How to be OK with not knowing
Laura Weiss CPCC, PCC
Executive Coach, Leadership and Conflict Specialist | Former Principal @ Korn Ferry, Former Assoc. Partner @ IDEO
[NOTE: This essay originally appeared in AIA Connecticut's Architype magazine, but it feels relevant again this week].
A question I like to ask my coaching clients at the end of our engagement is what’s different for you now than when we started working together? The following responses are some of my favorites:
“I’m less likely to jump to solutions and more able to get curious…”? ?
“I’m more comfortable transitioning into the unknown…”
“I’ve realized that as a leader I don’t need to have all the answers…”
All three of these individuals came to coaching with a common concern: the belief that they did not know enough, or were not learning fast enough, to succeed in their work.
Can you relate?
If you’re in a professional services role, you’ve harbored this belief. I know I have - it’s our Achilles heel. After all, we get hired to use our skills and experience to create things of value. Naturally we’ll resist exposing gaps in our knowledge and we’ll resist asking questions about things that we don’t understand. We’ll resist because not knowing runs counter to our story of self as a competent individual.
Being afraid, resisting, or holding back serves a purpose. It helps us protect our needs and values when faced with a perceived threat - in this case, a threat to our professional identity. But allowing the fear of not-knowing to paralyze us is a significant problem when our responsibilities include managing our teams, developing our direct reports, or understanding what our clients need.
The fear of not knowing also prevents us from leveraging its gifts. Professionals in the design fields integrate not knowing into their work quite seamlessly and often without realizing it. Consider the process of qualitative research: it begins with an innovation challenge and a ‘how might we…?’ question, which prompts an inquiry of various audiences using a set of stimuli (more questions) that are designed to yield insights and often raise even more questions. This iterative process is the dance of simultaneously knowing and not knowing.
It's also a great example of polarity thinking. Polarities involve two things that are of equal value but co-exist in tension. You can tell you are engaged in polarity thinking when you connect the opposite poles with the word and instead of the word or. Unlike a problem that needs to be solved, a polarity is a pair of ideas that need to be managed in tandem.
So how can we manage the polarities of knowing and not-knowing, of honoring the expertise and vision we each bring to our roles while also honoring the power of our curiosity?
The practice of noticing polarities is a way to disrupt the thought pattern of focusing on just one of the poles – typically the one that represents the thing we are trying very hard to protect. Here are some examples of polarities you can practice ‘holding’ at the same time:
·???????? Maintaining stability and enabling change
·???????? Being compassionate towards others and holding them accountable
·???????? Having a point of view and being open to others
The next time you feel the tension of not knowing begin to arise, recognize it and then gently let go of the need to be a subject-matter-expert. Instead, use it as a prompt to connect with colleagues or collaborators and invite them to bring their perspective to the challenge at hand.
Ever tried to let go of your SME (subject matter expert) status? Share what happened in the comments.
#leadership