How to Navigate Through Relationship Growing Pains for Better Thinking and Mental Health
Nick Lechnir, ACB, CPD
Vice President Education TM - Learning and Development Administrator at Optum Serve
Have you ever brushed relationship conflict under the rug, hoping it would just vanish? If you are in an intimate relationship, you've been there, and conflict is no stranger. But conflict doesn't have to be purely negative, as we often make it out to be. There is a hidden potential of conflict that can lead to growth.
Misalignments in our goals and values trigger conflicts, and that's actually a good thing. From the primal fight-or-flight responses to effective mediation strategies, embracing conflict rather than shunning it can foster personal growth and harmony.
We often operate in romantic life under the mistaken view that the person who is "right" or has the stronger case should legitimately "win" any argument. But this is not the fundamental point of relationships. It is not to defeat an opponent, since there are no prizes for winning other than self-satisfied gloating and loneliness. The point is to try helping each other to evolve into the best versions of ourselves.
There’s a kind of argument that erupts when one partner has a largely correct insight into problems such as:
The insight is not wrong, which is the tricky part. The assessment may be correct, but they are unable to "win" because there are no prizes in love for correcting the flaws of our partners. By attacking a partner with pointing out faults, we reduce our chances of ever reaching insight into our failings.
In defense, we tend to bristle and deny everything on the surface because we hate to be accused of a particular character flaw. It’s the surrounding atmosphere that makes us feel vulnerable and embarrassed. We know the partner is right. We just can’t bear to take their criticism because of how severely it has been delivered.
We start to deny everything or make excuses if it's too painful to admit our failings. We fear being emotionally crushed, shown as worthless, or given a miserable process of change without sympathy. And it may feel like until we change, we have no chance of gaining the affections or forgiveness of our partner.
That’s why we insist that we do actually do enough exercise, that we have been working very hard, and that we have never wasted any time on frivolous websites. We may feel so burdened with shame and guilt already. There’s too much pre-existing fragility for us to admit to yet another difficult personality trait that might be "wrong" with us.
The irony of the defensive argument is that it’s the overly-confrontational pursuit of truth that will make the truth impossible to reach. In the philosophy of lying, there’s a central historical example of what is termed the "just lie" outlined by the ancient Greek philosopher Plato.
The "just lie" goes like this: If a crazed person comes to us and asks "where’s the axe?" we are entitled to lie and say we don’t know, because we understand that if we tell them the truth, they would probably use it to do something horrendous to us. We can reasonably tell a lie when our life is in danger.
In a relationship, our partner may not literally be searching for an axe when they ask a question, but psychologically, this is precisely how we might experience them, which makes it at least a little understandable if we say we simply don’t know what they are talking about. It may feel unfair to ask an accuser to take responsibility for our vulnerability. But we certainly do not want to hand them a rope so they can hang us with it.
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If they want to help their relationship, they will need to make it abundantly clear they won’t ever use the truth as a weapon. What is so sad is how easily we, the accused, might confess to everything if we just felt emotionally safe enough. We would in fact love to unburden ourselves and admit to what is broken and wounded inside of us. This is true for everyone to some extent.
The answer is to create a situation where both partners accept that they are flawed, but not completely hopeless. We all have a need for love and kindness, where the mutual need for relationship evolution is a given, and where every well-considered criticism is handled as both correct and wrapped in layers of acceptance and reassurance.
It's important to recognize that people will mostly likely not change when they are told what's wrong with them. They change when they feel sufficiently supported to make the change they already know is due. It isn’t enough to be sometimes right in relationships. We need to be generous enough in our love so that our partner can feel safe enough to admit when they are wrong.
Real love includes saying "I'm sorry, I will try to do better." which goes a long way. But it also includes "I love and accept you regardless of your faults, and I know you are trying." which goes even further. Success in love is not a matter of luck. It's a matter of skill that we can learn with time and experience.
How do you get through rough patches in your relationships?
I sincerely appreciate your interest and support. Our mission is to always provide great content in helping you learn more about critical thinking skills and critical speaking skills.
Always keep leaping forward,
NJ
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Partnership & Success Manager connecting wellbeing providers with clients.
1 年Another great article Nick Lechnir!