How much parenting is just right?

Like everything else in life, there is a Bell Curve of parenting. There is the vast majority that is doing what everyone else is. A few are not doing anything at all and are clearly below average. A few people are doing things that make the average performer feel inadequate.

The norms of parenting change from society to society and across generations. In the Western model of parenting, a parent who manages to make the child independent emotionally and financially is considered to be a successful parent. A parent-child relation in India is considered to be close when the children continue to depend on parents when needed.

My grandparents had eight children. There was a considerable gap between the eldest sibling and the youngest and the sibling would often be the proxy parent. They used to help the young ones with academics as well as device pranks that they had perfected over the years. Parents never got involved in day to day issues of the children – the elder siblings did. Today’s parents would find this model of parenting below average and unacceptable. But then very few parents today have eight kids and thus have more time and resources to spend on the child.

Amy Chua wrote Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother a book that extols the virtues of strict parenting. The mother decided which extracurricular activities her two daughters would join. They had to be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama. They had to learn to play the piano or violin.

To the Western parent, this was unthinkable. Many praised the French approach as a more acceptable model. Any parenting style must be aimed at making the child happy. So if the child refuses to practice a difficult musical piece, the Western parent will never force the kid to. The Chinese view of parenting is different.

The Chinese view of parenting is beautifully summarized as”

“What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something—whether it's math, piano, pitching or ballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.”

Is that Tiger Mom model right? When does the role of the parent start – before the child is conceived or after the kid is born? And where does it end? Does it end when the child goes to school or should they continue their active parenting through the college years (many do)? Should the parents stop influencing decisions when the children start earning enough to be independent? How much information should a parent have? What kind of information is essential?

Technology has created a digital divide even among parents. The tech savvy parents know how to trace the teenage children’s digital tracks. The “cool” parents will brag about being on Facebook with their children. What the parents don’t know is the children are much better at covering digital footprints. They create a social media profile which they share with parents on Facebook. The kids hold conversation here about academics and all the topics that reassure parents that their child is growing up right. Then they log on to their other Facebook account where they discuss topics that would make the parents faint. Two lives and two identities keep the parents unaware and stress-free.

What does it mean to be a parent in the digital age? When your kid posts a photo that no one has “liked” for one full day, maybe it is time to explain that no one is likable by everyone all the time or even some of the time. We are often preparing children for a future that we assume to be a lot like the past we are familiar with. That is not valid today.

What is after all the goal of parenting? To raise children who are successful (who defines that?) or to raise children who grow up to be happy and well adjusted? You tell me.

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