How moms practice sacrificing career fulfillment for safety

I’ve been wondering how much the pandemic has reinforced the age-old mom practice of prioritizing security and safety over fulfillment.

Not just career fulfillment but all kinds of fulfillment. Choosing safety and security for our children over our own fulfillment often happens from day one of parenting. The wild-eyed sleep deprivation of every new mother I’ve ever known (and been) is living proof of that. Furthermore, our experience over the past two and a half years of pandemic living has given moms lots of practice in protecting our children’s (and our own) physical health over any notion of fulfillment as we kept our children in front of screens and away from friends and group activities.

We get better at what we practice

One of the truths of being human (among other animals as my dog shows me daily) is that we get better at whatever we practice. I’ve been practicing giving my dog Yoshi hot dog pieces when he hauls his 85lb body in the car each morning for our trip to a nearby park. In turn, he’s now accustomed to getting rewarded for getting in the car himself instead of me lifting his heavy butt into the car.

For years, I went to Torah study followed by morning services at synagogue every Saturday morning. Each Saturday, my body almost automatically made my way out the door each Saturday morning without much effort. I haven’t practiced that for over two years now, so I’m way more accustomed now to returning home from walking the dogs to lying on my couch and reading a book, despite loving Saturday morning Torah study and services.

I’ve found the same truths about what we practice in mothering.

I was home with my three kids for the first year of their lives. With few exceptions, in that first year, I was there each time they cried or were hungry to comfort and feed them. When I returned to work, I felt a pull toward caring for them many times over the course of each day, wondering if they were sad, hungry, or lonely. Lest anyone thinks these feelings cease as our kids age, I felt the same pangs last fall when my son went to university in a different city and I wondered regularly if he had enough food and if he was getting enough sleep. I had practiced checking on him in these ways for years and felt the discomfort of this practice ceasing.

There have been lots of times in the twenty-one-plus years that I’ve been a mom that I have sacrificed my career fulfillment to focus on my children’s safety and security. Sometimes I did that intentionally, sometimes automatically, and sometimes inadvertently, but I’ve done it a lot.

To be clear, I’m not apologizing for this or even regretting it. I’m recognizing it.

We get better at whatever we practice.

What are we practicing?

A few nights ago, on a lovely Sunday evening in Toronto, I was walking through the Lawrence Park area to meet a friend for dinner on Avenue Road (we went to?Safari?where the food and service were both great). Two girls, who looked to be around twelve or thirteen (tweens, if you will) rode their bikes towards me. I’m pretty sure they never registered my presence on the sidewalk as they were riding on the road beside me. One of the girls announced, “I hate my life.” The other girl asked, “Why?” And her friend responded, “Because my parents control everything I do.” I never heard how her friend responded, but maybe the other girl sympathetically responded, “Mine too.”

Hearing this, I thought, “Her parents just want her to be safe. They don’t want her to be miserable. They think her safety is more important than anything else.” This thought led me to, “How often does practicing prioritizing our children’s safety and security over their happiness lead to practicing prioritizing our very own safety and security over our own happiness?”

I believe the answer is a lot.

How often are moms staying in jobs we don’t feel fulfilled in because the benefits are good?

Or because we’ve been in the organization so long that it feels safe?

How often are moms staying in careers that aren’t fulfilling because going back to school might rock the family’s financial security?

Or worrying that retraining will disturb our own feelings of safety?

We get better at whatever we practice.

Just like our child’s safety though, prioritizing safety and security above all else in our careers in the short term doesn’t ultimately build safety, security, or well-being in the long term.

Our children might be “safe” if we wrap them in bubble wrap and keep them in our homes, but they won’t be well. Or gain a sense of self-efficacy. Or have a chance to really know themselves and what they can bring to the world.

When we practice prioritizing our short-term safety and security in careers that aren’t feeling fulfilling, we weaken inside because not feeling fulfilled is a reflection of not using our inner strengths and not living aligned with our core values.

Obviously, the solution is not to throw caution to the wind and walk out of jobs that don’t feel fulfilling. Just like the solution to feeling good about releasing our children into the world isn’t sending them out without the skills to cope.

The solution (well, a solution…)

The solution to both is to practice engaging core strengths and values. When we do this, we (and our children) feel stronger – from the inside out. When we feel stronger from the inside out, we feel more courageous, we gain more clarity. We see more of our choices.

Our deep sense of security doesn’t actually rest in external structures – like organizations or roles, but in internal abilities and beliefs about ourselves and the world.

So in the end it turns out that we can prioritize our security and safety while also prioritizing our fulfillment – it’s just a different practice than what we’re used to.

There are lots of ways to practice engaging our inner strengths and values, including some that don’t even involve adding onerous activities into your already crammed days.

Three Ways to Practice Feeling Stronger

Try this: look at your schedule and identify something that you’re already doing that engages a core strength or value. Maybe it’s writing for work (even if it’s not exactly the writing you want to be doing). Maybe it’s cooking a delicious meal. Maybe it’s organizing an event or a meeting. Whatever it is, this activity is something that matters to you and/or particularly feels good to you. It doesn’t matter how other people receive it or reward it. Increasing your awareness that you’re engaging a core strength or value will enhance the practice.

If you would like to devote five minutes a day to practicing engaging your strengths and values, you can sign up for the Flourish to Fulfilling Daily (click here to do that). This will give you free daily five-minute journaling prompts. The prompts are anchored in positive psychology research and specially designed to help moms at career crossroads activate inner strengths and values.

Another option is to download Flourishing Moms’ free journal prompt and worksheet set. (Click here to get yours.) The journal prompts help you engage your inner strengths and values and the worksheet helps you articulate concrete steps to more fulfilling work.

We get better at what we practice.

Moms practice prioritizing security and safety over our own fulfillment for years. When our children are small as well as in dire pandemic times, this short-term sacrifice makes all the sense in the world. The rest of the time, we need to proactively practice prioritizing long-term security and safety over the short term in order to realize fulfillment.

The rewards are huge – for us and for our children.

Let’s flourish together!