How My Life Was Saved One Year Ago

I dedicate this post to Rick Doblin, Executive Director at Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS) and "Cain", my guide, who both helped save my life.

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On the cold, windy evening of March 2, 2020, I was talking with my mother about my MDMA therapy session that was scheduled for the next day. Always supportive, my mother, along with my father, my wife and my small but solid core of friends provided tremendous comfort to me in the days and weeks leading up to my session. During this chat, we discussed how serious to take this "outbreak" and how it will likely create a major disruption for my company, Momentum Events, a live conference business. Little did we - or anyone really - know what the impact would actually become. That being said, my mother did ask me if it was a "good time" to undergo such therapy because of the coming pandemic storm, and I'll never forget how I replied. I said, "Ma, I don't know if it's a good time or a bad time, but it just feels like the right time."

Below is the raw, un-edited video I took from my car the morning of my treatment day.

As I have shared countless times in blogs, articles and webinars, I battled depression, anxiety and PTSD for much of my adult life. This journey is chronicled in more detail in the post My Long Shadow and then the one year follow up article, My Long Shadow, Slayed where I detail my experience with MDMA therapy:

"My experience was painful, exhausting, unpleasant and cathartic. At the end of my session, I sweat through my shirt and vomitted. The work unearthed a deep, 30+ year old trauma that was so far buried that I had no waking memory of it. In fact, the only 'conscious' connection to this trauma I had was gaps in my memory for certain years of my childhood that neither I nor my parents were ever able to explain. In hindsight, I now realize why my mind simply turned off the memory function, and the ripple effect that had was significant. Things I should've learned went un-learned, experiences and friendships that likely would have occurred did not occur. The list goes on. Once this trauma was found, I relived it - and released it."

One year later, despite the world we were all given, I remain free of my mental health ailments. Everyone has their own pandemic survival story and for some it was easier, and others, harder, but despite how hard the wind blew, I never broke. Had I not had my treatment and made several corresponding life changes resulting from the gift of my "reset", I do not know what mental state I'd be in - or if I'd be here at all.

My emancipation from my mental health demons did not make me immune from the day to day stresses of life, especially pandemic life, but it did allow me to confront each headwind with a rock solid footing and the belief that no matter how bad it seems, it will get better. That perhaps is the largest difference for me; prior to treatment, I would assume that things would not work out. Post treatment, I just have faith it will.

Recently a colleague and I were discussing the pandemic, specifically the "controversial" topics of lockdowns, masks and vaccines. This colleague and I have known each for 20+ years, and while we are on slightly different sides of the political spectrum, we have tremendous respect and appreciation for each other so our opinions never divide us.

We got onto the subject of fear and I explained what I went through with my treatment, and as a result of that I would never allow fear to constrain me again.

Do I want to die? No! But am I afraid of getting sick or dying? Absolutely not.

In fact, I have very little - if any - fears that bind me. I went on to explain that after spending so many decades in a mental cage, unable to truly "live", that I would never choose to accept confinement again. Does this mean that some of my actions might be interpreted as "risky"? Perhaps. But my appreciation for life, and faith in the Almighty provides me with all the comfort I need that whatever happens, based on the choices I make, will be what was intended - and the consequences cause me no fear. I know this rationale will not make sense for some and that's ok, we each walk our own path.

I share this anecdote because I care deeply about our collective mental health and don't want to see anyone imprisoned in the fear that I was in for so long. I also share this because chances are you or someone you know has seen a deterioration in your/their mental health over the past year. Our mental health was declining long before the pandemic, so the "perfect storm" of fear, lockdowns, mental anguish and social and economic pressures has caused tremendous damage across all ages, races and socio-economic standing.

So when the initial impact of the pandemic receded, and we were left with questionable policies with constantly moving goal posts and metrics, I became relentless in my defense of everyone's mental health. I even wrote a piece entitled "How COVID Defeated Mental Health" that I encourage you to read and have BEEN screaming about the coming mental storm since April 2020...

I share all this because lots of people are going to need a lot of help, and while psychedelics and empathogens aren't for everybody, for a good portion of those who can't free themselves from their mental health demons it might be the only pathway towards salvation. I encourage you to not fear this type of therapy, but to be curious, learn as much as you can and understand that you have the right to be free from your mental health ailments and, perhaps more importantly, know that meaningful change can be permanent.

Thank you for reading my story.

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For those interested in learning more about psychedelics, feel free to visit Balanced, a website I created where I share podcasts, interviews, books, articles and research papers on psychedelics, all hand picked for the patient's perspective. I believe everyone deserves to find their own mental health balance, and the more knowledge one has, the more empowered they are.