How Other People Treat You Is How You Unconsciously Treat Yourself

Are You Carrying Unresolved Emotional Baggage?

“How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.” — Wayne Dyer

The relationship we have with ourselves is the most important one we will ever foster. I don’t mean to underscore other relationships, yet it all starts and ends with us. Everyone wants to be liked and accepted. It is human nature to fit in and integrate. However, if we act unconsciously, without being mindful of our intentions, we are acting out unconscious scripts. Moreover, if we haven’t reconciled these thoughts, they are likely to dictate our life. Expressed differently: if we set a software program to run at a particular time of day, it will continue to do so until we override the function.

If we are not receiving the love and respect we deserve, we ought to look inwards and heal those thoughts that are not in alignment with the relationships we want to attract. When we find peace within ourselves, outside circumstances will reflect what is taking place inside of us. For instance, have you met people consumed by their victimhood who believe their relationship problems stem from being mistreated? One needs only tune in to reality TV and within minutes, you’ll overhear conversations about people being undermined.

To draw a simple analogy, consider a sharp stone lodged in your shoe as you walk around, consumed by the pain. No matter who you meet, your focus is drawn to the pain, not your interactions with them. By removing the stone, you come to realise it was blemishing your interactions with other people. The pain affects your relationship with them because it makes it difficult to be fully present and engaged. This is what many people do. They are unaware of carrying unresolved emotional baggage and use it as a shield to defend themselves. Yet, the shield does little to protect them but discolours their interaction with others.

I often repeat this message in seminars and when coaching clients. I don’t take credit for it and believe it was the late Dr Wayne Dyer who first coined the phrase: “We are constantly coaching other people how to treat us.” In other words, if we allow others to treat us unfairly, it signifies on an unconscious level we are unworthy. Whilst we know it is unacceptable, we feel vindictive because we didn’t stand up for ourselves and blame the other person for treating us wrongly. However, a person with a strong self-worth recognises the behaviour is unjust and respectfully disallows it. Being assertive does not involve being mean spirited, it means valuing our self-worth and upholding our position. The key is to recognise deceitful behaviour and not allow others to treat us poorly. This happens when we place a high value on our self-worth.

Develop A Wholesome Relationship With Ourselves

“You set the standards for how you will be treated. People will treat you the exact way you treat yourself. So be good to you. Take time for yourself. Rest. Play. Shower yourself with affection, support, and gifts.” — Iyanla Vanzant

As an example, nowadays, I appreciate the congruence between a person’s word and their actions. I assess people by their deeds and give them the benefit of the doubt on more than one occasion. However, if they undermine my faith in them, I’m likely to walk away from the relationship, irrespective of whether I aim to profit from it, financially or otherwise. I hold no hostile relationships with people because I make it my intention to treat others as I would treat myself. And because I treat myself in high esteem, I foster this behaviour in all my relationships.

You see, it comes down to values. We must be purposeful about what we value in our life. I’m not talking about a career, relationships or life purpose, but the values we live by. For instance, what code of conduct do you abide by? Is it loyalty, trust, respect or moral character? What we uphold as our values is whom we become and who we become is reflected in our destiny. Therefore, we are continually writing the script of our future via our thoughts and actions. If we would like others to treat us better, we must examine any unresolved conflicts within ourselves and heal them.

This is why self-enquiry and journaling are powerful methods to heal unresolved conflicts, so is working with a trained therapist. To make peace and transform our unconscious thoughts means to develop a wholesome relationship with ourselves. Our interactions and relationships become more relatable instead of hostile and we are no longer at war with ourself. Release and renew is a mantra I often emphasise in my articles. So, if we wish to change the foundations of our relationships, we ought to let go of the outdated beliefs and create the ideal conditions for the life we wish to merge into. After all, people will treat us according to the way we unconsciously treat ourself. It is by making the unconscious conscious that we develop healthy relationships that originate from our authentic self.

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