How My Work Made Me a Better Dad
Tony Bodoh
Strategy Architect: Empowering Companies to Transform, Innovate, and Enrich the Human Experience Globally
What I learned about human experience while studying customer feedback changed how I interacted with my daughters and what I taught them about the power they have over their emotions.
I glanced across to the passenger seat. My daughter was enjoying her four pack of mini chicken breakfast sandwiches from Chick-fil-A. Contentedly, she took each one apart and dipped them into the sauce.
I looked at the clock. 7:37AM. We had thirteen minutes to get her to school. And more importantly, to talk.
The Micro-Moment of Awareness
I’d been traveling all week on business. I took a late flight home the night before. This trip was particularly hard on my daughter. She missed me.
Just 36 hours before, over the course of an hour or two when I had no wifi connectivity, she sent me a message thread. I could see her words shift as she wrote. She started out happy but quickly moved to lonely, then to disappointed and sad, and finally, to self-judgment. As I read these messages that night, long after she had gone to bed, I felt my heart being shredded.
I finally turned to her as she ate and said, “I was worried about you the other night when I read your messages. My heart really hurt because you felt that way. Are you better now?”
She looked up, “Yes. I was very sad. And, I didn’t feel good. My tummy got upset.”
“I know. I could tell from your messages,” I replied. “Do you remember how your feelings changed? You started out happy and then things shifted. You sounded lonely and then sad.”
She nodded.
I continued, “You know that sometimes we have little feelings. And then, the more we focus on that feeling, we have other feelings. It’s like a spiral. Pleasant feelings can lift us up and we feel more, different pleasant feelings. Unpleasant feelings can lead us down and we feel more types of unpleasant feelings.”
She stared off in the distance. I could see from the look in her eyes she was thinking deeply. Then, she looked directly at me. I knew we connected because could see the glint of awareness. She spoke slowly, “So, that’s why sometimes when I start feeling a little sad, I feel other bad things? Or, when something a little good my whole day goes better?”
I nodded. “Yes, that’s why your feelings changed as you were messaging me. That’s how they work. One feeling can trigger other feelings. Like dominos falling.”
Her eyes lit up. “That’s cool! So, when I have one feeling it causes more feelings. I never knew that.”
Her body language changed. She had a new sense of confidence and she asked a series of rapid-fire questions to gain deeper understanding. She was thrilled to finally know this. The awareness gave her a new level of control. She no longer had to fear the spiral of unpleasant feelings.
Micro-moments of Experience
One of the most powerful lessons I've ever learned while researching customer feedback, that I have been able to apply in my role as a father, is the concept of micro-moments of experience. Micro-moments are fast (happening in under three seconds); they focus our attention; and, they are rich with feelings.
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I’ve been studying human experience and the science of emotions for years. Back in 2008 I used the terms ‘triggers’ and ‘spirals’ to describe what we were finding in customer responses in surveys. I shared my perspective with the customer experience community while giving a presentation at the first Clarabridge user group annual meeting.
During my presentation, I showed that there was always one event that triggered an emotion followed by a spiral of related emotions. When we solved a single negative trigger event we could eliminate dozens of complaints mentioned as customers progressed downward in an emotional spiral. The investment in one solution paid dividends across the organization. In essence, a strategic solution to the trigger event eliminated the tactical challenges of the spiral emotions.
These micro-moments contain the power and the potential to shift a person’s life and set them on a new trajectory. Once I became aware of this power, I found ways to experiment with evoking them in my work and in my personal life. I began to wonder, "What if I could alter the trigger moments in my life or in the lives of my daughters?"
Triggering Micro-Moments Experiences at Home
The more I understood about micro-moments of experience, the more I tried to apply what I learned at home. I began to help my daughters by teaching them to pause when they were spiraling downward or I helped them amplify their upward spirals by reflecting the emotions back to them. We found dozens of ways we could eliminate the triggers of negative emotions.
As an example, there are certain words or tones that seem to trigger one of my daughters into a negative spiral when she is stressed. I also know that the right type of teasing or a silly joke at the right moment will cause her to instantly shift and she cannot stay in the unpleasant emotion. She starts to tease back and that playfulness turns to laughter quickly. When that happens she's jumped off of an unpleasant emotional spiral and onto a pleasant emotional spiral. In that state, we can discuss the trigger and find a resolution.
My other daughter often just needs a hug when she is feeling stressed. A long hug is enough to often cheer her up and raise her spirits. If I am traveling and cannot physically hug her, I make the effort to video chat with her at least once a day. This visual contact noticeably changes her emotional state, improves her performance in school and her happiness at home. The hugs or video chats eliminate the negative trigger events.
Recently, we have expanded the video calls to include helping her study for exams. It took a bit of creativity. We found that it was best if I traveled with her study guides. As a result, she had the highest scores of the year even though I was 800 miles away during her fourth quarter exams.
The Science of Micro-Moments
Over the last 20 years, the number of detailed scientific studies of positive emotions has expanded exponentially. Barbara Fredrickson is a leading researcher in the area of positivity. She describes the effects of micro-moments of positivity in her book, Love 2.0.
“Your outlook quite literally expands as you come under the influence of any of several positive emotions…you see more as your vision widens; you see the bigger picture. With this momentarily broadened, more encompassing mind-set, you become more flexible, attuned to others, creative, and wise.”
This is what I saw happen for my daughter in our conversation in the car. She had a micro-moment of new awareness and understanding. Her vision broadened and she became wiser in the moment.
But it is important to note that the moment was not forgotten. It has stayed with my daughter. She refers back to the lesson occasionally. Just last week she asked me questions about how her emotions work and referred to our conversation in the car, which happened almost a year ago. My daughter continues to grow from that micro-moment of awareness.
This growth is normal and to be expected. Fredrickson goes on to explain the long-term effect of such micro-moments of experience.
“Over time, you also become more resourceful. This is because, little by little, these mind-expanding moments of positive emotions add up to reshape your life for the better, making you more knowledgeable, more resilient, more socially integrated, and healthier…positive emotions can set off upward spirals in your life, self-sustaining trajectories of growth that life you up to become a better version of yourself.”
Altering The Trajectory of Human History
I believe each of us can help bring about a better world by finding ways to trigger positive micro-moments in ourselves and in others. It is easy to do. And, the science backs this up.
Each of us can connect with the person in front of us in any moment by recognizing them as a person who is like us: hoping, seeking, afraid, tired, confused, aware, lonely or loved. We can take a moment to give them a smile, an act of kindness, a comforting word or encouragement. We can go out of our way to help them pause when they are spiraling downward or to celebrate when they are spiraling upward. We can just be there with them. And lift them.
Our ability to share in a positive micro-moment experience with another person is one of humanity's most powerful reasons to hope for a better future. It is the opportunity each of us has to do our part in the moment we find ourselves in to make this world better.
You and I can alter the trajectory of human history, one micro-moment at a time.
Tony Bodoh is the co-author of the #1 best selling book, "The Complete Experience: Unlocking the Secrets of Online Reviews that Drive Customer Loyalty" and he is the creator of the Admiration Equation course.