How My Mindset Around Stress Changed for the Better

My world has been turned upside down, again. The first time it happened, I experienced a severe burnout, leading to chronic fatigue, taking years to recover. I love to learn, and I try to make sure that I absorb the lessons from my experiences into my life. One of the things I took from this health collapse was a new quest: to warn others as to the harmful effects of stress and how much it can damage lives. The second time my life was turned upside down was when I realised that this was all wrong.

I recently read a book, The Upside of Stress, by Kelly McGonigal. This book met its objective - to shift my mindset. The book contains study after study showing how healthy our stress responses are. We don’t just have the fight-or-flight response, as we are so often led to believe. We have a multitude of responses and they are often ideally suited to the situation. Also, the belief that stress harms us is what truly does, in combination with stress of course.

After recovering from my illness, I was excited about my new quest of warning others about stress. That ended abruptly after reading McGonigal’s book. I needed to rethink my message and to make sure that I wasn’t doing people a disservice by telling them how harmful stress is. I had to find a new direction so that I can serve humanity correctly.

How Do We know When we are Stressed?

I’ve been interviewing people for my next book and I’m asking participants what it looks like when they are stressed. For some people, they get run down. They get colds and flu, a sore throat or fever blisters. Some people get tired and struggle to concentrate. Our body has unique ways of telling us that it’s taking strain. It’s up to us to listen and to give ourselves what we need to restore our energy and well-being.

Clearly, I’m no expert on this because I ignored all the signs and got very ill. However, since my health collapse, I’ve learnt to listen to my body a little better. When I’m stressed, I also feel run down, with a sore throat and fatigue. I also feel it in my neck and shoulders as my muscles tense up. I have thoughts that go something like “It’s just too much” or “I’m overwhelmed.”

There is great value in tuning into the signs that our body offers us in times where we are becoming very stressed. Only then, can we start to take action towards caring for ourselves.

What Types of Stress Exist in Your Life?

It is also useful to identify the types of stress we are experiencing. Before a speech, I feel pressure to make the content meaningful and to know it well enough not to make a fool of myself. I feel nervous before I speak and I’m trying to use what I’ve learnt in McGonigal’s book to boost my performance. It is possible to perform well by telling yourself that your nerves are actually excitement. Knowing that we feel stress when we are about to do something that matters to us, is powerful.

I sometimes experience the too-much-to-do stress where I feel that there is not enough time in my day to get things done. Deadlines are looming and I’m not sure how I’m going to deliver on time. It’s those times when I have thoughts of being overwhelmed. The actions I take are making use of lists, outsourcing what I can and trying to manage my thinking. I move my thoughts in the direction of knowing that I usually pull it out of the bag and I have a very good track record of getting things done on time.

Another type of stress I experienced at the end of 2017 was my child in distress. She was effectively bullied by her teacher and treated very badly by the school. I struggled to find solutions and to rescue her from a harmful and negative environment every day. I removed her from the school ultimately, but it was a costly and difficult process. I didn’t manage this stress well and my health deteriorated for a few months. I know that I need to work on managing this stress better. I can take action to remedy what I can, support and coach her through the difficulties and the rest is not up to me.  

Finally, we have traumatic events. These include being a victim of a violent incident or crime, a terrorist attack, or even great losses such as retrenchment, divorce and death of a loved one. These events are probably the most difficult to recover from. In my life, these have caused ongoing health challenges and after such an event in 2012, my health spiraled downwards until the collapse years later. I experienced unhappy thoughts, a feeling of hopelessness and cynicism which are key identifiers for burnout. In Amy Myers' book, The Autoimmune Solution, she shows how a stressful event such as a trauma can be a trigger for autoimmune disease and takes on average five years to present.

How to Reconcile the Trigger and the Benefits of Stress?

This is where I became unstuck. I knew that the way I thought about stress was very important and that I cannot avoid stress because it’s a part of life. How could I move on to a place where I appreciated and acknowledged the benefits of my body’s stress response when I had become so ill?

I knew from McGonigal’s book that it is not good for me to view stress as harmful and as something to be avoided. Studies show that this mindset shortens your lifespan, reduces your happiness and has negative impacts on your health. I need to find a way to embrace stress and to appreciate everything my body is doing for me.

I was fascinated about the various responses that McGonigal writes about. The challenge response is the one which fires us up for action and is often very helpful when approaching a deadline.  The tend-and-befriend response is one where we release oxytocin, the love hormone, which helps us to connect with others in times of stress. Many people use what’s called the shift-and-persist response which helps us to survive difficult childhoods.

I can’t say I’m mastering stress or that I have it all figured out. But I am excited to learn that stress can do a lot for us and that we indeed have healthy responses to it. A concept I loved in the book is that a meaningful life is most likely a stressful life and it’s difficult to stretch ourselves without being stressed along the way. I think this is the most exciting nugget for me as I no longer live in fear of becoming stressed.

Finding meaning out of my years of suffering is important to me. I resolved to become someone who brings knowledge and guidance to those who want to build a better life. Becoming that person would entail stress as I need to take on projects that are big and scary, learn how to reach broad audiences and make a dramatic impact on the world. I simply can’t do that while I’m at home, protecting myself from stress. This knowledge has enabled me to reach for my dream, without the fear of what it might do to my health. I am now much better equipped to tackle big goals and it makes striving seem viable again.