How To Mend Yourself - When It's All Too Much

I’m witnessing lots of ‘break-downs’ – people, relationships, talks, whole countries – all breaking down. Recently several clients have shared heartbreaking stories of trauma, disappointment, and the kinds of life stresses that happen 'to' us.

This has led me to remind myself that it's always possible.

How do we (Option A) we mend ourselves when we feel broken?

Option B is to carry the jagged pieces that keep triggering the pain inside us.

Option C is to ignore or throw the broken pieces out, but I have a ‘recycling mindset’.

Option D is to break more things by acting out based on outrage, anger, need for revenge.

There are probably more.

For me, the Japanese art of Kintsugi offers a useful metaphor...

Kintsugi?(, "golden joinery”)?is the art?of mending broken?pottery?by sticking the pieces together and filling the cracks with?lacquer mixed with gold,?silver, or?platinum. This honours the breaks and repair as part of the history of the object to create a richer thing of value and beauty rather than trying to hide or disguise the cracks or throw the pieces away.

As humans, we will ALL live with hurt, loss, grief, pain, and breakdowns. It's inevitable.

But how do we mend ourselves? What helps us to gather the broken pieces of ourselves, put them back together, and recover after a ‘breakage’?

Often we have a strong human instinct to ‘Keep XXXX And Carry On’, ?‘work harder’, ‘distract oureselves’, ‘let time do the healing’, ‘have a few stiff drinks’, ‘cop an addiction’.

These are all forms of superb denial. And - I suspect - when we do this, the broken pieces travel inside us with their jagged edges still exposed. These sharp edges hurt and keep reminding us of the breakage. We remain triggered. We relive the pain on repeat. We fail to find a state of peace. We lack ‘closure’.

In contrast, when we choose to mend we ‘take the edges off’. The break stays visible but the jagged edges are softer and no longer hurt us. This is an alternative to denial.

How can we do this?

We must STOP, take time to examine the breaks, see all damaged fragments, feel the jagged edges, and take the time to gently seal them back together.

When we do this we are less likely to take our pain out on others causing more damage.

Here are some questions if you feel broken right now…

1. When will you gather up the pieces and have a good look at what’s there?
2. What help do you need? Sharing your story, asking for help from friends, family, or professionals, sharing your recovery, reaching out so you know you're not alone…?
3. What’s the 'golden glue' you can use to mend – kindness, self-compassion, time for grief, crying, feeling your anger, sadness, disappointment, hopelessness, powerlessness – letting it be then letting all the hard emotions wash through you like the tide going out?
4. What do you need to do to acknowledge your pain as normal vs paper over the cracks?
5. How will you see your survival and what you learn from the damage as strength?
6. How will you re-make yourself, keeping the cracks safe, and seeing character in them?
7. Most of all – how will you see your 'mended' self as a thing of greater beauty?

Within this there is one simple idea – kindly mend yourself with care.

Avoid the urge to rush into something new, distract yourself, or ‘try’ to force a quick fix.

I believe that mending is at the heart of leadership.

When we honour our breaks and mends we become stronger and more valuable leaders. From here, we're better equipped to lead others with compassion, and accept their breaks and mends, and value them just as they are.

So right now…

• What ‘breaks’ are you carrying?
• What will you do to put the pieces of your back together?
• And to make something more beautiful?

This is who you are as a leader. This is leadership.