How much would you value not feeling guilty?
Stuart Foster
???????? ?????????????? ???????????? High performance mindset coach for corporate professionals, executives, students and elite athletes. ??*??????????????*??????????????*??????*????????*????*??*????????*??
Do you know why you sometimes feel guilty?
Just one of the many reasons you may feel guilt is because your inner drivers are in conflict. And because you don't know what these drivers are ... when you make a decision between 2 unknown, conflicting drivers, you then feel guilty as a consequence of the driver that's been "over-ruled".
Let's take an example. Let's say my number 1 driver is "Health" and my number 2 driver is "Success".
And, let's assume that I have a last-minute opportunity to prepare and run a webinar with 20,000 attendees. You know, a speaker has just dropped out of an industry conference, and I've been approached as the stand-in. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity to connect with clients. But, I have to work 24 hours straight.
If I don't know my drivers I might unconsciously decide to work those 24 hours, and I'd do so with this horrible grating feeling somewhere deep inside. That guilty feeling is caused because my actions are going directly against my higher driver - in this case "health".
Consciously and logically I know that I'll need time to recover from my 24-hour-a-thon. Consciously and logically I know that there will be a detrimental impact to my health, albeit for most people, for a short time only. So, why then does this decision gnaw away at me.
I have a sense of what I SHOULD do - I should say "no" - but I don't. My drivers are hidden, and I get lured by the money, the fame, the ego stroking, and the success.
And I feel guilty ... bloody guilty. And I don't know why.
One of the clues in this type of situation is the word "should", or in other instances "shouldn't", or must or mustn't. These highlight the standards that you expect of yourself, and when you don't meet those standards you might start to feel a negative emotion, like guilt.
And because you feel guilty, you then feel disappointed in yourself. And because you feel disappointed you then have an eruption of anger; with all of anger's consequential actions.
Want to know one method to help avoid this type of situation?
One of the sessions I run for many clients is known as a "Core Values" session. It uncovers these hidden drivers, known as core values, and then prioritises them.
My clients then know what drives them, and decisions become so much easier.
In the example, I can still do the webinar - working the required 24 hours to meet the deadline and taking the opportunity for "success". But this time, I make a conscious decision based on logic and the knowledge of my deeper drivers. The guilt eases because the decision has been raised from an unconscious to a conscious level - No grating feeling like 2 bits of sandpaper rubbing against each other. No gut-wrenching feelings of guilt. I consciously decide based on logic and internal drivers.
Or, I can stick to my values and stick 2 fingers up to the webinar ... metaphorically.
I can't over-estimate how liberating knowing what your core values are. I use them regularly to make decisions; from small decisions to whopper, huge decisions. It's why corporations spend $$$ on understanding and communicating their corporate values.
Personally, 18 months ago, after working with a coach on my core values, I started saying a guilt-free "no" more frequently. People at work and socially actually started to comment about this change. Why should I feel guilty about saying "no"? I consciously knew who I was (and am), I made decisions based on them, and I felt free doing so ... liberated. No guilt.
How much would you like to uncover your hidden drivers? How much would you like to feel that greater sense of freedom?
>>> About Stuart: Stuart is an executive coach, "corporate professional" coach and student mentor. He provides a confidential environment for clients to energise their goals, careers, resilience and life-balance. He can be contacted via his website at https://www.unscrambledheads.com/contact
Photos by Raimond Klavins, Nik Shuliahin & Elena Mozhvilo on Unsplash
Mindset Coach ?? Autore ?? Speaker ?? Creatore del Metodo D.O.T.S. e del Percorso BEwell ??. Aiuto le persone a uscire dal pilota automatico ??
4 年interesting post Stuart. My guilt trips were when I ate a fast food lunch in the car moving between appointments. Horrible feeling of going against your values ( Stay Healthy) but justified due to a lack of time. I have understood overtime that there are moments that don't always align with your values but if you accept them as temporary or a one off, it gives you control on how to to view them.
Health Coach
4 年Wonderful story. I appreciate your vulnerability in opening about your exact feelings in that real life example. Core values are such a game changer - they shed the light in what’s important to us - like a torch! And what’s more, they evolve with us as we grow and change. This makes me want to tap into them again and see how much has changed over the last 8-10 months ???? thanks Stuart!
Corporate Trainer at Sunstone - Enabling emerging professionals to master human-centric skills for workplace excellence ? Communication Trainer ? Educator
4 年I think most of us have faced this situation of mixed feeling, what we need to do and what not to do in a particular situation. And that's where our Values becomes so so important.
Stuart Foster this article resonates. I used to be like that, ages ago. Life taught me this however: if you were not selected to speak at the event in the first place (for the job, for the contract), and you are considered as a “quick fix” option, then opt-out. Whilst it might appear, or is sold to you as “this could be good for your exposure”, it is not. It is solving someone else’s problem. Adapting yourself to someone else’s agenda. I fully learned to understand this only when started full time contracting & later run my own business. I would be asked: “our supplier pulled out on a last moment, would you do this on a short notice for exposure?” Nah. No, sorry. So easy to say nowadays. Took time to get there.
I help empaths/hsp's develop consistent self care routines to reduce overwhelm and develop emotional well being.
4 年Oh my, yes this is great. I'm working on saying "no" more often. Interesting thing, my body knows I should say "no" before my mind does. If I'm feeling less than stellar or even more clumsy than normal, I know something is up concerning my decision making. It's been valuable to listen in because my mind will tell me something misleading from time to time.