How to Negotiate with a Bully (Without Becoming One Yourself)

We all know the type. The person who dominates meetings, interrupts, steamrolls discussions, and plays hardball with no regard for reason: The bully negotiator.

Most people respond in one of two ways:

1. Fight fire with fire—raising their own aggression to match.
2. Back down—giving in just to make the tension stop.

Both are losing strategies. Fighting back escalates the conflict, and caving in reinforces their behavior. But there’s a third way—one that flips the power dynamic entirely.

I’ve been through many tough negotiations in and around Silicon Valley. I’ve also been a keen student of both the science and delicate art of negotiation (shoutout to Christopher Voss and numerous academic research into this fascinating topic), and here’s my recommended playbook for handling a bully without losing your cool—and more importantly, your leverage.

1. Control the Frame—Stay Calm When They Expect Chaos

Bullies want a reaction. They thrive on making you emotional because emotional people make mistakes. Your first job is to deny them that satisfaction.

In FBI hostage negotiations, the best agents stay ice-cold under pressure. Chris Voss calls this tactical empathy—acknowledging the other side’s emotions without absorbing them. When a bully tries to provoke you, respond with something like:

“It sounds like this is really important to you.”

It’s not agreement, but it forces them to slow down and elaborate. Silence is your friend here. Let them fill the space.

2. Set Boundaries—But Do It Subtly

People think negotiating with a bully means throwing down ultimatums. But that just invites more resistance. Instead, set a boundary that puts the pressure back on them.

Example:

• If they say, “This is non-negotiable.”
• You respond: “I understand. Help me see how this benefits both of us.”

It’s a small shift—but suddenly, they’re the ones who have to justify their stance. Research in behavioral psychology shows that people comply more when asked to explain their position rather than defend it.

3. Leverage Loss Aversion—Make Them Feel What’s at Stake

Most people think negotiation is about what you want. It’s actually about what the other person fears losing.

Kahneman and Tversky’s loss aversion studies demonstrate that people hate losing twice as much as they like winning. Use this to your advantage.

Instead of saying, “I need a better deal,” frame it as:

“If we can’t find a solution, I may have to take this elsewhere. I’d hate for us to miss out on working together.”

Now, the bully has to consider the cost of pushing too hard. But this is best done if you have the psychologic comfort of a strong BATNA. More on that under point #5 below.

4. Ask “No-Oriented” Questions—Put Them on the Defensive

Bullies like control. Give it to them—but on your terms.

People tend to feel safer saying “no” than “yes.” So instead of asking:

• “Can we make this work?” (which invites resistance) Ask:
• “Would it be unreasonable to explore alternatives?”
• “Are you really willing to walk away from this opportunity?”

They feel in control by saying “no,” but now they’re justifying your position.

5. Have a Strong BATNA—And Be Willing to Walk

A bully only has power if you need the deal more than they do. Enter the BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement)—the concept from Roger Fisher and William Ury's 1981 classic Getting to Yes that says your strongest negotiation tool is your backup plan.

If they sense you have no other options, they’ll keep pushing. But if they know you can walk, they have to take you seriously. Make sure they know it.

A simple phrase that shifts power:

“I’d love to make this work, but I have other options I need to consider.”

Final Thought: The Real Power Move Is Staying in Control

Handling a bully isn’t about outmuscling them. It’s about staying calm, using psychology against them, and making them feel like the one who needs to adjust.

?? Remember, the best negotiators don’t overpower their opponents—they outthink them.

Have you ever dealt with a bully in negotiation? How did you handle it? Drop a comment—I’d love to hear your approach. ????