How Others Feel

Feelings. They are part of our workplace experience, if they weren’t we wouldn’t be human. Yet feelings do complicate interactions. We often get so caught up in our own inner experiences that we forget others are equally engtangled in their own. Last month, we explored the emotional skills that contribute to kindness—our awareness, understanding, and our inner and outer responses to our feelings. There is another side to this model, that we didn’t have space to explore. That is others’ awareness, understanding, and responses to their feelings. The relational space between two people is shaped by the dynamic interaction between these two processes.

Leading with radical kindness in our workplaces requires us to develop acceptance and curiosity about others' inner experiences.

Imagine you and your colleague as windmills facing each other. While you can’t see the wind, it makes the blades of the windmills turn. Each windmill moves the air, affecting how the other's blades turn. When you say something to a team member, they have an internal response (which you can’t see) that influences how they react to what you’ve said. We often respond to the visible reaction (the turning blades) rather than the inner feelings (the wind) driving it. As kind leaders, part of our skill is putting aside our initial reaction, and our colleagues expressed reaction so that we can approach their inner experience with acceptance and curiosity.

A common example is when giving feedback. Imagine you tell a staff member that their emails could be clearer. They respond in a grumpy tone, asking what’s wrong with their emails and who complained about me? Our emotional response might be to defend our position, perhaps with evidence. However, if we can take a breath, pause and consider their inner experience, we might say, "It sounds like this feedback is difficult to hear and has brought up some negative thoughts and feelings." This shift in tone creates space for their unshared inner experience and validates their reaction, which can, in turn, minimize our own defensive response and contribute to a kinder interaction. In my work with kind leaders I often observe that people have two tendencies, either they just respond to what is expressed on their surface, or they get caught in their own stories about what the other person is thinking. A clue that we have fallen into our own stories is that it is more commonly focussed on ourselves, it may be things like, our team member no longer likes us, they think we are a useless boss, or we did a poor job of explaining ourselves. We can’t guess what others are experiening internally - we can only approach them with a deep sense of curiosity and willingness to hear all of them. By asking them what is going on for them in response to what we have said we allow them to develop a greater awareness and understanding of their feelings and how they may be behind how they react to particular interactions.

Stay Kind,

Christina

I am Christina Baird and I am creating a movement of kindness that transforms workplaces so that people can show up as themselves and delight in their work.? I provide:

??Leadership Development Coaching for Leaders in Health and Social services, who long to be strong advocates for changing stuck or dysfunctional systems.?

??In person workshops for teams that want to create a culture of kindness.

?? Well-being support for those who struggle with workplace stress and burnout.

?? A free coffee and kindness button to those who want to meet up and have a yarn about transforming the world through kindness.

If you want to join a growing group of people centering their work around radical kindness join me for my monthly discussion and learning group The Kind Leaders Lounge .