How My LinkedIn Profile Destroyed the Internet (and Your Will to Scroll)
Let’s get something straight: LinkedIn is boring. Yeah, I said it. Bland, buzzword-filled profiles that scream “I’ve got Excel skills!” and “Proficient in Microsoft Word!”—because nothing says "I’m ready to change the world" like software that freezes when you need it most.
"Professional by Day, Literary Rebel by Night"
If you’re still reading this, you’ve already seen my LinkedIn profile. If not, go check it out, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. People have walked away from it questioning their life choices, questioning reality, even questioning their love for cat memes.
Yeah. It's that serious.
But how did it all begin? With a single thought: What if I made LinkedIn fun?
No, really, stop laughing. LinkedIn doesn’t have to feel like walking into a beige conference room with fluorescent lights. I threw away the corporate jargon, burned the “Synergy,” and injected some much-needed caffeine and chaos into my profile.
“WARNING: Contents May Cause Book Hangovers”
Imagine scrolling through your LinkedIn feed on a sleepy Monday morning, eyes glazed over from seeing yet another “Let’s Connect!” post, when—BOOM!—you see me, professionally dressed, juggling books like I just escaped a book-themed circus. Pages exploding out of a typewriter like it’s possessed by the ghost of Hemingway. And let’s not forget my oversized, super-serious reading glasses. Not because I need them, but because they make me look like I know the meaning of life. (Spoiler: I don’t.)
The banner smacks you in the face with this ominous message: “Warning: Contents May Cause Book Hangovers.”
Suddenly, your 9-5 inbox feels...irrelevant.
The Coffee Cup That Changed Everything
Next up? My award-winning profile picture. (I haven’t actually won any awards, but let’s manifest that.) You know the one. I’m casually smirking at the camera, holding a coffee cup labeled “Creativity Juice” as if I’ve just discovered the secret to eternal inspiration (it’s not coffee; it’s 80% procrastination).
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By now, you’ve probably either:
“Creating Fiction That’ll Make You Question Reality—and Your LinkedIn Feed”
Here’s where the real magic happens: my headline. It doesn’t scream, “Look at my professional skills!” It whispers in your ear like a mischievous character from one of my books: “Creating Fiction That’ll Make You Question Reality—and Your LinkedIn Feed.” It’s not just a headline; it’s a declaration. A promise that after this encounter, you’ll never look at LinkedIn the same way again.
I mean, come on—what kind of fiction could mess with your LinkedIn feed? You’re probably clicking on my Amazon author page right now out of sheer curiosity.
The Aftermath
Since launching this revolutionary LinkedIn profile, the internet has been in shambles. CEOs are reconsidering their life choices. Recruiters have DM’d me with job offers just because they want to know if I’m real (I’m not; I’m a hologram). People can’t stop talking about it.
So, if you’re tired of the mundane, sick of endless “Thought Leader” posts, or just want to see what happens when you toss creativity grenades into the corporate world—go check out my profile. Just remember, it comes with a disclaimer: Side effects may include existential dread, excessive laughing, and an uncontrollable urge to read something that breaks all the rules.
Welcome to the new LinkedIn—the one that’s about to blow your mind.
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