How to overcome fear of failure

This newsletter is about how to overcome fear of failure.

But before I tell you how to do it – and what fear I’m overcoming – I need to share something:

Two weeks ago, my husband Avi and I were in Mexico City for Art Week.

We LOOOOVE Mexico City – this was our 4th time there in 4 years.

But this was our first time attending Art Week, when this already art-filled city becomes home to more than 90 art exhibitions.

WOW. That’s all I can say: WOW.

At one point I felt like I could not take in more great art, like my eyes and my being were literally over-saturated with what we had seen.

Maybe the only thing that blew me away more than the art were the hundreds of incredibly fashionable people we saw.

Every time I go to Mexico City I am so inspired by its eclectic style and have to control my shopping desires (to a point – when I say control, I just want you to know that I don’t mean 100% control, that would be unkind )

But Art Week clearly brings out the most inspiring, fresh, unexpected fashion!

At one of the exhibits, I unabashedly chased down a woman wearing the most bold pair of pants I’ve ever seen so I could snap a photo. After I posted it on Instagram, a few people reached to say that she is apparently a somewhat famous Mexican actress!

Maybe I’ll add paparazzi to my bio.

One of the exhibit pavilions was dedicated to independent artists.

After we walked around it for a few minutes, Avi said to me:

“Your art could be here. You could totally be here.”

He said it in this nonchalant duh-this-is-obvious tone, as if he was suggesting that we should go get a coffee.

Like: “Let’s go get a coffee. Your art could be here. Do you want some water, too?”

My initial reaction was to nod: “Yep, I could be,” I said.

And then I got distracted by seeing an artwork I liked and forgot about this idea all together.

Until a bit later, when I was chatting with an artist we’d just met.

I saw her work from far away and it immediately caught my eye, so we came over to her booth. It was really hard to pick, but Avi and I chose one of her beautiful paintings to bring home.

I LOVE to get to know the person behind the creation, so as we were buying the painting, I was chatting with the artist

“She’s also an artist,” Avi told her.

“I am… but not like, for my job…” I clarified. (Isn’t it amazing how we find ways to undercut ourselves? As soon as I said that I hated it, but it came out anyway.)

“If you’re an artist, you’re an artist, no matter how you do it!” the woman said, and we were friends in an instant.

She asked me to show her some of my art and as she scrolled through the photos on my phone, she said:

“You should have a booth here next year! I can help you! It would be so much fun!”

She said this in the same tone as Avi had said it before – like it was the most natural thing in the world.

We exchanged numbers, agreed to connect, and then Avi and I went on to see more artists.

And while we were there, I was getting pretty excited about the idea that I would exhibit my art at Art Week in Mexico City next year.

But excitement quickly turned into FEAR as my ego reminded me just how scary it would be!

I’ve never done that before.

I would have to create so much new art.

What if no one comes to my booth?

What if no one buys it?

What if I stand there alone and get totally embarrassed?

What if this new artist friend was just being nice and she actually didn’t like my art?

What if I spend a year putting in all this effort and it fails miserably?

I’m not a professional artist.

What do I know about exhibiting at an art show?

They probably won’t even let me in there.

I don’t have an artist statement, they want your artist statement.

This is a terrible idea.

It’s a pipe dream, I’m not being realistic.

I should be more realistic. ……

I’m going to cut this off here because you get the idea.

You get the idea because you’ve felt that FEAR before:

The fear of failure. Of being judged. Of being rejected.

The fear of being seen for who you truly are and of not being seen, of not mattering.

Most of the fears we experience are those fears.

And it’s those fears that block us from doing the things we want to do.

The things we feel called to do.

So, what do we do about the fear? How do we go through it or past it?

No offense to Nike, but “Just do it” has never worked for me.

If there was a pack of wolves running at you, and someone said “just do it”, would you run towards them? No, you would not. I hope you would not.

Well, to my brain, the idea of exhibiting my art in Mexico City feels like the same kind of danger as a pack of wolves running at me.

The human brain can’t distinguish between physical danger or emotional danger. It’s all DANGER.

And when the brain sees possible danger, it responds with FEAR.

Fear is the natural response. (AKA there is nothing wrong with you or me when we feel fear. It’s human. It’s the brain doing its thing, seeing possible danger, and creating the fight-or-flight response to make sure we survive.)

But here is what does work when you feel fear of doing something new, challenging, or uncertain:

Change the goal to reduce perceived danger so the brain feels less fear.

If my goal for the art show is to have tons of people come to my booth and buy my art – and tell me how much they love it and how great it is and how great I am…– my brain will fear failing at this ambitious goal.

But if my goal is to have fun doing Mexico City Art Week as an artist for the first time and to challenge myself by creating some new art pieces for it this year, then the stakes are lower.

Is it realistic to expect that it will be fun? Yep.

Is it fun to challenge myself to create new art? Yep.

If I frame the goal in this way, I don’t feel much fear at all, to be honest.

Instead of being this GIANT NEW SCARY THING THAT I MUST NOT FAIL AT, my art show becomes a fun way to challenge myself and do something new in a city I love.

(I feel more relaxed just writing this to you right now!)

So here’s the prescription for reducing fear of failure:

Reframe what success looks like.

Instead of some externally-measurable goal, focus on process-goals that are within your control.

Let’s say you’re afraid of public speaking (it’s the #1 fear adults have.)

If your goal is to deliver a perfect speech that gets everyone on their feet in a standing ovation, you will feel lots of fear.

But if your goal is to challenge yourself to create a speech you’re excited about and to have the most fun delivering it, you will feel a lot less fear.

Because you’re focusing on goals that are within your control and don’t depend on unpredictable reactions of other people.

(I’ve been speaking publicly for years and believe me, I still get surprised by how the audience reacts. The times I get a standing ovation are often those when I’m not sure if I’ve nailed it!)

Less focus on the outcome + More focus on challenging yourself and finding joy in the process = Less fear of failure.

I hope you’ll put this into practice as you say yes to more things that call to you!!!

P.S. I have a bunch more practices to help you overcome fear in THE AWESOME HUMAN JOURNAL. If you don’t have a copy yet, it’s really good, I promise. And I illustrated the whole thing myself!

P.P.S. Yes, I am seriously considering doing the art show in Mexico City next year. I'll share my journey as I go, I promise! I'm turning 50 so it feels timely to do something new and bold -- and meeting that artist who said I should do it is what I like to call a wink from the universe!