How Will Our Lives Be Affected by a Future with Less Contact?

The following is adapted from my book Secret Pandemic.

There is no doubt we are living in a more "remote" world compared to pre-pandemic. For those deeply lonely, even the brush of an arm on the subway is a soothing act. With our siloed way of living not set to slow down any time soon, what's the cost of a lack of touch to our nervous system and our well-being as a species?

The Science behind Less Touch

I interviewed James Coan , the director of the Virginia Affective Neuroscience Laboratory at the University of Virginia to find out what the effects of a future with less touch might be. He says that touch is so powerful because it communicates to our brains that we have more resources beyond ourselves, reminding us of the human tribe we are part of and the safety that comes with being in numbers:

The first thing that not having touch is going to do to you is make you more anxious because one of the purposes of touch is to tell your brain that it has less work to do when it comes to being vigilant for potential threats. It’s not just any touch but if it’s your partner who’s touching you and you have a trusting, high-quality relationship, then your brain is going, “Okay, it’s not just my two eyes here that are watching the world. It’s also my partners’.”?

We need touch to make us feel safer. So, in a world where we are deprived of touch, we will experience less calm. It isn’t normal to us. A lack of touch makes us less calm.

The Secret Pandemic

What are some of the other costs, besides missing human touch? The costs of what I have termed the “secret pandemic” of loneliness. Anxiety and depression are certainly part of it. We are going to see a global mental health crisis over the next few years as the ripples of the effects of social distancing reach outwards. I lost one of my dearest friends to suicide during the height of the first wave and similar losses have been seen over and over again since COVID-19 began.

This could be because loneliness creates a cycle, leading to more isolation. Here’s how Dr. Coan explains what’s happening in our lonely brains: “What happens when you’re lonely is that you become starved. It’s like being malnourished. You are constantly running in a kind of deficit with that bioenergetic resource. And so, your brain starts looking for ways to not spend any energy. So, you sleep all day, you avoid anything that seems like it might cause you another stress response, and that avoidance becomes a cycle and you become isolated.”

When we’re lonely, the stakes become higher and what we do is we paradoxically hold people to higher standards, even though we need people desperately. We require more evidence that they’re really going to be there for us. And that keeps us trapped in a cycle of loneliness because we hold people very often to a higher standard than is reasonable.

Social Awkwardness

Prior to COVID-19, you may have worked in a shiny office tower in a multistory building with different workplaces. Often when you’d go to work, you would bump into people getting coffee who weren’t from your workplace, you’d talk about your children or the project you’re working on, or how stressed you may be feeling.?

You wouldn’t just laugh and share mutual experiences; you’d also learn about how somebody else did business. You’d often think in these moments how these microconnections, small incidental conversations, made you feel better. They were also valuable in sparking creativity and problem-solving.

But that all seems like ancient history now.

Instead, social isolation has caused widespread social awkwardness. What Dr. Coan describes is really the beginnings of the outbursts and misreading of social cues; the social awkwardness then repels connection. Your social skills, like muscles in your body, atrophy when not being used.?

A New York Times article with the teaser “We’re All Socially Awkward Now” described these symptoms as oversharing on office video calls because you’re so thirsty for connection, wanting so badly to be around people. Once around them, however, you want to retreat, you feel overwhelmed, and this overwhelming sensation often also leads to a misreading of social cues.?

How to Cope with the Social Recession

COVID-19 and its social distancing means our social skills will atrophy, but like a muscle, we can flex them and get them back. In order to cope with the “social recession,” as Dr. Coan terms it, you will need to be proactive.?

Talk about deeper things among your existing friends and family. In the near future, where we will be circulating among our existing connections, we have to connect more authentically to get the connection we need.

Make new connections where it’s possible. We get dopamine, the reward hormone, every time we do something pleasurable like making new connections. They could be your barista; they could be a new neighbor who has moved in next door. Acknowledge them, and give them eye contact.?

Touch your loved ones more. Social distancing threatens to deprive us of our necessary dose of oxytocin, the social bonding hormone. So, within your homes, hug your children more, hold your partner’s hand, make a concerted effort to do more of it. Make it a challenge to embrace your family this week.

Even with fewer opportunities for human contact, the future is still full of opportunities for human connection.?

For more advice on human contact, you can find Secret Pandemic on Amazon.

Simone Heng is a human connection specialist and former international broadcaster for, among others, Virgin Radio Dubai, HBO Asia, and CNBC. With over fifteen years of experience as a communicator on air, on stage, and one on one in different countries, connection has always been her life’s work.

As a speaker, Simone inspires people to connect in a world thirsty for connection. She has spoken to thousands, and often for Fortune 500 organizations. Her clients include Google, ByteDance, Salesforce, SAP, Meta, the United Nations, and many more. Simone and her work have been featured on CNN and in Forbes, SCMP, TEDx, Vogue, Elle, and Harper’s Bazaar, among others.

Simone is based and was born in Singapore but has also studied in Switzerland, was raised in Australia, and worked in the United Arab Emirates. She has a communications and cultural studies degree from Curtin University of Technology.?