How To Be Okay When Things Aren't Okay

Y’all, we are having us A TIME.

There is a lot going on, globally, nationally and probably right there in your own house, too. I have found myself contemplating which of my decades might have been the best to be the age I currently am, and I have landed on the eighties: no internet, no email, largely unaware of climate change and oblivious to many terrible things that hadn’t even been dreamed up yet.

I have had a very challenging year and the challenges just keep on coming. Some of these challenges people know about and others I’ve kept more private. We’re well past the “bad things come in threes” adage at this point, though people keep helpfully and hopefully quipping it to me.

I’m not going to lie: it has been hard. Hard to stay optimistic and hard to keep my heart open. It’s hard, when things go wrong, to be kind to myself and kind to others, who are trying to support me.

Part of why it’s so hard is because the support I really want is for these challenges and obstacles and things I don’t like to Just. Go. Away. But the things that I am finding challenging right now are not things that will just go away, no matter how much I wish they would: they are things I must learn to live with.

And that right there is the tricky part: no matter how much I stress and upset and frustrate myself and exclaim loudly that This Is Wrong and I Don't Like It, these things will not just change because I want them to. They are not even things that will change if I try to change them, and that is a mighty hard pill to swallow for someone whose modus operandi has always been to push harder when the going gets tough.

The ones who love me try their best to support me, but I know that I don’t make it easy. Not because I don’t want to receive their support, but because I struggle to let go of what I want to be the case, even when it isn’t. I get so stuck on what should be and what shouldn’t be, that I refuse to accept what actually is, which is all anyone else can really support me with.

Added to that, if you're a person whose tendency is to go it alone, not ask for help, and try not to be a burden (e.g. me), then you don't even know how to answer the question, "How can I help?"

It's hard because when things are tough, and I'm worn down, worn out, anxious and stressed, I'm not my best self, which means I'm not always gracious in those moments. I'm frustrated with my circumstance, and embarrassed that I need help and don't know what it would look like or how to ask for it.

So, in case you’re having a year like mine, or even just a season, week or day, here’s what I would suggest practicing, because it’s what I’ve been practicing and will apparently continue to be practicing for a while yet.

Breathe.?On purpose, deeply and slowly. Deep, slow breaths tell our nervous system that we are okay.

Go outside.?Be in nature, especially near trees and water. Bonus points for deep breaths in nature.

Drink (more) water.

Eat good food.

Move your body.?If you tend towards strenuous exercise, add in some low-impact activities. Make sure to stretch.?

Make things with your hands: music, art, bread, etc.?Actually making things is a healing balm in times when things feel out of our control.

Tidy an area in your home.?You can’t fix the whole world at once, but you can clear up clutter in one room at a time.

Notice downward spiralling thoughts or catastrophic thinking.?Try not to get ahead of yourself. Remind yourself that, as Hagrid says, “What’s comin’ will come, and we’ll meet it when it does.”

Look for glimmers of joy.?I promise they’re still there. While I’m referencing Harry Potter (surprise, surprise), remember that Dumbledore told us that “Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light.”

Find things to be grateful for in this right-here, right-now moment.?It’s okay if all you’ve got is: I’m grateful for that one delicious cup of coffee. Don’t force yourself to be grateful for, say, the outcome of an election. Go for the low-hanging fruit you don’t need to convince yourself about.

Come to think of it, go for the low-hanging fruit everywhere.?There is a season for striving and this is not it. Ease off on your normal gotta get-up-and-go-go-go. When things are hard, we need rest and recovery whenever we can take them. Pushing yourself physically, mentally and spiritually is probably an old pattern. Let as many things be easy as they can be right now.

Say no.?You’re allowed. People will still love you, and if they don’t, they’re not your people.

Ask for hugs.

Practice grace EVERYWHERE.?With everyone around you (remember: when you have a short fuse, everyone will look like a lit match), and most importantly, with yourself. Berating yourself isn’t going to make you feel better. Trust me; I’ve tested this empirically and it doesn’t work.

Be kind.?It’s so hard to remember this when we’re feeling threatened or stressed, but it’s always an available option and it will leave you feeling better about yourself, others and the world.

Even if this is a hard time to be a human, it helps me to remember my soul signed up for this right-here, right-now moment in time, with you. And in this moment, right now, I am okay, even if I am in a challenging chapter of my story.

What would you add to the list above?