How our Stories Make us Take our Relationships for Granted
Shiva Roofeh
Facilitator, Trainer, Learning Design Specialist | Leadership & Cultural Intelligence | TEDx Speaker | Pirate
TW: This article includes mentions of abuse.
Ah, January.?
The start of the year always feels like a brand new opportunity for something big, right?
It’s filled with potential, hope, and motivation.?
It’s all about taking control of life - “sh*t’s in my hands now” - and directing it where you want it to go.
And with this new opportunity to “redesign” the life we lead, there’s also the lingering feeling that we have a whole new year - 365 shiny, new, exciting days - to do better and be better for the people around us, too.
But, here’s the thing: to do that, we have to be willing to stop, analyze, and declutter.
We have to be willing to stop, analyze, and declutter.
Decluttering our Communication from the Past
Much like the end-of-the-year clean-up that we give our own homes - where the old sweaters, stained jeans, and Tupperware with missing lids are thrown away (or donated) - we need to be prepared to do the same with how we act and communicate within our own relationships.
Because, believe it or not, all of our communications - and therefore, all of our relationships - are inherently cluttered.
Cluttered how?
By past moments we’ve shared with others, by pre-conceptions we have of the people we know, and by the stories, we tell ourselves based on our own experiences as human beings.
Suddenly, all of these little things snowball to the point where it’s almost impossible to separate the person we have in front of us from the idea of the person we’ve created in our mind…
…And this is where the assumptions, the incomplete conclusions, the “reading between the lines”, and the misunderstandings come in.
(Let’s call it the garbage pile, to stay in line with the cluttered-house analogy.)?
Effectively, this clutter forces us to see and listen to this person through a fuzzy lens that’s basically got us stuck in the past.?
A lens that leads us to believe - keyword here: BELIEVE - that we know the person and we know them well.?
Which, in turn, leads us to reject any reality in which they might have - as humans usually do - grown, evolved, and changed while we weren’t there to see them
This is funny, considering that this is the month most of us go around hoping, thinking, and shouting “New year, new me”. We think of what we want to experience this year, what our goals are, where we want our careers and lives to go. Notice... All those things require change and assume that we can change.?
Shouldn’t we also give others around us the same level of respect to believe that they, too, can change?
The 3 Pillars of Relationships (according to Shiva)
Something breaks and gets lost in translation when we see ourselves capable of change, but refuse to accept that others can do it, too.?
And this refusal leads to even more damage within the relationship itself: it’s a vicious cycle.
Especially when you consider, as I do, that relationships are built upon three pillars:
When one of these pillars breaks, the relationship begins to tilt until it falls over completely.?
Poof. Gone. Shattered.
But, in order to avoid that, both parties must work together in order to maintain the fragile stability.
Putting limitations on a relationship - like thinking we know someone because we’ve met them and interacted with them - and refusing to acknowledge that the natural course of a person’s life can (and DOES) include change, is one of the many ways that one of these pillars can begin to chisel away.
But this doesn’t have to happen if you’re willing to take action.
I’d love to show you just how great your 2022 can be when you declutter your relationships and decide to stop sucking the life out of them with all the bullshit that gets in the way.
Join me on Thursday, January 27th, for my upcoming workshop, The Mindfuck , and let’s work together to learn how to build happier, healthier relationships with the people you care about most.
Because, no matter how close you might feel to someone - if this is a relationship you want in your life - you need to be more aware of the relationship itself and give folx the opportunity to show up differently - preconceptions and past interactions aside - and not take them for granted.
This isn’t an open invitation for anyone and everyone to come waltzing through, though.
Not all relationships are designed for or deserving of this decluttering.
Toxic or abusive relationships - whether familial or romantic - don’t fit into the idea that we should come into the situation and be willing to give the other person the benefit of the doubt.
Some people are, simply, assholes.?
Some people are, simply, incapable of change and their actions in the past have repeatedly shown us this.
And while it takes strength to walk away from a relationship we once held dear (but no longer serves us), it’s important to realize that, at the end of it all, we’ll be safeguarding our energy to better spend it nurturing and working on relationships that do matter.
You have questions, but are YOU ready to hear the answers?
If you know me, or if you’re getting to know me, you might have noticed that I am a Curious Rebel - which really means, I like to ask questions.
And not just any kind of questions, I like to ask the mindfucking questions that some folx have called:
Over the past 15+ years working in Cultural Intelligence, I know I am really fucking good at asking questions that get people to PAUSE and think… “Well, fuck!”
And I love that I have the power to do that.
I’ve shared some questions for decluttering previously, tying in truth-telling, stories, and sheer curiosity, but many times I’ve forgotten to share that these questions, if not approached WITH cultural intelligence tools, can cause a bit of friction in an already cluttered conversation or relationship.
An example of this is decluttering communication with my parents.
When I got really fucking good at asking questions, my impatience and curiosity got the best of me. I wanted to immediately declutter my communication, get vulnerable, and dive directly into a more quality relationship with my mom and dad. What I assumed, however, was that THEY were ready to approach these questions and answer them with the same excitement I had.
I was wrong.
My curiosity completely bypassed their lived experiences, emotional triggers, and very real trauma they endured as refugee and immigrant parents, raising children in a third country and culture. The story in my head was that I wanted to know my parents more, as people, not just as parents so, OF COURSE, they must be excited for me to ask about their life before me.
This is a story I had about myself, and a story that I told myself about my parents - it cluttered our communication because instead of approaching the questions with pausing, reflection, and with a clear mind - I came bursting in assuming this would be a beautiful moment to connect with them. Keyword I used here is connect, not create a moment with them. We need to connect with people first to be able to create with them.
THIS is where cultural intelligence tools come into play with decluttered communication. Knowing what questions to ask is one part of this, but next is knowing…
So I have to ask…
Would you be ready to hear and receive the answers to your questions from a place of REFLECTION, instead of REACTION?
If you’re unsure and curious how to apply Cultural Intelligence tools to declutter your communication to create better relationships this year, join me on Thursday, January 27th, for my upcoming workshop, The Mindfuck .
In this 2-hour workshop, you’ll receive not only the questions you can start asking (and tools to figure out what to ask), but you’ll also receive the tools to know WHEN to ask and HOW to handle the answers afterward - that can help you declutter your communication.
>> REGISTER for The Mindfuck here and to better, decluttered relationships and communication in 2022!