How to Be Okay With Everything

Including Yourself and What Bothers You?Most

I have a confession to make. In 1983, shortly after graduating from college, I borrowed one of my favorite books from the library. Like most self-help books, I found immediate value and began applying the lessons learned.?

But by the time I finished the book, which was several weeks, life had happened, and I found myself moving from the East to the West Coast for my first "real job" after graduating college the same year.?

Unfortunately, I forgot to return the book and ended up keeping it. Any decent recovering altar boy like me would feel guilty as hell for stealing a great book from the local library.?

Stealing a book bothered me. I keep bothering myself with, "How lame! You stole a psychology book from the library. Great job for a common criminal."?

I had the answer to my dilemma in my hands. The good news is that Thomas Harris's "I'm Okay, You're Okay" shows us how to be okay with everything, including ourselves. It's been one of the most helpful books I've ever stolen—the only one.

Meet Thomas?Harris

Harris, born in 1940 in Jackson, Tennessee, is a distinguished American author renowned for his suspense novels, particularly those featuring the iconic character Hannibal Lecter.

He moved to Rich, Mississippi, with his family during his early years. He pursued his higher education at Baylor University in Texas, where he majored in English and graduated in 1964. Before becoming a full-time writer, Harris worked as a reporter and editor in the United States and Mexico.?

His work, especially "The Silence of the Lambs," has left an indelible mark on the thriller genre, making him a pivotal figure in contemporary American literature. Harris is celebrated for creating complex, chilling narratives and memorable characters that have transcended books to become cultural icons.

I'm Okay, You're Okay?Overview

I'm Okay, You're Okay is a book about Transactional Analysis (TA). It explores the dynamics of human relationships and self-perception. One of the main ideas is that the internal conversations and transactions between different parts of our personality significantly influence our life outcomes.

Do you know the voices in your head? We all have them. The question is, who are these voices, and what roles do they play in our lives??

Harris' model teaches us that we harbor three distinct ego states: Parent, Adult, and Child. Each plays a crucial role in communicating, perceiving the world, and relating to others.

In other words, TA is about transforming our relationship with our perceptions and perspectives. You can learn more about the distinctions between the two by reading another article about the power of perspective.

Three Parts of?Us

The Parent, Adult, and Child (PAC) are the three parts of us that we must train to get along. When we train our minds, we change how we see ourselves and the world. The mainstream media or government constantly programs the mind. It could be us. When we take control of our intellect and understand how the mind works, we can improve ourselves.

Harris argues that understanding and analyzing these transactions can lead to more productive and positive interactions with oneself and others. Here's a quick summary for each part of us:

1. The "Parent" reflects the voice of authority, ingrained from external influences and observations during childhood. It encompasses the attitudes, behaviors, and verbal cues absorbed from parental figures and adults. This part of us often dictates our moral compass, societal norms, and the 'shoulds' and 'oughts' of life.
2. The "Adult" represents our ability to think, evaluate, and act based on current reality rather than past experiences. This state is rational and objective and deals with the here and now. It's the part that processes information, makes decisions, and functions as the mediator between the Parent and Child.
3. The "Child" encompasses our capacity to express natural emotions and impulses. It holds our creativity, spontaneity, and the feelings associated with early childhood experiences. The Child within can be joyful and intuitive but also recalls the fears and vulnerabilities of being small and dependent.

Recognizing which state we operate from in any given interaction allows us to respond more appropriately and constructively. For instance, an overly critical Parent's voice might be tempered by the rational Adult, or a whim-driven Child might be guided by the nurturing Parent.?

The goal is not to eliminate any part but to achieve a balance and understanding that leads to healthier, more productive communication and relationships.

Harris encourages self-awareness and empathy. With time and commitment, we learn to recognize these states in ourselves and others, leading to deeper connections and more effective conflict resolution. The PAC framework offers a lens through which we can view our interactions, encouraging growth, healing, and a more profound sense of okayness with ourselves and the world around us.

Key Lessons Learned, Takeaways

Here are the key takeaways from the book:

1. Understand your PAC states. Start listening to yourself. Recognize the roles of Parent, Adult, and Child states in your interactions. Awareness of these states can improve communication and relationships.
2. Take personal responsibility. Acknowledge that you are responsible for your future, regardless of past experiences. This empowers you to make changes.
3. Use Transactional Analysis for interpersonal growth. The relationships we build and maintain in life are priceless. Use TA to understand and improve your interactions with others, fostering healthier relationships.
4. Be aware of emotional memories. Recognize the power of emotional memories and how they influence your current behavior. Understanding these can lead to healing and growth.
5. Learn to analyze, observe, and help yourself. It's not selfish to help yourself improve your mental wealth. Learn to analyze your behavior and thoughts to develop a healthier self-image and interactions with others.
6. Let go of shame, guilt, and fear. Letting go of the past may require professional help beyond self-care. The key to letting go is to become more accepting and forgiving of yourself and others. Focus on improving your flaws and striving for change daily. Use self-awareness as a catalyst for your growth.
7. Practice radical acceptance. I can't emphasize how powerful acceptance can be. We become free when we learn we can't control most outcomes, people, places, and things. Accept yourself and your circumstances while striving for daily change.

In closing, "I'm Okay, You're Okay" is a valuable resource for anyone interested in improving their self-understanding and enhancing their relationships with others. Its timeless principles of self-awareness, responsibility, and constructive change continue to resonate with readers worldwide.

Thanks for reading my article, which was originally published on Medium. When not coaching and advising emerging entrepreneurs, business owners, and investors, I help people improve their “mental wealth” and quality of life by writing, speaking, coaching, and advocating for mental wealth and well-being. Learn more at www.CliffordJones.com, or subscribe to The Clarity Letter on Substack.