How my bathroom mirror saved my life!

Growing up without a mother was difficult.? Let’s be honest, there’s nothing “natural” about losing your mom when you’re 5 years old.

As a kid, whenever my friends would complain about their mom, I would get very angry and lash out at them.? If my mom was alive, I wouldn’t complain! (of course I would have).? To me, they were being ungrateful and the day their mom would pass, they would regret their words.? But what normal 8 year-old thinks of their mother dying. I would have given anything for my mom to be alive.

As a teenager I was overwhelmed by sadness. I thought life was not really worth the trouble.? I contemplated joining my mom by committing suicide but, I didn’t “have the guts”, so I picked up smoking instead.? I found comfort in thinking I could die from lung cancer just like she had.

I felt unloved and undeserving.

She had “left me” so she must not have loved me.

I didn’t have low self esteem,?

I had NO self esteem.??

I didn’t understand how my dad could re-marry.??

I didn’t understand how my siblings could carry on with their lives.

I was jealous of my sister because she had known our mother 6 years longer than I had.

I felt trapped, and I was!??

Trapped in a victim mindset.

Trapped with my opty-rectus syndrome (see 1st article).

I was convinced life was something you suffered through until you died. I would even have a hard time standing up straight because of the weight of my feelings so I would slouch, which wasn’t appreciated in my military career.?

This lasted several decades.

Then, I turned 37.? I had officially outlived my mother!

?? Maman will never be this old ? I thought.

That year I started going to therapy, finally!? I say finally here because it had been suggested to me for several years.

I didn’t need therapy!?? None of this was on me!? What would therapy do?

It was a hard process because every week another suppressed memory would surface.? I would have yet another reason to be sad.

One morning, after a particularly difficult session with the psychologist I broke down, shattered into a million pieces.

Life cannot be this hard

Life cannot be this shitty.

There I stood in front of my bathroom mirror with my head in my hands balling my eyes out.? I took a long look into my eyes and said OUT LOUD.

Isabelle, you either kill yourself today or you stop feeling this way right now!

Everything simply unfolded in my mind!

As if I had broken open!

That is the moment I decided to live my life because.?

I was young and healthy.??

I had friends and family that I loved and loved me.

I had a career and financial stability.??

I had a passion for music, singing and dancing..

Because MY LIFE wasn’t over even if hers was.?

I realized that being sad had been a CHOICE? I was making every morning!? Perhaps the sadness would never completely go away but, I would at least try to live while I was alive.

So, every morning I would look at myself in the eyes in the same bathroom mirror and tell myself: Today is a good day.? Some days it was true

Some it wasn’t

Some days I believed

Others I really really didn’t

But, I had to start somewhere

I started doing the things that brought me joy, as often as possible.? Slowly but surely the sadness no longer controlled my life anymore.

I rarely feel sadness about my mother’s passing anymore. And when I do, it is always about her loss and not mine.

Feeling sad for losing someone you love is normal.

Letting it overwhelm your life is a choice.

My mom is still dead, nothing has changed.

Well, except for me!

Join me for my live audio event this Wednesday, Apr 12th 2023 at 9h30 AET

https://www.dhirubhai.net/events/growthmindset7046900737573838848/