How to overcome that awful feeling that you don’t belong

Welcome to Quick Confidence! This weekly letter delivers a spritz of stories, tips and simple actions that will build your confidence and your power. Each quick tip bolsters confidence in your body, mind, and relationships so you can lead yourself and others to greatness. 

Have you ever been invited somewhere, but still felt like you didn’t actually….belong?

I remember being invited to a business event for top women leaders. What a confidence boost! I felt incredibly honored to be invited and to attend. 

BUT once I got there, something weird happened. It felt impossible to strike up conversation with other people. I kept introducing myself to people and asking about them, but they all seemed to know each other already. They kind of turned inward, and turned away. There I was hovering on the edge of these closed conversations. Ouch!

Have you had a similar experience? 

Sometimes our confidence takes a blow because we don't get the affirmation we crave from other people. We might feel ignored. Invisible. Not good enough.

It's not a question of if that'll happen — for most of us it's a question of when. 

So how can you create your own conditions for belonging? When your company, networking group, or team don't do it for you, how can you do it for yourself?

Quick Confidence Tips to create your own belonging:

1. Embodied: Celebrate what your momma gave ya. “Big up” (yourself) and claim space. Expand the movement and gestures of your arms to a 2-foot-by-2-foot box in front of your chest. Studies have found that people who communicate through active gesturing like this are seen as warmer and more energetic than those who stay still. While you're at it, make sure that you're prominent in virtual settings too. When you're on a Zoom call, you want your face and upper body to take up about 70% of your frame. You can also signal confidence with a straight-ahead camera angle. That's much better than having your camera angled down on you - or looking up at the camera.
2. Interpersonal: Stop trying so hard. You are hereby granted the authority not to *force it* with people who dismiss you or don't welcome you. Give yourself permission to cut your losses. You can act on this by excusing yourself or limiting your time with an unfriendly group. Or if the trend is pervasive in your workplace, consider making a move to a different company/culture. We all want to belong but trying to "origami" ourselves to fit in — or force-fitting it — is never the answer. Redirect your time and energy to people and groups who appreciate you. You deserve to feel happy, included, and valued.
3. Mindset: Monitor what channel you're tuned into. While most of us think of confidence as something that manifests outwardly, it really starts with what we’re saying inside. I used to engage in chronic, defeating self-trash-talk. And you know what I realized? It didn't help me achieve a single thing. The way I found a better channel — more of a supportive inner coach voice — was through short soundbites, or mantras, that I repeated over time. The great thing about mantras is that they can become our new default programming. And research? It suggests that affirmations can help you to perform even better at work! My favorite, most life-changing mantra I always share is “I belong here.” When we feel we truly belong in the room and at the meeting table, we let ourselves have a voice. Without this foundation we might feel like an imposter, undercutting our words or back-stepping what we just said. So, repeat to yourself with pride and even more emphasis if you need to, “I 400% belong here.”

How do you create your own conditions for belonging? Let me know in the comments! I'd love to hear your tips.

Confidence is not a talent — it’s a skill. If you want to keep honing your confidence skills today, take my LinkedIn Learning course. You’ll learn practical ways to build confidence so you can quiet doubtful inner voices and Make. Your. Presence. Felt! Click here to get the course.