How To Be More Resilient
Robert Pasick, Ph.D
Consulting Psychologist and Executive Coach, bringing out the best in leaders, helping professionals, manage career change, succession planning with family businesses, and best-selling author.
IT’S NEVER AS EASY AS IT LOOKS: RESILIENCY COUNTS
Another American myth is the idea that life should be a smooth progression of unending success. Once again, that’s Hollywood fantasy. Real life is beset with struggle and often with repeated failure, even tragedy, before anything meaningful is accomplished.
Resilience is the ability to rebound from hardship, difficulty and misfortune and successfully adapt to adverse situations. Because the world is more interconnected than at any time in history, this is something that no one should ignore. As technology shrinks time and distance, and trade and cultural exchanges become the norm in the world, challenges seem more intense, grow more rapidly, and occur with greater frequency. The worldwide financial turmoil of 2008-2009 was a perfect example. The rise of deep-seated nationalism in many quarters is a harbinger of potentially dramatic change. And finally, the COVID-19 pandemic is almost certain to change many things in completely unpredictable ways.
Few events that are later seen as great in life are achieved without major risk and messiness. To deal with this, it’s important to understand how you have handled adversity in the past. That’s the best predictor of how you will handle it in the future. Almost everyone has bounced back from negative experiences at some point in their lives, but some people seem to be more resilient than others. What are the major factors that are present in highly resilient people?
Here’s a summary of a dozen factors we think will predict your own resiliency. No one has all of these attributes, but those who regularly exhibit more than half of them usually respond to the down side of life more quickly and vibrantly than those who lack most of these behavioral patterns.
1. Carefully decide what you can control and what you can’t. Focus on the things that you can affect, and don’t fret about those you can’t. You may need to watch and react to things that are outside of your control, but trying to change things that are beyond you is not only frustrating, it’s a serious waste of energy, time, and often, of money.
2. Keep perspective on your ultimate goals; revisit your vision and mission statements frequently. Don’t be afraid to alter these statements if events intervene, or if you decide something else is more important to you. (But be careful about doing this too often or just because you’ve hit a bump in the road!)
3. Be flexible; many people throughout history have suffered major losses, including their own lives, from being too rigidly attached to routines, methods, jobs—even their luggage!
4. Don’t let short term gain seduce you into quitting, cheating, or exploiting others. Remember, you’re unlikely to drift away from your values in large jumps, but rather in small, incremental, “who’d notice anyhow” steps.
5. Keep yourself inspired: read, discuss, pray; do whatever builds your spirit. Humor helps, particularly when you seem to be swimming upstream.
6. When things look darkest, remind yourself about how you got out of the last mess you were in!
7. Don’t let pressure and longing for attractive possessions rob you of your health—while some stress is natural and even invigorating, unending pressure frequently leads to poor diet, lack of exercise, and even death. While the COVID-19 virus is a serious threat, how many will not succumb to the virus but be felled by stress, anxiety, and even panic?
8. Don’t allow fear to control you. Remember, fear is a natural survival instinct, and a totally fearless person is usually a fool. Instead, find a way to tame it and make it work for you, just like a skater trying a difficult new stunt. Real courage means moving forward when you are too scared to move.
9. Commit to overcoming adversity – to win and not to allow yourself to fail. That means you need to make decisions and then go forward. When things do go wrong, don’t hesitate to forgive yourself, particularly if you used sound logic and good information to make a decision. You’re not perfect and you never will be.
10. It’s important to be optimistic, but not Pollyannaish. Pessimists often become victims of their own predictions—“See, I told you that wouldn’t work!” Taking foolish risks isn’t wise, either.
11. Find a small group of people who are willing and able to support you. If someone is chronically negative, don’t hesitate to move away from them.
12. Define specific and possible goals. And when things go badly, stick to the facts, no matter how bleak. Most people can accept bad news, but deception and unnecessary surprises drive everyone crazy.
When things seem to be going badly, pull out this list and read it. We think you’ll find it helpful and useful—and that it will keep you from being sucked in by negativity. If you think things are bad and they can’t get better, you’ll probably have a self-fulfilling prophecy. On the other hand, if you can see how the tide can turn—and you actively pursue those actions—you’re much more likely to start heading in the direction you’d rather go.
Nice list Rob. Being kind to yourself when you are in a crisis is something I have come to realize.