How much do I give?

And I am not talking about Christmas gifts. When you wear your heart on your sleeve and you are a giver you want to share. You want to give because that is your strategy around building relationships. However at times do you feel hurt and that your giving nature is often used to other's advantage and there is no exchange? Your confused that not everyone is a giver like you.....So my question here is at what point do GIVERS stop?

I am currently reading a book by Adam Grant called "Give and Take" He describes three types of people. Givers, Takers and Matches. I think of Givers as win/win people, takers as win/lose people and matches as mirrors (these are people who are givers when led by a giver) I think in our lives we demonstrate all three at different times however I think underneath we are one.

Yesterday a giver told me they needed to protect themselves from the takers. That she needed to stop being herself and be hard against others so she would not get hurt. Do you really want to be something your not? In business (or life) this may come across as not being authentic or genuine. And if you are a true giver will this really make you happy?

Maybe you want to avoid the Taker who look like a Giver? They talk the Giver talk but there is no action. Oh no you are hurt again!

This all looks to be really difficult to negotiate and really no solution to the problem.

If you are a GIVER then keep giving because that is what you like about you. You love making a difference and helping others so why would you stop?

What you do need to change is your RULES around your giving....If you are giving and you have expectations attached (remember these are your expectations) you will certainly be at some point hurt. You see you are hurting YOU. There I have said it!

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person, is a little like expecting a bull not to attack because you are a vegetarian" Dennis Wholey

How do I know? Because I am a Giver or People Pleaser and have been running the same strategy for years. NOW I have a little RULE book that I refer to when I am starting to feel a little like I am falling down the black hole of hurt.

Commit to writing NOW what are your RULES around Giving?

Think about the following to get you started. Reminder: you just have a little hole in your bucket. If we have a leak how do we fix it ?  

• Self awareness is the key - if you are “feeling” emotions that are negative you have a hole ! These are your signs. Listen to your emotions, your body as its giving you a very clear message. Not sleeping, feeling frustrated or unappreciated….maybe invisible etc 
• Ask yourself which relationship is the one you need to focus on. How do you eat an elephant ? One spoonful at a time. Start with one relationship at a time if you feel you have a few that need addressing. Get some help here there are plenty of coaches that can help you negotiate this area. Remember no need to reinvent the wheel. 
• Check in with the person and ask “What is happening in your world?” It may not be about you and often it’s not. I work on the 80/20 rule with relationships. If 80% of the time its a great relationship then something changes - ask the question as sometime life gets in the way.
• Explain how you feel…..relationships are a two way street. If the relationship is all one way that’s why its leaky. Open the lines of communication and have a conversation about what you need from the relationship.
• Set your boundaries and stick to them - you may be giving mixed messages. Often our “people pleaser” comes out to play and we are giving unclear messages about what we need from the relationship
• Giving, giving and more giving to a relationship without boundaries is not healthy or respectful to yourself. Think about yourself as your best friend. What would you tell your best friend about the relationship? Having self respect in a relationship will have others respecting you. It starts with how you feel about yourself and how you treat yourself.

A REMINDER HERE:

“Do. Or do not. There is no try.” Yoda - The Empire Strikes Back

• Come and join my win:win community and find free resources at www.colomboconsulting.com.au