How to negotiate with a controlling partner

If you're an ambitious, high achieving woman, you may find sometimes that your partner attempts to control you and that you feel compelled to explain and justify all your decisions

I spent five years living in the US when I was in my 20s. I had chosen to go there and study for a PhD in order to be with a man I had met two years before. Let’s call him Luke. We were both extremely bright and very high achievers. So it seemed logical that we were a good match.

Years later I reconnected with his sister on a trip to New York and she reminded me of how she and her partner would take me out to gigs and the theatre, while Luke insisted on staying home and studying. Needless to say Luke got his PhD and I didn’t complete mine.

In the end I ran out of money and came home. It was then that I began to realise how very controlling Luke had been. It wasn’t that he made me do anything. Rather he would question my decisions and I had to justify anything I did if he considered it to be a bad idea.

Released from the endless requirement for explanations and justifications, I felt free from something I had not even noticed before I came home.

Luke's controlling behaviour was like the water I had been swimming in. Now I was out of it, I realised how uncomfortable it had been.

I now know that part of the reason that Luke attempted to control me so much was that I did not know about boundaries. Neither did he apparently.

Of course not everyone will respect your boundaries, but you really can’t expect them to if you don’t know where they are yourself!

Why are men in particular so given to controlling their wives and girlfriends?

Call me old-fashioned, but I’d say it’s largely a product of patriarchy. The water we are all swimming in and therefore don’t notice is the water of patriarchy. Boys and men are brought up with implicit (unconscious) messages that the natural order of things is for men to control women.

And there is more. Boys from a fairly early age (as young as seven) are taught that they should not show emotions or crave love and affection. So they suppress all of their emotions except anger. Anger is permissible for males because it leads to action.

So as adults, men are unable to cope with other emotions such as sadness, guilt and fear. And a common way of dealing with guilt, fear and even uncertainty is to mask them behind anger or a desire to control others.

Luke didn’t get angry so much, as he was a little too intellectual for that. But he did need to have some sense of control and apparently I was part of the world that he needed to control.

So what’s the best way to respond when your partner tries to control you?

Start by recognising that if your partner is a man, and he is trying to control you, he is also a victim of patriarchy. That will allow you to feel some compassion for him.

Then get clear on your boundaries.

It’s worth getting to know the signals your body sends you. Even if you are not always consciously aware that someone has crossed a boundary (or even where that boundary lies), your body will tell you. Being open to signals from your gut for instance or your solar plexus can enable you to notice when you are being pushed into something which isn’t right for you.

If you know where your boundaries lie you can more easily say “No.”

If I had understood that people need boundaries and had figured out what mine were, I could have simply said to Luke “This is my decision. It’s not for you to decide when I go out and when I stay home and study.” But instead I was coming up with explanations such as that I needed a break, or I wanted to hang out with his sister.

Remember the word “No” is a complete sentence. It does not need any explanations or justifications. If your partner does not accept your “No,” then you are entitled to suggest – lovingly of course – that they back off.

And in return you will respect his or her boundaries.

A really controlling partner however may fail to respect your boundaries regardless of how much you assert them. And there may be an element of gaslighting – trying to make it seem like it’s all your fault, or that you're imagining things.

This is another ‘symptom’ of grandiosity, which is so characteristic of men within patriarchy.

In this case, ask yourself, “how much am I willing to put up with? Where’s my bottom line?” Because it really is important for you to know your limits. Otherwise the chances are, your partner will push and push and never be satisfied.

If you are struggling to assert your boundaries or to even figure out where they are, and you would like some support with this, get in touch. You can book a free Relationship Renewal Clarity Call, where we will discuss what’s going on in your relationship, and help you figure out the best way forward.