before moving on to phase 2. Developing a skill like this typically works better if you start with baby steps and build gradually.

You don’t have to do anything in this phase except notice and pay attention to your own negative thoughts. You may find it helpful to write them down. I recommend buying a cute festive journal because why not make personal development more fun… ya know.

The practice of paying attention to your own negative thoughts may cause you to want to judge them, or yourself. This is a normal reaction, but try not to do it. No need to add insult to injury. All we want to do is become aware of what our negative thoughts are. And remember, having a negativity bias is a human quality, not an indication that there’s something wrong with you!

I also recommend paying attention to whether the thoughts sound familiar. It’s highly likely that you picked up some (or all) of them from your parents/family of origin, your partner, friends, coworkers, people on tv, or anyone else you spend time with (now or in the past.)

Examples of negative thoughts:

“I look awful today.”

“I feel like a bad mom.”

“I wish I wasn’t so fat.”

“I am never going to be good at this.”

“My job sucks.”

“I would be happier if my boyfriend was more ____.”

“This is the worst.”

“I’m an idiot.”

“This is hard, who am I to ever be successful at this?”

“I should just give up.”

Phase 2: Catch yourself mid-thought, and stop it in its tracks

Now it’s time to take action.

In this phase, continue to mindfully notice your own negative thoughts (still without judging them, please!) Except now you are going to begin practicing stopping the thought mid-way through.

But how? Thoughts typically unravel one word at a time the same way sentences do when spoken out loud. This is how you can catch yourself mid-way through a thought. FYI: Your brain has already formed the complete thought before you hear it in your mind.

If you start to hear yourself say “You idiot, why did you drop that fork”… you can probably catch yourself and stop the thought as early as “You” or “Idiot.”

At first you may not be able to stop the thought until the end of it, but remember… this is a skill to practice and get stronger at over time. If you can’t stop the thought early on at first, just keep practicing.

Spend a week or two practicing catching yourself as soon as you begin to think something negative, and stop the thought before it’s complete. It’s inevitable some unhelpful thoughts will still slip through before you have a chance to stop them. That’s okay, just keep practicing.

Phase 3: Pick a more helpful thought

This is the final phase, how exciting!

By now you have (hopefully) become a master at observing your own thoughts, and stopping them before they are complete. You are ready to hone the final phase of this transformational skill, and I’m so proud of you!

When a negative thought starts to occur, first execute the technique from phases 1 and 2. Notice the thought, and stop the thought ASAP.

Now as quickly as possible, replace the original negative thought with a more positive and helpful one, in your mind. You will have to come up with the new thought quickly, but don’t overthink it.

You could just reverse whatever the original thought was, but I find it more helpful to pick something gentle and believable. (For example, if the thought was “i am fat” and you try to change it to “i am skinny,” that probably won’t work.)

You can even say the new thought out loud if you’re alone, to further solidify it.

For example…

“I look awful today.” is replaced with → “I look a bit tired, but that’s okay. I am still beautiful.”

“I feel like a bad mom.” is replaced with → “Being a mom is really hard, and I am doing my very best.”

“I wish I wasn’t so fat.” is replaced with → “I am grateful for my body. My weight does not dictate my worth. I am beautiful inside and out.”

“I am never going to be good at this.” is replaced with → “This is hard right now because I am new at it. Nobody is good at something the first time they do it. I will get better at this with time and practice.”

“My job sucks.” is replaced with → “This may not be my dream job, but I am grateful for the consistent income and I enjoy my friends at the office.”

“I would be happier if my boyfriend was more supportive.” is replaced with → “I am responsible for my own happiness. My boyfriend is on his own journey. Our relationship doesn’t have to be perfect to be good and worthwhile.”

“This is the worst.” is replaced with → “I can do hard things. The discomfort I am experiencing right now is temporary.”

“I’m an idiot.” is replaced with → “I am smart and capable. I love myself even when I don’t get things perfect.”

“This is hard, who am I to ever be successful at this?” is replaced with → “I am doing something that’s new for me, and I am proud of myself for learning new things.”

“I should just give up.” is replaced with → “I will never give up on myself. I am proud of myself. I love and accept myself exactly as I am today.”

Don’t you feel better already just reading those? I do!

Here’s the thing: You don’t have to fully believe the new thought! Your subconscious cannot tell the difference. This is how positive affirmations work, even when you don’t believe them (yet.) Over time, your mind will adopt whatever messages you send it on the regular. Our brains are incredible!

Remember, this is a developed skill and you will get better at it with time but only if you keep working on it.

I am not kidding when I say my mind used to be a scary place, in the sense that it was a constant stream of self-criticism. No wonder I drank so much! :(

I can proudly say that I am now a master at this. So much in fact, that I don’t even have negative thoughts about myself anymore. Of course I still have negative thoughts about situations and other people, but thoughts like “I’m ugly” or “I’m an idiot” don’t even come knocking at my door anymore. They know how fast they’ll get kicked to the curb so they don’t even try.

How incredible is that? You will get there too. :) I believe in you and I am rooting for you always,

Coach Gretchen xx

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