How to be More Assertive: Advice for a Better Life

Do you struggle to assert yourself at work and in your daily life? It’s a common problem and it’s one that could hold you back and prevent you from reaching your potential.

In this guide, I’ll show you some of the ways that you can be more assertive without coming across as an asshole.

Understand Your Value

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Assertiveness is often tied to confidence, but it’s assumed that being confident means you are completely comfortable in yourself. That’s not necessarily the case, though. I know people who are incredibly confident in the workplace and in their abilities, but if you drop them into a social situation, they will shy away.

They are confident at work because they know how talented and hard-working they are. They know what value they bring to the office, and that’s the root of confidence and assertiveness.

If you understand your value in all walks of life, from the office to your friendship circle and your relationships, you’ll find it easier to be assertive.

How many times have you witnessed an inexperienced and unskilled manager talk condescendingly to a skilled employee? Maybe you have been on the receiving end yourself. The manager asserts their authority not because they know better but because they see themselves as being superior.

If you are that skilled worker and you’re confident in your abilities, you’ll be more inclined to bite back, telling them that they’re wrong, they’re not doing it right, and you know better.

You don’t have to shout those things and you definitely shouldn’t argue. You’re just reminding them that you know better without actually saying those words.

Assertiveness is rooted in a belief in yourself and a recognition of what you bring to the table.

Understand Your Legal and Social Rights

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People often struggle with assertiveness because they’re worried about the consequences.?They don’t assert themselves in front of employers and colleagues in case they get fired. They practice a similar level of caution in their social life for fear of confrontation and legal problems.

But those fears are often unfounded.

The key to assertiveness is knowing where your legal and moral boundaries lie.

What happens if you refuse to complete a menial task for which you are not contracted? What happens if you tell a gaslighting partner to stop lying or confront a friend who has mistreated you? More often than not, the answer is “nothing”, but it helps to understand what your rights and obligations are.

The less confident someone is, the more they fear the unknown. They’re worried that the day they suddenly fight back and assert themselves is the day that everyone treats their confidence with disdain and uses it as an excuse to shout or get violent. That’s simply not how the world works, and once you make that discovery, you’ll feel much better about asserting yourself in the future.

It’s like fighting back against a bully. It can be scary, daunting, and you’re worried that your actions will cause more violence and more pain. But oftentimes, fighting back means the bully stops and life gets easier.

Practice

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You can’t go from being timid to being assertive in a single conversation. You’ll probably fumble your words and lose confidence halfway through the conversation. And when that happens, you’ll never be assertive again and will shrink even more into your shell.

To ensure that you’re ready for the first time, practice in front of a mirror. Imagine how the conversation will go and play it out. It will feel a little weird and awkward at first, but if you can’t assert yourself in a mirror when no one’s around, you won’t be able to do it in front of your boss.

After practicing on the mirror, you can start role-playing with close friends and family members. Ask them to role-play the conversation with you and to put themselves in the shoes of the person you’ll be confronting.

What would they say, how would they say it, and what would your reactions be? Cover all possible scenarios — the good and the bad, the pleasant and the confrontational. If it feels awkward and embarrassing, embrace it and keep going. You need all the experience that you can get, as the real conversations will feel much more awkward.

Assertiveness vs Aggression

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Oftentimes, people who are learning to be assertive for the first time confuse assertiveness with aggression. They often make the leap from complete timidity to outright aggression, and they come across as unhinged in the process.

It may stop people from mistreating you and they’ll think twice about trying to manipulate you or gaslight you. If that’s what you’re struggling with, then aggression can be a good thing. But if you’re trying to be assertive to gain control over your career and your relationships, you need to restrain yourself and understand the difference between these two emotions.

Assertiveness will still put angry employers in their place, and it will do so while showing that you’re in control and capable.

More Information

Overcoming adversity and dealing with challenges is all part of maturing as an adult and an entrepreneur. It’s something that I recently discussed with?the amazing Dr. Brooke Goldner, who has risen above many personal and professional challenges in her life. It was also one of the topics of conversation during my?interview with Maribel Lara.

Click the links and read/watch the guides for more information. You can also find a wealth of other guides on the same websites.