How my tears saved my brain and nervous system at age 3.

When I started to think of writing an article of this nature this phrase I thought of, kept showing up for me "From Crying to Thriving and Crying again"

As a male trauma survivor of sexual abuse at age 3, when ever I decide to explore this healing and journey further, as expected , there is a potential for me to always put myself into a shock mode and trauma response . When I begin to dig deep and even decide to share with the public the intensity and pain of my experience resurfaces , yet it gets easier each time . And perhaps this is part of how I am committed to my healing journey .

There have been so many varieties of areas that I have built inside my internal tool kit of therapies and healing strategies over the years .But one that I always know will be my saving Grace, as they say, is placing myself as an observer and sort of researcher of this being I am . And making a choice to examine the topic and real life experience ultimately brings me to a place of self compassion and also empathy for other fellow travellers that have experienced trauma.

Lately my memory of how I coped with this assault in my system at the age of 3 really fascinates me. And I am even more curious to explore this from the neuropsychology perspective.

I remember at around age 4 or 5 I can recall vaguely being aware of the intensity of my crying as a result from my sexual assault .But part of the trauma wasnot really knowing WHY I was crying . Now at 48 I understand this release and tears was my way of self-soothing. I remember asking myself this question “How can a person, a little boy possibly have this many tears. I knew at this age my internal response was abnormal. I recall how perhaps my very first awareness of my developmemnt was not through any verbal language , but it was my pre-verbal awareness of my entire nervous system and how it was operating . I learned in my recovery crying was the only way my body knew how to respond to my assault. I was still too young to form words, understand the complexity of my emotional self and was style even learning about attachment and relationships.

I already developed an inner dialogue with complex emotions and my nervous system , long before I had understood these elements in a more cognitive processing method.

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My little nervous system and pre-verbal self encountered such a massive shock that it is remarkable how my system resorted to crying to manage this . I feel now when I look back I can almost feel how amazing my system and brain was able to realize the overwhelming assault that occurred and was like “Ok, well were are going up the storage of tears, open the dam to let this young lad cope through this. This process more and more are why I am so fascinated by my own system and even listen to my internal world daily. Because I really didn’t have a choice but to trust the process.

I recall crying so much that I felt I was going to actually drown in my own tears and that I needed to get buckets in my room to hold these tears.

?As I am also fascinated by the neuroscience, behaviour mental wellness and even spiritual understanding of those early crucial, formidable days. I feel dedicated to share my experiences with more insight each day of the amazing aspects of how our bodies and early emotional self helps us survive and thrive.

Plus in the act of crying , it truly is one of the greatest gifts and mysteries of the human and our souls. Tears of Pain and tears of joy

?I think the power crying has is such a mysterious yet commonly shared human experience that brings us to moments of awe and connection to our bodies and humanity. When we break down and let go. It’s almost like the final frontier in the idea and experience of healing.

Perhaps my brain was so overwhelmed in my little underdeveloped system. As if my brain had to create a new system and language in itself to say” If we do not get this out and learn how to regulate this system it will combust or implode .

In addition we learn that this experience I feel is also a very sacred one because its like the most vulnerable we can be within our own skin and also sharing our vulnerability with others.

And a whole other topic of the social constructs of " men and crying " and how this was a source of shame .This was something I needed to unpack on my own .

What do our tears teach us ?

What stories have you learned from your tears ?

Today , I am not ashamed to cry and I will make sure that I open up once in a while . Typically I will go through a short period of reflection, journaling and some music. Most likely ambient or some good old fashioned Radio Head or The Smiths to open me up.

Peace and Love

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