How Not to Negotiate Like a Flaming Circus Tent: A Step-by-Step Guide to Avoiding Diplomatic Disaster.

By now, the whole world have witnessed the US-Ukraine negotiation.

A flaming circus tent collapsing in slow motion. In Ultra HD with Dolby Atmos.

Painful to watch.

Hilarious if you like your diplomacy with a side of chaos. And a sprinkle of misplaced confidence.

Ukraine wanted a handshake. The U.S. gave them jazz hands. And a lecture. Then asked for a thank-you card.

If this negotiation had a Yelp review, it’d be: “Would Not Recommend.”

1. Get on the Same Page—or Just Yell

Negotiating without alignment? Like ordering steak and getting tofu.

Ukraine wanted answers.

The U.S. brought a Magic 8-Ball.

Before you step into the room:

- Define the problem.

- Agree on success metrics.

- Know your hard limits.

Otherwise, you’re stuck in a debate where one side wants survival and the other wants compliments on their landscaping.

Classic.

2. Vague Promises Are Just Fancy Lies

Ukraine: “Are we getting X dollars and Y weapons by Z date?”

U.S.: “We support you. Now, say thank you.”

Deals die this way.

Good negotiators:

- Ask direct questions.

- Demand concrete timelines.

- Secure real commitments.

If they’re vague, they’re either clueless or ghosting you.

Spoiler: It’s both.

3. If You’re Going to Say No, Say It Like You Mean It

The U.S. didn’t say yes or no. Just filled the air with diplomatic fluff. And a lecture on gratitude.

Smart negotiators:

- Don’t mumble through rejection.

- Know hesitation is worse than a hard no.

- Say no clearly, without demanding applause.

Imagine a job interview ending with, “Just be grateful you sat in the chair.”

Brutal.

4. Your Face Will Rat You Out

Ukraine’s frustration? Crystal clear. The U.S. fumbling? Obvious. The press? Taking notes for their next headline: “Awkwardness Achieves New Heights.”

In negotiations:

- Control your reactions.

- Stay calm when things implode.

- Assume you’re always on camera.

Losing a negotiation is bad. Looking like you just lost your wallet? Worse. If your opponent sees the moment you realize you’ve lost, congratulations—you just handed them the upper hand.

5. Leverage Is the Only Thing That Matters

Ukraine needed help. The U.S. had options. That imbalance was on full display.

If your leverage is weak, don’t beg—get creative:

- Find alternatives.

- Use public pressure.

- Identify what the other side really wants.

Negotiation is chess, not checkers. Show up thinking it’s poker with no cards? You’re in deep trouble.

If you think it’s a friendly coffee chat?

Get ready to be politely mugged.

6. Gratitude Is Not a Currency—Unless You’re Buying Time

If your negotiation partner demands more appreciation than action, watch out. At one point, it felt like the U.S. was more interested in hearing “thank you” than discussing war.

Newsflash: Negotiations aren’t birthday parties. If one side is focused on being celebrated instead of solving problems, you’re not negotiating.

You’re playing PR for them.

Smart negotiators know when to stroke the ego to buy time. But if you’re constantly saying how amazing they are, guess what?

You’re being played.

The Real Game? Controlling the Story

In the end, Ukraine walked away with a participation trophy and a lecture.

The U.S.?

They looked lost, like they forgot why they even showed up.

Bad negotiations waste time and create chaos. Deals collapse, reputations crumble, and if you lose control of the narrative, you’ve lost more than just the deal.

Master negotiators don’t just cut deals. They control the story.

And right now, the U.S.-Ukraine negotiation reads like a tragicomedy.

What’s the worst negotiation faceplant you’ve seen?

Spill the tea!